This is my first post like this & I'm dyslexic so sorry if it's a little funky. It's also kind of long because I have ADHD & tend to go off on tangents, sorry. I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend, let's call him Mike (25M) for 9 years. We met in highschool & were friends for about a year before we actually started dating. Neither of us actually expected things to last longer than a couple of months but he stuck by me when my world was falling apart. When I was 16 I lost my grandpa who I was very close to & because he was the cosigner on the house we were living in & we couldn't find someone to help we were in deep shit. We had to move back into my grandpa's house which was difficult because he was an extreme hoarder & the house hadn't been properly cared for in years. WhenI tried reaching out to my friends I got ghosted, even by my best friend. That was & still is the worst year of my life. The only person who was actually there for me was Mike. He made it a point to come help us clean out the house, when I zoned out & started pushing myself too much he pulled me aside to make sure I actually ate or drank water, he gave me a safe place to cry & just exist. I love my mom to death but when I was a teenager she was not there for me. My dad was never in the picture so for years she was all I had, then she got married to a total jerk who we later found out was using her for permanent residency & to pay for nursing school. Of course we didn't find that out until he left & at that point I had a 2 toddler half siblings who are the only good thing to come from that p.o.s. When he left, my mom fell apart & mentally checked out for a while, leaving a 13yo me to try to take care of 2 toddlers. It was rough, especially later once she started coming back to us & kept reminding me that I was their sister, not their mother. I tried to take care of the house & cook & generally contribute where I could but in a lot of ways I felt like she forgot I was still a kid. She worked 3rd shift at a crappy factory job so I tried not to cause any trouble to avoid adding stress but some days she was just in a bad mood & would snapp. It got even worse when Grandpa died. You see, she has this habit of saying horrible things when she's mad, immediately forgetting & denying she ever said it. There was no point that summer where I could talk to her about my grief without her telling me how much worse it was for her, so eventually I just stopped trying. I packed up the house we were living in to try to get ready to move & she would unpack stuff because she was in the mood for a drink in one of the fun cocktail glasses I packed up because we never used them. I would go to my Grandpa's house & clean what I could while she argued with my aunt & uncles. My aunt tried to be there for me and even got me a volunteer spot to keep me distracted but that summer was a lot for all of us. The only person who was there just for me was Mike. One time I went into robot mode and just cleaned until I was wheezing (I had found out I have asthma a year prior) & he literally picked me up & made me take a break: food, water, inhaler, whatever I needed. I had grown up in that house so the whole thing took a massive toll on me. The next summer the tension in the house got so bad I actually kinda ran away for a week. I was dog sitting for Mike's family while they were on vacation & spent the whole week terrified of going back. She's never hit me but she's always seemed to know just how to tear me down, when I went back she yelled at me for abandoning my siblings & not saying goodbye & how much they missed me & how stupid I was for just taking off, didn't even try to let me explain. I stopped trying to talk to her about my feelings after that. I'm not saying that she's a bad mom, I want to make that clear. She's just stubborn & doesn't have a filter & can be a little short tempered. She stood up for me when a teacher was giving me trouble in biology (the kissed pig incident, a story for another time) or when I was getting bullied, she always had a first aid kit near by because she knew I was a klutzy kid, she let me paint murals in my room. She's not a bad mom just not perfect, like everyone. Now while she's never been overly fond of Mike she was civil for the most part. There were a couple of times she told me that she didn't like who I was when I was with him but never really elaborated. I stopped caring because I feel calmer around him, less anxious, & we're both a little touch starved so it's really nice to have someone to cuddle with who understands. Sorry, off topic. Anyway the big issue came in 2020 when Mike moved out of his mom's place & into an apartment with some friends of his dad. I had to drop my classes because I am not a good online student & spent most of my time in 2020 looking after my siblings, making sure they logged onto class, got some exercise out side, ate meals at reasonable times. At that point mom had a better job & was an essential worker but I was having trouble finding a job & spending all my time with a 10 and 9 yo as my only social interaction was driving me med. Naturally I spent most of my extra time at his place so I could breathe. I tried to make sure meals were cooked, dishes were done, laundry was finished, & what not before going over to hang out so as to not cause trouble but I'm not great at checking my phone & that's caused issues In the past. One day while I was at his place I got a call from my mom & she was pissed, I don't even remember what she was so angry about but she was yelling at me, telling me I needed to get home asap & that I should have checked my phone more & I was falling into a panic attack when Mike took my phone & yelled right back at her, defending me & telling her to back off before hanging up on her. I thought my heart had stopped, I had never heard someone shoot right back at her like that & I was pretty sure she was going to kill him. She was steamed for a while & so was he, they couldn't even be in a room together for a few weeks but things calmed down. Due to some issues with his roommates (story for another time) he had to move back in with his mom. He wants to pay off his student loans & his car before we find a place to move into together, & we're hoping to do so in the next year or so. My mom has started to begrudgingly respect him because of how much he offers to help us wether it's driving my sister to practice in the summer (I don't drive) helping with home repairs, moving heavy stuff, & even for to standing up for me the way he did. My issue is that she still wants an apology. I have a couple of issues with this, the first being that I'm 99% sure he apologized right after it happened & she just forgot. But second is the fact she can't not talk shit about him. She once saw a button up shirt & asked if he'd like it or if it would be "too complicated for him", he's in school to be a l mechanic but she refused his offer to change her oil &said that she doesn't trust him to not wreck her car. She insults him behind his back & I shut it down as much as I can but it's exhausting, especially because he doesn't talk shit about her! He says things like " I know you love her but she can be a bit too much at times", " I know she's your mom but you need to learn when to take a break" & "I love you but you need to take a step back from your family & take care of yourself". HE'S NOT SHITTY TOWARDS HER, HES CIVIL!!!! It's been almost 5 years & she still wants an apology & I know he would probably do it I asked but I have no reason to believe it would actually change anything, let alone mean anything. So AITAH for not wanting my boyfriend to apologize to my mom?