I seriously don’t know what to make of this. I thought it was done and over with but I got a text two days ago and some feedback would be extremely helpful.

Background: I (21f) talked with Calum (21m and fake name) for roughly two months. I suppose he wasn’t an ex as we were never official, it was more of a situation-ship with him promising it would be more in the future. He was in the middle of a divorce because his wife cheated on him with his best friend. I wanted to end it before it began after finding this out but he kept making sweet and kind gestures of affection such as flowers, my favorite drink, and other things one would get for someone they’re interested in. I did tell him before all else that I wanted to take things slow as he was still in the healing process and I didn’t want to be a rebound. He was completely understanding and agreed and so it began. After only two weeks we had a pretty bad argument. All I’ll say about the situation is things started to get heated then I realized it was too soon so I put the brakes down and his mood immediately flipped into anger. He said something about not wanting to be blueballed and I apologized and told him I wasn’t ready and apologized again. He didn’t talk for the rest of the night or the next morning. We used to work together and Calum had taken me to work that day but into our first break he still hadn’t said anything. I asked my guy best friend if he would be able to take me home. (Prior to me talking with Calum, my best friend, Frank (25?m), would take me home quite a bit as I don’t have my license yet. Strictly platonic and I am best friends with his girlfriend as well and she met me and approved of him taking me home. He always called her the entire ride and we would all chat about our day.) Calum knew about this and had never said anything about it and after we started talking I toned down how many times I rode with Frank because of Calums history. When Frank said yes I messaged Calum and said “I’m going to ride with Frank home, I think we need some space to calm down so we can talk about the situation when we’ve had time to breathe” all he said was “I think that’s best”. Later, during lunch, I messaged him again and asked when he would want to talk and he said “I’m good”. Thus started yet another argument where he changed why he was mad at me to me. It was no longer about blueballs but rather I was using him for sex. Make that make sense. I then told him how that sounded and how it seemed like he was trying to manipulate and guilt trip me into having sex with him when I wasn’t ready and that I was done with the conversation and blocked him. Mind you I am an avoidant type, I’ve had bad history with relationships and won’t tolerate that kind of shit. Even though we had only been talking for a short period of time I had grown quite attached to him and a week later I unblocked him and asked if he was finally able to talk about it. He said yes and a few days later he came over and we talked. It was resolved calmly and we created some rules for arguments so it didn’t escalate like that again. Examples: 1. Never argue over text. 2. Take some time to think before you speak. 3. Never interrupt. 4. Write things down when the other person is talking so you don’t forget anything and nothing festers. Looking back he completely ignore these rules later on lol. At the time he was taking his BiL (brother in law) home because his car was inoperable due to transmission issues. His BiL is very sweet and a lot of fun to be around so there were no issues. Until he started smoking in the car. My mom used to smoke quite a bit and because of this when I smell smoke I get panic attacks that can partially close my throat and cause the veins in my neck to physically hurt due to the pressure. I had asked him if he could talk to his BiL about it and he said yes. After a couple weeks it had gotten better but he was still doing it. I don’t think Calum told him the why of it all because knowing BiL he would’ve stopped. I asked him again to talk to him, I was calm about it and made sure my tone wasn’t accusatory or rude, and Calum went quiet again before saying “don’t tell me what to do with my fucking car”. Calum doesn’t swear often and with his tone I was immediately pissed and told him to watch his tone and wording with me because that’s not how you talk to someone you claim to care about. He then said he wasn’t cursing AT me just in my general direction..? A few days later he tried setting his friend up with a girl. The girl was engaged. His friend wanted no part in it but he kept pushing it. I told him he was trying to get her to emotionally cheat and that it was wrong and he said “she doesn’t like her fiancé and it’s not cheating”. She had already started cheating mind you but I didn’t find out till later. A friend of mine had seen her kissing a much older guy while we were down for a bit and they were heading to the bathroom. The distrust in Calums loyalty was starting to sprout but it would get worse. Me and Calum love to hike and had gone on many trails in national parks in only a few weeks. Before we headed into work one day he asked if I wanted to go to Twin Peaks the following weekend and I said yes because I had been wanting to hike again. He looked at me for a moment then told me to “look it up” while watching me as I did. For anyone, including myself at the time, who doesn’t know what that place is, it’s essentially hooters but worse. His reaction to my reaction immediately gave me the feeling that he knew I wouldn’t like it but had still suggested it. However, my brain said I already agreed so why not. I made a joke of “oh if you look I’ll look” to lighten the mood a bit because I felt so awkward.

Another thing, I am bi which I guess to some people means I’m fully ok with that sort of thing. Sexuality has some say in that yes but security in one’s self also plays a big role. I am very self conscious and he knows this but still asked to go there. Later on yes, that would be perfectly fine when the relationship is secure and we are both secure in ourselves.

To me the “if you look, I’ll look” sounded like a joke but there’s a decent chance I’m autistic and my therapist thinks that I tried to mimic a joking tone but failed, miserably. Which makes sense because I’m not funny. Things I find cackle worthy gets me weird looks when I try to talk about them but I never thought about my tone having been off. Still not funny though lol.

