My (36F) husband (37M) and I let my sister (36F) borrow our car to drive to work. She is on the insurance, adds gas and pays a portion of fees/insurance. She is supposed to write her schedule on a board in our shared home to make it easier to organize. It isn't usually a hardship because she works ten minutes from our home and my husband has a wfh job. I am disabled. It wouldnt get used very much if she wasn't using it.

My husband has ADHD. He semi frequently makes plans to do something out of the house at a certain day or time without checking beforehand if she is working. I would say it happens about 1 to 2 times a month, or would happen if I didnt remind him to check my sister's schedule.

It came to a head today. My sister hasn't been adding her schedule to the board for a few weeks. The reason she hasn't been adding her schedule is unknown but she hasn't been getting many hours so it hasn't been an issue til today. She did attach her store's paper schedule right next to the board.

My husband wanted to go grocery shopping tonight after work. He's had a couple of hard days and we are running out of basics and, also, he ran out of weed. We live in a legal weed state and the local grocery store sells some iteration of it.

Due to the difficulty of his day and a migraine he didn't check my sister schedule until around 5pm. When he did he raised his arms in frustration and anger because she works until 8pm and he would have a difficult time picking up the car, grocery shopping and then getting home to pick her up when she gets off. He was pissed.

This is kind of the norm to be honest, and something we've talked about many times before. Him not following through on doing the necessary steps to do the things he says he will do.

At the time it seemed like he was blaming my sister for not putting the schedule up...when he didn't even check the schedule in the first place until 5pm that day. Im just kind of used to this happening by now but didnt want my sister being blamed for something that wasnt her fault. So I said "You should have planned." I maintain that there wasn't a tone in my words but he says there was. Regardless, he semi lost it. Raising his voice, chastising me for "not being helpful" and asking why I would say anything at all about it. He talked baout how my sister was wrong and how she should have said something the day before when we were speaking. He demanded an immediate apology. I responded that I didn't think I needed to give one.

If it was just an outburst because he was upset I wouldn't be writing this right now. Because little upsets happen and misunderstandings happen and people can be in bad moods and people aren't always their best selves, including me. I recognize that I could have said something more sympathetic or asked if he was blaming my sister before assuming he was.

The issue is that he's come back and set a "boundary", something we only do in very serious situations. He says he will not be in a relationship with a partner that says unhelpful things. Or one that says (in his words) "this is your fault". He wants me to tell him I won't do it again and that I'm wrong for doing it this time. He doesn't want to hear what Reddit has to say because, quote, "You aren't in a relationship with Reddit."

This feels...bad to me. Like word policing. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before and it's feeling like red flags in my face. This issue of word/tone policing has come up before because he also has RSD tied to his ADHD and often tells me how to word any issues I have so it doesn't feel bad to him (outside of "I" statements).

When I try to talk to him about what I'm feeling about his boundary he locks down and says it doesn't matter because he won't accept anything but what he has demanded.

So, am I letting my previous experiences with a controlling ex influence my perception too much now? Is his boundary a reasonable one?