Since getting married (10 years), I’ve (38F) felt like an outsider in my husband’s (38M) family. I’ve planned holidays, shown up when we could, and responded in the group chat — only because my husband won’t unless I nudge him. His sisters exclude us from casual plans, but when they want a “family gathering,” we’re expected to rearrange everything.

The final straw was a holiday celebration we had to miss due to event tickets my MIL had paid for — and even she forgot about the event. We acknowledged the mix-up, apologized, and offered several alternatives. But they didn’t want to wake up early or push the date too far out because it wasn’t fair to the kids — and just kept repeating the same original date, but suggesting we do this and that to make it work that night. We politely said, “That doesn’t work for us,” several times. They never offered another day or showed any flexibility. However, my MIL planned a day with just our family and made it work with our crazy schedule, which we appreciated.

I stopped engaging completely. However, I still respond and I’m still polite when directly asked anything, but for the most part, my husband responds now (occasionally… there are times I still have to remind him to respond). And when he says no, they don’t push. While it’s funny, it’s also eye-opening, frustrating, and honestly makes me want to set even more boundaries.

Anyways… while I don’t engage in the daily group chat drama, stopped being the one arranging schedules, I also don’t attend events without my husband. He’s welcome to go without me — he just doesn’t. When I ask why he won’t say anything to them about their behavior, he says he doesn’t need to — his actions say it all. He only goes if our family goes. And if we can’t all go, we don’t.

However, I’m very in-tune with my feelings… and I’m starting to feel guilt. Not because I believe my past behavior deserved this… but because, I know they’ve experienced loss. I know there’s trauma. But after years of gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and exclusion — I’m protecting my peace. AITAH?