so for context my roommate and i are both 20 and we've been living together for a few months. things are fine usually, we share a small apartment but we make it work. im gonna call my roommate Emma for clarity (ofc not her real name).

i am asexual, and sex ambivalent, meaning my opinion and comfort revolving around sex fluctuate, but generally im not comfortable with sexual situations (flirting, dirty jokes, seeing suggestive visuals) unless im the one initiating it, like if i say a dirty joke it's fine for others to do so as well, but generally it's best to assume im uncomfortable with those things in the moment. especially unprompted or out of the blue.

recently my roommate won a raffle and got a gift card to Amazon for a prize. she wanted my opinion on things she was looking at, which i didn't mind, she often wants my opinion on clothes because she says i have a good style, and i often hype her up by taking photoshoots with her for her instagram (i love photography and she's very photogenic, basically a natural model which is great because i would have no idea how to pose her otherwise. i just hype her up by complimenting her while she poses)

anyway, the thing she wanted advice on is something she said she'd been eyeing lately. the thing happens to be a black leather set of lingerie.

now obviously, normally i wouldn't care and would just tell her if she wants to wear it under her clothes or for dates go ahead, it's none of my business what she wears for underwear. im not her boyfriend or anything (although we did have a brief fling in the past but that was quite a while ago).

however, she planned to wear it around the house. it's not like, ass out super revealing lingerie, but it is still clearly lingerie and shows much more than id be comfortable seeing. she is in general a curvier person and lots of clothes end up being a bit more revealing than intended on her, but this is purposely very revealing regardless of body type.

so i asked her not to wear it around the house. she got defensive and we had an argument. it was a bit messy but some key points were (paraphrasing here): Emma: it's my body, and you're being controlling by telling me what i can and can't wear. me: that's not true, im just asking you not to wear it around the house. E: so i can't be comfortable in my own home? M: you deserve to dress how you want and be comfortable in your home, but it's also my home, and i think i deserve to be comfortable too. sometimes you need to just respect my boundaries.

she also said i was being hypocritical since i "seem to love taking pictures of her when she shows off her style". i said it wasn't the same because those were photoshoots we did for fun as friends, in normal clothes. she thinks it's unfair that she can't wear what she wants in private but i pointed out that around the house isn't really private, because it's in front of me.

she started getting upset that we were arguing and asked if there wasn't a way we could just compromise. i said yes, we can compromise by her getting the outfit, but only wearing it in private (i.e. her room or the bathroom, or when im not home or something) or putting clothes on over it if she wanted to wear it around the house. she still thinks im being unfair.

aita? i never usually object to what she wears, i certainly don't police my friends fashion. im only asking her not to wear it while lounging around the house or whatever because it would make me uncomfortable and i couldn't really avoid it other than staying in my room the entire time, which i don't think is fair.

maybe im the asshole because it is her home too, but i don't get why it's such a big deal to her. like, i tend to go shirtless a lot, but if she had suddenly told me that it made her uncomfortable, i would agree to put a shirt on before leaving my room. i don't think it's really that unfair to ask that she cover up just a little bit more when im around. i don't care if she wears revealing clothes, i just would prefer not to see those parts of her if it can be avoided.

edit: okay this got responses faster than i expected so i would like to clear some things up: 1. my gender, im a trans guy and got top surgery this past year, which is why i go topless a lot 2. by "unless i initiate it", i meant more than most of the time, i am uncomfortable with those things and it's generally safe to assume i am uncomfortable with it, but if i start the thing myself, like dirty jokes, then it's fine to do so because i wouldn't make a joke like that if i wasn't in an okay mood for it. 3. the outfit was specifically listed as lingerie and very revealing, like a lot of pieces of fabric cut out.

that being said, i do see now how i am the asshole here. thank you to the comments leaving specific reasons why i /am/ being hypocritical and an asshole, safe to say my perspective has been altered a bit 😅

im going to talk to my roommate again about the situation after i do some more reflecting because i didn't honestly realize how my attitude towards these things was bad, but now that ive gotten outsiders views i want to work on that. i won't lie at first i was pissed at everyone saying YTA, but I do ultimately see your points. hopefully my roommate isn't still super heated about this, i might have to do something to bribe her into talking to me again.. neither of us are very quick to calm down lol.