I have posted before but I'm posting again as I recently went through my chats with my ex .

I'm writing summary here.

My bf ( m 22) and I( f 22) were in relationship for more than a year . I was very toxic while he had anger issues and started being emotionally abusive at the end of relationship.

Him and I share a romantic connecton back when we were 16 but never committed or more . 4 yrs of no contact due to family reasons .

Met again. And got into relationship. I slept with a guy in that time , went on different dates or whatever things I did intimate , bad , good everything. . I told him honestly everything and asked if he is still ok to start a relationship to which he said yes . It was long distance relationship so I keep on comparing teasing or making him jealous ( that's why I said I was toxic )

But later he said I humilated me took stand for others make him insecure an cheated on him .

In short he forced sex on me night before my final exam . I had to write internship report all night , awake hungry hurt and crying while being in a dangerous place . I asked him to stop 4 times for just a moment bcs my hand was twisting so was my knee . His reasoning for not stopping till the fourth time was that my ex stopped so he shouldn't ( my ex stopped bcs I was uncomfortable and not sure )

He said he gets angry and got triggered . He was very angry that day . He tightly hold my wrists as he stop and screamed for me to stop crying .

I still agreed to continue relationship but started having nighmares and I said mf to hum for this as I read chat today He got angry and he's like I got angry that day bcs of your past and you write mf word about me in your diary .

He started threatening me on chat and call almost to not break up with him saying that's his other personality or whatsoever And situation escalated My family got to know I didnt wanted but forced by friends and guardian I had to file fir against him for threatening me if I break up .

He also send ** text to my bestie saying he will make her sex slave and his bf read that Although my ex begged me to ask my bestie to block me bcs that's his other personality or whatever .

He did odd jobs to help me financially sometimes or use money on travel as we both love in different states . He walked barefoot on road with wounded feet so I can wear his shoes as mine broke in middle of night . All this amidst heavy rain He did a lot So did I I asked him to take meds forcefully the night I was sexually abused as He got very ill . He did took meds and I was looking after him and myself then . Everything felt like a big nightmare .

I'm confused Did I make him monster Was my yapping and past a problem He couldn't left bcs he had extreme childhood trauma and abandonment issues .

Sometimes I feel guilty other times I feel disgusted and raged.

Past 3-4 months my life has fell apart Delayed 6 months of graduation Sexually abused Break up with ex Court case On break with bestie ( good terms ) Break up with another bestie ( good terms ) Tried suicide No close friends left Supportive family ( although they stopped talking for a while and somewhere still hurt )

I am so exhausted yet started loving again myself since April but have final exams in April end itself

I feel disgusted at the moment He believed or idk as I'm a whore or whatsoever for being physical with other guy and a girl , going on coffee dates or kissing someone . Idk .

I sometimes can't feel my body pr cry . But it don't effect me now but I hate sex .