Hey everyone I’m coming here for an outside perspective to a situation to find out if I may be the AH.

Background. I M(30) dated my ex Samantha female (30) for 8 years and were engaged for 2 years. It was a rough and rocky relationship so say the absolute least. She lived with me and my family. We broke up the summer of 2022. The entire time we dated we hung out with my friend group, Allen M 29 and Willow F 29,that because our friend from almost every weekend for the entire 8 years, there are 52 weekends in a year I would say we hung out with them for at least 40 weekends of the year at minimum, for all 8 years. So to say we were close is an understatement.

I have known Allen since I was 5/6 we grew up together. We were at their wedding, I helped them set up the venue, I helped them clean up after the wedding, we knew their family we were always together. When their families had international vacations I were asked to go. Well in January/February of 2024 I got confirmation that my ex and Allen slept together, actually they had been sleeping together (confirmed) since about 6 months after Samantha and I broke up. Willow caught them in Feb of 2023 and she did tell me, but when I confronted both Samantha and Allen they both denied it and said that he had just gone to her place for advice, and I believed them. I do believe they slept together while my ex and I were together, but that this point it’s no sweat off my back, not really something I care to know or burn to energy find out as it truly doesn’t impact me.

I have cut Allen out of my life completely. I would cut out Samantha but I cannot because we are both part of this organization that I have been going to since I was 10. She started attending this organization because of me when we were dating I would say 2/3 years in. So at the time of the break up she had been going for at least 5/6 years. This is where I need outside perspective.

For this organization we meet roughly once a month with a group of around 20-30 people to work on and prepare for the big event in the summer then in the middle of summer we attend the big event with roughly 500 attendees. Hence why I cannot cut her out of my life because we both still attend this organization, and I will not stop going because of her, this place/organization has become a home and the attendees have become family to me. They’ve seen me grow up and I’ve seen many younger than me grow up, so me not going is not an option and I’ve come to terms with having to work with her in a business professional setting and these boundaries were set summer of 2024.

I was very direct after I found out about what happened with Allen and Samantha, to Samantha that there is no “catching up, no casual conversation to be had, no pleasantries” I don’t need to know how she’s doing and she doesn’t need to know how I’m doing simple as that. The only conversations we have will be only about the organization. I told her I wasn’t mad at her and that I don’t hate her but at the end of the day there is nothing we need to know about one another and our personal lives. Our relationship will be strictly business.

She called me this past week to try and ask me if I would be comfortable in a committee that is being introduced because she might need to be in it. I responded with “why wouldn’t I” if you need to be in a committee be in the committee and I’ll navigate my side of the outcome however I need to.

She then went on to ask me if I could bring something up for her in the next meeting. And I told her that she’s the one with the information she should be the one to bring it up. She got direct information from some attendees why would I bring it up based on what she’s telling me. If she has the information she can say it then everyone will round table the subject and that’s that.

She then asked me how I was doing. This is where I may be the AH. I directly said “nope, we are doing pleasantries, I told you before we are business only, no need for personal talk” she was a bit taken a back and silent for a second until she said “based on our last conversation I though we were good” and I reiterated the conversation I had with her in 2024. “We are good, I don’t hate you, I don’t think you’re a bad person, but there is no need for pleasantries” she then said okay sorry for asking and we hung up.

She called me about an hour later and said she wanted to apologize for asking and I said there was no need to apologize I have a boundary and I’ll be the one to enforce it I’m not mad or anything so no worries. She then proceeded to say that she thought we could at least be friendly and I asked her “why?” Then she said that we spend almost 10 years together and she can’t pretend that, that never happened and she can’t pretend I don’t exist.

She then went on to say how she knows I have my thoughts on the situation and that she doesn’t think it’s fair because I didn’t get her whole truth of the situation then she proceed to try and tell me then said “it’s hard for me to talk about can we talk about it around 4:30 after work” I said sure but I also told her “look you have your side of the truth he has his side of the truth. You both told me and I listened and had to connect the dots myself, but the matter of fact is I do not care about anyone’s truth here, I care about the facts of the situation and the facts are.

You both slept together, then you both lied to me about it, then you both did everything you could to keep it from me” she then said “I honestly thought you knew he told me you were encouraging it” mind you at this time (when they were sleeping together) she was still calling me asking me to be friends but never asked if I “was encouraging it”. I then told her flat out. “Look you say that but here is why I don’t believe you.

Back in 2023 when Willow told me I asked you both separately, you both denied it and gave me the exact same story. Then when I saw you in passing and I made a comment about the situation or you two sleeping together your reaction was, that was such an outlandish statement and thought insinuating yourself that it did not happen and it was crazy to think, so you can say you thought I knew but you made every intent of never telling me” the only reason I found out was was because I made Samatha think I already knew and just wanted her to tell me too.

But the fact is that they were keeping it from me and manipulating every situation as much as they could to make sure I never found out, or was ever told.

Willow and Allen are doing their own thing, Willow and I did speak when I found out and she thought I knew because Allen swore to her that he told me, he never did, then she said “but I told you” and I responded with “yeah but they both denied it and you told me you found him at her place” yes she found him at like 2am but again I didn’t see the need for either of them to lie to me.

So back to Samantha, she asked me if the organization summer weeklong event is awkward for me and I said “No” (because it isn’t) and she proceeded to say that it is awkward for her, I responded with “well I can’t help you make your feelings less awkward.”

She then responded with “well I feel like you avoid me and don’t want to work or talk with me and force yourself to do so when you need to.” I told her, “well don’t think it, that is a fact. 1) I do not actively avoid you (I won’t be walking down a hallway, see her and turn around), I don’t want to work with you, I don’t want to talk to you, and I force myself to work with you every-time because that’s what the organization needs. If it wasn’t for this organization I’d never speak to you again. So don’t question it, it’s fact”.

So AITA for keeping this boundary up where I refuse to have any personal conversation with Samantha and keeping it strictly business. No pleasantries, no small talk, no questions about family. It’s simply hello, (maybe) goodbye, and conversations about the organization and that’s it. Nothing more, anything less, and being so blunt with her about my stance working with her whenever the organization requires it?

Edit:

I just wanted to and some information based on a comment I got

We broke up for other reasons (not because I caught her cheating), it was a toxic and bad relationship, and we both had our faults in them.

Honestly I don’t know 100% if they slept together while we were together. They never admitted it. But they did things that looking back make me believe they did. Such as, they would go to dinner just them two, and be out till late.

They said they wanted to go to dinner to hang out and have the ability to speak Spanish with one another. I wasn’t great at Spanish and Willow never knew Spanish. Allen and Samantha were both fluent Spanish speakers.

So maybe I was just ignorance for believing them.

Again I had been with her for years and this point and I’ve known him since I was 5 I never thought they’d do that. So it wasn’t even a thought in my mind. But then I found out they slept together (6 months after we broke up) multiple times, I found out about a year after it happened.

So then all the dots just started connecting. So again no confirmation that they did while we were together just a picture painted by their actions and movements that I’m looking at differently when I found out.