TW for mentions of suicide, threats and violence

Some backstory, I have been actively suicidal since I was around 10, no particular reason for it I'm just not a naturally happy person and I've never found life particularly enjoyable. I then developed some mental health issues in my late teens which have gotten progressively worse in the last 5 years or so. I never really spoke about my suicidal thoughts to family, for obvious reasons, but they were aware of my issues in general and how I struggle. I've tried all the meds/therapies to no avail, and because of the nature of my condition and some other events that have happened over the last few months, it is extremely unlikely I will be able to recover (and I'm not really interested in recovery anyway). As a result of this, I am heavily considering self-euthsnasia via VSED.

My parents obviously aren't happy about this, but given that voluntary/assisted euthanasia is sadly not legal in my country and I am no longer able to go to a location or obtain supplies for a traditional suicide method, it is my only option. I was discussing it with my mother a few nights ago as she was trying to discourage it, and my dad was in the room able to overhear but not a part of the conversation.

My mother was trying to point out happy memories or whatever to change my mind, but I truthfully told her that I would happily trade every memory I had if it meant I didn't have to experience any of it in the first place. My dad butted in and accused me of lying. I told him that's not the case and resumed my conversation with my mother. At some point I remember him calling me 'disgusting' but I wasn't really listening to him because my mother was speaking so I ignored him.

There was a natural pause in the conversation and suddenly my dad jumped in and started calling me a coward in an aggressive tone. I tried to ignore him but he did it again and started linking it to when I dropped out of college due to my poor mental health. He wouldn't let it go, so I turned to him and I don't know what came over me. I laughed in his face and called him a POS. I then got up to leave as I wasn't about to sit there and be insulted. He ran to the door infront of me and blocked me from leaving.

I asked him to move out of the way and he forcefully shoved me away and yelled at me to sit down, so I tried to punch him but he dodged it. He then pushed me away again and threatened to "wring my neck". I got in his face and told him to do it as he'd be doing us both a favor. He pushed me again so I swung at him again and he swung back at me, but we both dodged.

My mother had come over to try and break it up at this point, she's disabled and I didn't want her getting knocked over in the crossfire, so I announced to the room either my dad leaves or I leave. He said he'd leave but first got in my face and yelled "die, you little shit" and I yelled "that's the plan, dickhead" after him as he ran upstairs.

I've not spoken to him since, every time he's around I either flat-out ignore him or pretend to be asleep. My mother went upstairs a few hours after it happened and said he was sitting crying on the bedroom floor. I think she feels bad for him, she kinda keeps making excuses for him (like saying it's because it's usually her I speak to about my mental health so he's not used to it and doesn't know how to react), she says she won't forgive him for it though and I think she's looking into moving out once I'm either dead or recovering.

I also have no idea why he reacted the way he did. He's not generally abusive, although he is a very selfish man and is often tetchy if things aren't going his way or intolerant of the people around him. I've only ever seen him genuinely lose his temper like twice prior to this though.

I understand it's an extremely rough situation that many would find distressing, but it's my body, my life, my choice and I will fight tooth and nail for that until my last breath. And I feel I should be able to speak openly about my feelings and my experiences without being insulted by my own father. Yeah I probably shouldn't have resorted to violence, but honestly I'd be lying if I said I regretted it. AITA?