My (39F) husband (40M) and I have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years. We don’t have any children.

We got together in high school and married soon after high school. I went to college and graduated with a business degree. Got a corporate job while he attended college and figured out what he wanted to do professionally. A few years after I started my corporate job, I had saved enough for a down payment on a house. I was able to save enough thanks to living with my in-laws rent free for 3 years. I purchased a property and since my husband didn’t have any income he was left out of the loan and the bank asked him to sign a quitclaim deed.

After 6 years in community college, my husband finally decided to quit college to focus on his freelance art career which brought him some income. He also got a part-time job to help with his expenses. When I say his expenses it is mainly his gas, spending, and eating out. I’ve been the main provider for our home paying the mortgage, utilities, majority of entertainment/traveling expenses, all pet (2 dogs and a cat) expenses and groceries. He lost his part-time job during COVID and during that time also had a back injury that pretty much disabled him from going back to work, so now he solely relies on his freelance art which is not always a reliable source of income.

A few years ago he inherited two properties from relatives. He wanted to build rental units in one of the properties but when he didn’t qualify for a loan, I stepped in and co-signed for the loan to take out equity and use the money to build the property. He agreed to put me on title since the loan would be under both of our names. I helped him deal with the architect and city hall to pull permits. I was heavily involved pre-construction but we agreed that he would deal with the contractor. Even then he asked me to help deal with the contractor once in a while and go with him to the inspections. When the money from the loan ran out, I put in some of my own funds to finish the project. My husband said he would pay me back but 2 years later and I haven’t gotten it all back yet. Prior to getting the loan, he asked if I would be willing to sign a document stating that I had no claim to the property. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but I hadn’t realized how much involvement I would actually have in the property. After construction was completed, I was in charge of finding a property management company, and before that I was the main contact for the rental posting while looking for tenants since he said he didn’t have the patience to deal with people.

A couple of years after the construction, he brought up the postnup again. After giving it some thought, while I agree that I don’t have any claim to the property solely on his name, I do have a claim to at-least the addition we made to the second property. He says that I should have to benefit from his family’s inheritance. It makes me feel like trash that everything I did to help him build the units meant nothing. He says that me not signing the postnup makes him not trust me. But a postnup was never an issue when he didn’t have any property and all we had was our residence that is under my name. He said that since he signed a quit claim deed, he doesn’t have claim to our residence, but that’s not how it works in a community property state.

I know a postnup would also benefit me in that I would protect my residence, my 401K, and any future alimony payments. But the distrust is so hurtful that I think at this point I would rather divorce. I wouldn’t touch his properties but would demand to have him refinance to remove me from the loan on the rental property. I just don’t think I can get over the distrust and loss of self-respect if I were to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage. It just makes me feel like such a doormat.

What would you do in this situation? Am I thinking about this wrong and not seeing his side? Am I being inconsiderate since the rental income would be his lifeline if we were to get divorced?

Just a side note. There is no suspicions about infidelity or anything like that. The thing is, I still love him very much and I know he loves me too. I just don’t know where all this mistrust is coming from.