Hello. I (20) am a little conflicted about my upcoming birthday. For context: I have lived in a patchwork family since I was 3 years old. Both on mom and dad's side. I'm currently living with my mom, stepfather and siblings.

I originally planned to go eat out for my 21st birthday with my family (my mom, dad, stepmother and siblings), ofc I told my mom my plans and she is not happy about me excluding my stepfather. The thing is, he hasn't treaten me nice a single day in my life. He kept belittling, insulting me, etc., even physical stuff. I won't go into detail but I must say he did not hit me.

I get my mom loves him, but I can't be arsed to spend a day, that is important to me, with someone who couldn't care less. I finally have a somewhat stable enough relationship with my parents and I do not want someone that I do not, never did and never will see as a parental figure to be there. Unlike my stepmother, who I also had issues with in the past, he did not apologize or talk things out with me. She's important to me but I know me saying I want her there and not him feels unfair to my mom. (I saw it in her face).

I wanted to enjoy atleast a single birthday with all my parental figures because the years before that wasn't happening at all, and I don't want him to ruin my special day, especially since it's been ruined by various reasons since I can remember.

So am I the asshole for wanting to exclude him from a family dinner?

Edit: grammar

Edit: since apparently some people think it's okay to assume things I gotta clear up something. I was THREE years old when he first came into my life and started abusing me. I don't know what goes through someone's mind to give a literal toddler the fault of being abused.

Edit: I've read a few comments talking about my mom and her role in this. My mom and I used to have a rocky relationship but we're pretty good now, atleast I think so. My mom is very no confrontative and he's an asshole to her too. I'm asking to please don't insult my mom in any way or for.