I'm a 32-year-old man and the father of K, who just turned 6 on the 13th.

Last Friday, my brother (40M) messaged me in the morning saying he wanted to organize a small celebration for K on Saturday afternoon. Just a simple cake and gathering. The idea was to make use of the fact that K would already be spending a couple of hours at his house (he lives with his wife and two teenage sons), since my wife and I had a seminar to attend.

I said that was fine.

That Friday I worked until 10 p.m., and only when I got home did my wife remind me that K already had a classmate’s birthday party scheduled for the same time. On Saturday morning, I messaged my brother to let him know and suggested we move the celebration to Sunday instead. His response was a bit dry. He said something like, “then we'll just sing here ourselves.” I found it odd but replied with a simple “ok” to avoid conflict.

My mother was also planning to attend the Saturday gathering, and she called me later. When I explained the situation, she reacted angrily and said she wouldn't go either. During the conversation, I told her that if they wanted to do something for K, they should consider what K would actually enjoy. She wouldn't feel comfortable having a birthday celebration without her parents there.

It's worth noting that both my mother and my brother have a personality trait that's always been hard to deal with — something I've inherited but have tried to unlearn — which is the mindset that “if it’s not my way, then it won’t happen at all.” On top of that, my brother’s household generally avoids socializing with people outside their immediate circle. There have even been times when a relative announced a visit and my brother’s mood visibly shifted. I’ve always respected that, since it’s his house, his rules.

In this specific case, my wife wanted to bring her brother (my brother-in-law), but I anticipated it would cause tension due to the history with my brother’s family. That actually caused some friction between me and my wife, and she decided not to go to my brother’s place anymore. Which meant K would go alone and probably be confused about why her mother wasn’t with her.

So I decided to send my brother a voice message, in a calm tone, explaining the following:

That I didn’t appreciate how he responded to the change of plans.

That I was sorry for only notifying him on Saturday morning, but I had been swamped with work on Friday.

That if he or my sister-in-law felt like their effort was disregarded, that wasn’t our intention, and I apologized if it came across that way.

That we’d be happy to host them on Sunday at our home for a small celebration with K.

Sending that message wasn’t easy for me because I tend to avoid conflict. But I felt it was important to set a boundary and point out that this controlling behavior isn’t healthy. I even referenced past situations where something similar had happened between us.

I went to the seminar. Afterward, I got in the car and listened to the first voice message he sent back. It was just insults and profanity. I didn’t listen to the other two messages. I deleted the entire chat and didn’t reply. I haven’t heard from him or my sister-in-law since.

Just to clarify, my wife and I had already agreed not to throw a big party for K, both for financial reasons and because it was her own preference. She asked to celebrate at school with her friends, and that’s what we did. On Sunday, we spent the whole day with her, doing the things she enjoys most.

No one from my brother’s family contacted her to wish her a happy birthday. Not even my mother, who took his side and called me ungrateful.

Neither my wife nor I ever asked for this surprise party. The feeling I get is that it wasn’t really about making K happy, but more about them feeling important or generous, especially since they’re better off financially.

I’ve made it clear that I won’t resume contact with my brother until he acknowledges that how he spoke to me was unacceptable. Regardless of any disagreement, no one deserves to be treated that way.

AITA for not taking my daughter to that party and for distancing myself after the way I was treated?