Hi, I’m a 29-year-old man. My mom (49F) was recently diagnosed with a Grade 4 Glioblastoma—a terminal brain tumor. The diagnosis came a month or two ago, and it’s been a devastating shift in all of our lives.

Since then, her attitude has gotten noticeably worse. But truthfully, this isn’t new. My mom has always had a very “my way or the highway” personality. She says whatever she wants, however she wants—often in the harshest way possible—and doesn’t tolerate being challenged or called out in return. Any criticism of her, no matter how gentle, becomes a personal attack.

For the past few years, I’ve been married to a woman I love deeply (24F). It’s a long-distance marriage for now—we’ve been working toward finally living together full-time. She and I first met through my mom, actually. We got to know each other better through gaming and talking online and eventually fell in love. We’ve been married for 2.5 years now.

In the beginning, my mom loved her. They got along great. But sometime after the diagnosis, everything flipped. She started saying my wife was no good for me, that I should end the marriage. Not because of something specific my wife did—she just “feels” that my wife doesn’t love me, that she doesn’t have “details” with me, that she’s cold and not emotionally expressive. According to my mom, she doesn’t “elevate” me.

I’ve tried to explain to her that love doesn’t always look the same. My wife shows it in her own way. She’s not someone who sends gifts or writes flowery messages, but she’ll spend hours grinding in a game to surprise me with something she knows I wanted. She remembers my jokes and sends me TikToks tailored to my weird sense of humor. She listens, she’s present, she makes me feel like I’m not alone in this world. I feel loved.

When I tell my mom that, she rolls her eyes and calls me pathetic. Says I have “low standards.” That I “sold myself cheap.” That I’m blind and being dragged down. She says a real woman would lift her man up, and that ever since I got with my wife, my life has gotten worse—she blames her for my depression, my ADHD struggles, my lack of money.

The truth is, I’ve been fighting like hell to support my mom since her diagnosis. I’ve spent most of my savings helping out with her care, traveling, and just being present. I’m holding off on starting my life with my wife so I can be here for her. I’ve prioritized her in ways she doesn’t even see. And yet she says I’ve abandoned her.

She recently told me, point blank: “If you want to be with me during the time I have left, it has to be without her in your life.”

I said no.

I said I love my wife. I said I will be there for her, for everything—appointments, treatment, emotional support—but I’m not leaving my partner. I’m not throwing away a relationship that brings me joy and keeps me grounded just because she suddenly can’t stand her anymore.

She flipped. Told me I was ungrateful. That all I had with my wife was a piece of paper. That I’ve been a disappointment every year of my 29 years. That I’m lazy, slow, and a failure because it took me longer than average to get into coding (It took me three years to learn coding to a junior level, ADHD didn’t help). That I’m a mess. That I sleep in too late. That I’ll never amount to anything. She dragged up everything I ever did wrong, like she was reading from a mental list she’s kept for years.

She’s sick. I get it. I know she’s scared. I know she’s probably feeling angry at the world and lashing out at whoever is closest. But being sick doesn’t erase the pain her words cause, or make her ultimatums fair.

So now I’m stuck in this horrible situation where I’m being told I have to choose between the person who gave me life—and the person I want to build a life with. And I chose to hold my ground. I told her I won’t abandon my wife, but I will support her in any way I can.

Now she says I’ve betrayed her.

So… Reddit, AITA for refusing to leave my wife even though my terminally ill mom told me to?

UPDATE: I used ChatGPT to write this, I don’t speak English as well as I would want, like, I can read just fine but I can’t write as good as I can read, so I wrote my entire thing in Spanish and had ChatGPT translate and improve the flow to English.

I feel like I should disclaim this to avoid people thinking this is either fake or an AI bot.

If my replies are more than 100 words I am most likely using a translator or an AI translation chat to help me.

My native languages are Spanish and Catalan.