I (20F) apparently lead on my best friend of 5 years (M20), then cut him off. I’ll call him J.

This is a long story, so strap in.

I had this friend, J. We had always been closer than any of our other friends. I felt more comfortable with him than maybe anyone ive ever met. I told him everything. It was crazy how scared i was to lose him.

Everyone thought we’d get together. We were very physically affectionate and would jokingly flirt every now and then, but we did do this with other people. Just not as much. My friends would get mad at me for being affectionate towards anyone besides J. I thought it was because he was into me, but i wasnt sure, so i didnt make a move.

Throughout the years, he would get super mad at me for small things. Usually, about him being jealous. He would eventually apologize, but i also always ended up apologizing too.

Up until this point, i thought i had feelings for him. It made sense. I was always with him, cuddled him, and my friends were rooting for us to be a couple. We were mistaken for a couple by our parents, and they even wanted us to get married. They spoke about “grandkids” and me changing my last name to his.

I could see myself with him in the future. He would always be in my life. But the thought of kissing him… disgusted me. The thought of coming home to him didnt seem right. The thought of standing opposite of him at an altar weirded me out. But i had never felt so strongly about anyone else, so i thought i was in love with him.

That was until i met a girl I’ll call P (F21). She is gorgeous. Long brown wavy hair, blue eyes, and a little shorter than me. She is everything. She is snarky and sassy and I love it. It was the first time ive ever known i wanted someone.

Once i realized my attraction, i couldnt contain it. I told all my friends, including J. I thought his potential feelings for me had faded because we hadnt spoke in a while, and i also thought i was being egocentric. He was just my friend, why would he want to be with me? He was funny, kind, and handsome, why would he go for me?

When i told him, he flipped. He yelled at me, asked why i didnt tell him sooner, and stormed out of the restaurant we were eating at.

I texted him later that night and asked what was wrong. He told me he was sorry and it was because he was jealous. He said he was in love with me and i told him i felt the same. I really thought i did. I thought P was just a crush, and J was the love of my life. I thought it just felt different with P because it was lust, not love.

However, i told him i wasnt ready. From the beginning i told him i didnt want to lead him on because i didnt know when id be ready for a relationship. I hadn’t dated in years due to my ex being a horrific person. I told him this and he told me it was okay. The next few days, however, he got clingly.

We were physically affectionate, but this was different. He flirted, held my hand, and played footsie with me. It made me so uncomfortable.

This made me realize that i did not want to be with him. I wanted to be with P. So i told him i was sorry and that i was mistaken. I apologized for misunderstanding my feelings.

He said it was okay, and that he accepted my apology. I was grateful, i thought everything would be awkward, but eventually go back to normal. It never did.

He texted me again, and told me he had no idea how i could think i liked him if i actually liked girls. I told him i was confused, but he just got angry. He told me we should stop talking for a while, and i grieved losing him.

He told all of our mutual friends about what happened, and most of them cut me off. I felt so alone and frustrated. Every time i saw him he’d be affectionate. We’d go back to talking again, and then he’d cut it off. It was so confusing, but i knew he was going through a lot, so i didnt take offense to it.

This continued for a year. Eventually, he cut me off entirely. We had a huge fight about me leading him on and him still being pissed about it. We didnt talk for around a month, but eventually he messaged me again. We became friends again, and everything went back to normal.

I was so grateful. Things were still a little weird, but they got better.

The next year, i was still crushing on P. J talked to me about it and I discussed P to him because he asked about it. At first I didnt tell him anything. I was scared it would hurt his feelings. But he got mad at me for not telling me about her, so i did. I didnt want him to be mad at me again.

He dated girls on and off throughout the year and i continued liking P. My infatuation with her grew more and more every day. It didnt matter if she was a girl or maybe even a boy, but its because it was her.

J began to start small arguments with me again. Mostly when i would hangout with other people. But i would always apologize and we would do the dance we’ve done for years.

I never realized how exhausting it was until i didnt have to deal with it. After our break, the fighting starting up again made me so tired. I got more and more frustrated and anxious when he would message me. It was always something i was doing wrong. I did everything to please him, and i was tired of it not being enough.

At the same time, i was scared that maybe i was being shitty towards him. I talked to some friends and family and all of them agreed I was in the right. But that didnt mean anything to me.

One day, it came to an end. In all honesty, i was looking for a reason to stop hanging out with him. I had talked to him about these fights before and how tiring they were, and he never changed. I was tired of him pretending i was his girlfriend. Pretending like he owned me. Then, i found out he outed me.

He outed me to my mom.

I was aghast.

I never thought he’d stoop so low. I was so upset and horrified. I blocked him on everything and didnt speak to him again. Luckily, we go to separate colleges. I havent had to see him since.

I still like P, and i have to see her every weekend because we work together.

I dont think i lead him on. I think i made the right decision, but im not sure. I think i did what i could, but what if i couldve done more? Idk. AITA?