My best friend (29F) and I (29F) are not currently speaking after they told me they needed space following yet another riff in what’s been a string of riffs dating back to last July.

My best friend celebrated their birthday at the end of March. They originally planned to go to Germany, and ended up staying in the states after missing their flight that was scheduled to leave two days before their bday.

For backstory on the Germany trip, my friend has a cousin that lives in Germany that they were originally going to stay with. My friend bought a flight back in November when we were not really on speaking terms, so I decided not to go since it seemed less like a planned trip and instead more as if the intention was for my friend to go solo). They later expressed being disappointed that I wasn’t going, and I expressed my feeling that it was a solo trip to them to which they disagreed Well, a month before the trip, (maybe around early February) my friend’s cousin mentioned that they would no longer be in Germany as originally planned. Per my suggestion, my friend asked if they could still stay at their cousin’s house while their cousin was away (the cousin’s spouse would be there). It turns out (I learned this later), the cousin told my friend that it would be best to just find a place to stay. (Although the cousin did not verbatim say that my friend could not stay there, it seemed clear to me that it wasn’t ideal and that my friend should just find an Airbnb.) My friend passive aggressively insisted on staying at their cousin’s place all the way up until a few days before the flight the cousin eventually just stopped responding

Fast forward to the day of the flight (two days before the birthday) and my friend and I have a small disagreement after they told me they were disappointed that I wasn’t going. We communicated through that issue, and I even made plans to see them before they left for Germany, but that plan fell through due to a time crunch. I wished my friend safe travels on the phone and that was that.

I get a text message a few minutes after my friend’s flight was supposed to had already left saying that they missed their flight. I am supportive and start giving advice on how to possibly get the ticket swapped for another flight. Once that didn’t work out, I quickly put together plans for my friend’s birthday to try to make it less sucky considering their initial plan to celebrate abroad.

The birthday comes and goes. (We actually got into an argument on their birthday because I expressed being upset that they were an hour late to the plans (a concert) I put together because they wanted to spend time with their fiancee that they have known for less than a year after dinner. My friend eventually showed up to the plans, but we sat mostly silently through the whole concert. We had a conversation at the end and seemed to be on the same page enough to go to a group celebration my friend put together, or so I thought the argument was brought up again later per my friend.)

Fast forward to two days after the last birthday celebration. My friend calls me to recap the birthday festivities and also questions why I didn’t call them first. I explain that I was out with family for all of the following day (Sunday) and then working and resting on the day after that (Monday). We sort of move on from that and then my friend asks for advice. They tell me that they are upset because their cousin (the Germany cousin) did not wish them a Happy Birthday although the cousin watched their social media stories. I agree that it is odd that the cousin did not at least say Happy Birthday. My friend then asks me if they should “curse out” their cousin. I advise them not to considering the fact that they will have to see one another again eventually and also since my friend still wanted to go to Germany later this year. My friend decides that this didn’t matter and proceeds to text their cousin “so, I cancelled my trip because of you and you didn’t tell me happy birthday?” . I express that I think this is wrong of my friend to say and point out that the real reason my friend wasn’t in Germany was because they missed their flight. I also explain that it seems as if the cousin would just be getting all the backlash for all the birthday drama which felt unfair in my opinion. My friend tells me that I’m picking sides and that my comment was unnecessary. By the end of that conversation my friend says that they need space because they need a certain type of friend in their life and implied that I wasn’t that type of friend.

I feel proud for speaking up through the whole weekend, but it seems that each time I did so it led to an argument. I just want to know if I am the a-hole for challenging my friend to have a little more integrity. It almost makes me feel that if they would manipulate their cousin this way then they would and probably already have tried to manipulate me in similar ways.