hey. i dont ever use reddit, so i didnt really know what forum would be the righr one to post this on, but i figured this one would be the best. idek if this is AITA worthy though, so sorry if its not. most of this post is context for the “AITA” part, so warning for that.

i (19F) have, for most of my life, dealt with mental health issues that have had a severe impact on me. since i can remember, ive had a very strong feeling of not feeling like a real person, of feeling empty, that life has no meaning, and have always felt like an outsider, even with my closest friends and family.

on top of these feelings i already had, i also lost my mom when i was eleven, and was forced to move in with my father (they were both ex-marines (relevent) and were never married) my mom and dad absolutely hated each other, so i didn’t know him well growing up as a kid. when i moved in with him as a teen, i found out just how mentally and emotionally abusive he was. seven of the most foundational years of my life absolutely destroyed me because of his words and actions. his behavior did nothing for me as a grieving teenager other than completely rip about my self-worth, self-image, and mental health. this span of my life is what i assume lead to the depression and anxiety aspect of my mh. throughout high school, i went through many depressive episodes, had tons of anxiety and panic attacks, and even had to start sh-ing just to help me deal with all these emotions—almost all because of him. i even tried to off myself a few times because i genuinely felt so worthless.

luckily, i turned 18 halfway through my senior year, and moved out within a few months. im so fortunate that my friend’s family was willing to take me in. these months leading up to me graduating were extremely hard since i was so traumatized, but they did get easier over time. i only relapsed once, which was a huge improvement based on the year before, and i genuinely thought i might be getting better.

i still had that feeling of strong feeling emptiness and hopelessness that i had had my entire life, though. my graduation was only a few months away, and i still had no idea who i wanted to be and what i wanted to do. college was off the table because i didnt feel smart enough so i dudnt apply. at that point, i had tried everything to find my “thing”—science, art, history, writing. nothing got rid of that burning hopelessness in my chest.

so i decided to shove that feeling down and go for something practical while i figured out what i really wanted to do in the future. i ended up leaving for Air Force Basic Training that july. i had a great gig set up, and i was so happy to do something my mom would be proud of me for. honestly, everyone around me was proud of me, even my dad (who knew and told me how happy he was). it was nice to feel some sort of worth for once. i was great in school, and did many extracurriculars, even excelling in a few of them. despite this, nothing ever felt enough, and my self-worth payed for that.

july came. i left for the Air Force. i had written my closest friends letters of how much i loved them and told them if they wanted anything of mine, they could have it. i felt a strange sense of finality as i left. i dont think i realized this at the time, but i never saw myself ever leaving basic. i didnt see a future for myself, and everything felt wrong. once i was there, the su!cidal thoughts were running rampant and the urges to sh were stronger than ever. a few days into training, all the new cadets went to a seminar where one of the health guys told us if we ever had any su!cidal thoughts, we could come to them. i had never felt so hopeless in my entire life at that point, so i decided to go to my drill sergeant about my thoughts and concerns. i ended up sobbing in his office and was taken by ambulance to the hospital on base, and from there, to a mental health ward. i stayed there for a week before i was brought back to the AF base and stayed in medical hold. i was discharged and sent home one month later.

i was in limbo at this point. my entire plan for my future had been destroyed because of the mental health issues ive dealt with my entire life, and i had no other options left. i was lucky my friend let me stay with her again, but i had no prospects for the future. no job, nothing to my name but a military discharge and a high school diploma. i think i went through an ego death at that point— all passion for my life gone. no ambition, no goals. i had nothing going for me.

a little while later i ended up moving in with my brother the next state over. him and my sister-in-law have been amazing, and im so fortunate for them. they said i could stay with them for a year while i decided what i wanted to do with my life.

this is where the AITA comes in, i guess. i work as a barista rn, but my brother and sister-in-law ask me what im considering doing in the future a lot. my dad even reached out and has been trying to give me advice and ideas for what i could do, but i feel horrible. after everything with the AF and the mh ive dealt with my entire life, i genuinely cant see myself doing anything in the future that wont just make my mh worse. everytime ive done something to try and find a way to make life worth living, it always leads to that feeling of emptiness. i just feel like such an asshole everytime they ask me what i want to do and saying “i dont know” when in reality i know im not even considering anything at all. i know im letting everyone i know down—even all my friends. everyone is just trying to be so helpful to get me back in my stride, but i cant see myself being happy anywhere.

all i do now is work my barista shifts and hang out in my room. i dont have many friends, i dont go out, and i dont really have any hobbies. ive tried a few things, like picking up art again and guitar and such, but i just feel so empty all the time. how am i supposed to keep up a full time passion with college or a bigger job when im already so done with life now? AITA?