Anyway, a few days later at work I said “if I see you blatantly ogling a worker I’ll throw my drink on you and leave”. Half joke, half serious. I’m never one to go to that extreme but I would be pissed nonetheless and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page because my uneasiness on it was becoming hard to ignore. He then went silent for a moment then said “well that’s a big fat nevermind, I don’t want to worry about what I’m looking at.” Word for word. I stood stunned for a second before walking away to gain my composure. The thought of this “relationship” was already weighing heavy and the thought of leaving was even heavier and this was my breaking point. I walked back and told him what he said was disgusting and that I was done before once again leaving. He later texted me and called me controlling and sent a laughing emoji when I told him about how I felt with the situation. I then blocked him. I was friends with a buddy of his and he told me that he and Calum still went by themselves and nothing really eventful happened. I didn’t ask he just told me. I was out for a few months due to an injury and my first day back Calums friend talked with me a bit and Calum was pissed at him for it. I later heard from multiple people he was trying to get with the girl that was engaged. Quoting from one person who told me, his plan was “break them up, fuck her, and send her back”. It ended badly when her fiancé found out, for whatever reason he didn’t break off the engagement at the time. I don’t know their status now and truthfully don’t care. They also said he had gone to some random girls house for a piece of ass on a weekend. Again, didn’t ask was just told and at this point I was a little annoyed everyone thought I wanted to know these things so I told them to stop and they did. It did, however, make me feel better and let me know how much of a bullet I dodged.

A month or two later I was taking a shower when I spotted something on top of my medicine cabinet. After my shower I looked and it was his brown streaked underwear. Just sitting there. I believe he kept them up there while we were together as I did his laundry for a bit and he didn’t want me to see. I almost threw up. I threw them out then went through everything else to make sure things like that weren’t laying anywhere. Thankfully there was nothing else.

It’s been months since then but two days ago I got a text from his sister. I genuinely miss his family, they were so fun and made everyone feel welcomed. I messaged her back and we talked for roughly an hour just catching up. Suddenly she asked if I could unblock Calum because he had something to say. I thought it would something about where his underwear was ngl. I asked her what it was about and she said she didn’t know. She obviously did but I don’t blame her or hold any grudge because that is her brother and I can understand it. I unblocked him and it was immediate love bombing to me.

“Hey, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, but I can't stand how things happened. I think about you constantly. You changed my life and showed me what love is and how to be loved. I will never forget your perfection or the way I could just stare at you and talk to you about anything. I felt a real spark, something real. I just wanted you to know that I love you. I always will. Your so beautiful in every way possible. You are absolutely perfect, and I hope that maybe you felt the same way.”

I left his full message and this was the first time he had ever said he loved me. Gave me the ick a bit. If things had gone more smoothly I would’ve been inclined to believe him, but with how things went and being able to look back, I don’t believe a word he says. I messaged him back a lengthy message, trying to be subtle about not wanting a relationship with him. It’s long so I’ll sum it up.

“I do love you, but what happened happened and that’s just that. I think you may need to go to therapy. Not saying that to be a dick I promise. Your history isn’t your fault but your reactions to things is and you’re reactions made me feel emotionally unsafe. I don’t want to live in fear of everything I say” I then apologized for the idiotic jokes I made “I’m working on myself and becoming more independent and self sufficient. I’m not talking or dating and won’t be till then. We aren’t compatible.”

He then said he understands and that he went to a doctor but didn’t say what they did or if they figured anything out. He also said he asked to with me because his friends were going and he wanted to show me off. (Throwback to the friend, I was told it was just them, no other friends, and I fully believe him and not Calum.) Calum then says he knows there’s work to be done but he can’t let me go.

At this point I’m more annoyed than anything and said screw subtle. I told him I have no trust in him and don’t want to live my life in fear. I then said “I don’t doubt you can grow, everyone’s constantly learning new things no matter what age. I just don’t know what age you will be when you learn to control your anger.” This is when I mentioned the lack of trust with loyalty. I said “I also don’t trust you with cheating. I’m not saying you’ve done it but I heard about what you tried doing with that one girl after everything and that’s not exactly a good look for anyone.”

His reply is shortened for time sake but is exact quotes, even the bad grammar. Summed down it went as follows: “Yeah, I get it. I’m a piece of shit. I treated you like a queen until you threatened me yet I still found a way to talk to you just to get told how bad a person I am and that I will cheat wtf. Just tell me you used me for your short benefit. And what about what girl because I haven’t been with anyone because every woman I’ve ever felt with just wants to make me be the bad guy with it honestly I’m not perfect but that’s what you expect. Why did you unblock me if this is how you were gonna be honestly. You’re different my nickname you’re worth the battle you’re worth it but you refuse to let me show you I don’t really have anger issues like you say I do I don’t I have a little anxiety. There was nothing wrong with going to Twin Peaks that was simply you trying to control me. If you’re willing to throw away the best man for you just because of that then that’s on you. I have and will never love someone the way I love you. I just wish that was enough sometimes…”

I was immediately pissed off. If the “best guy for me” would curse in my “generally direction” because I have anxiety with smoking but would then get mad at me for being upset with his “anxiety” then I’ll die alone. Yes anxiety does come with anger but what I had to deal with was anger issues. No ifs ands or buts about it. I never tried to “control” him. Never told him he couldn’t hang out with friends by himself or go to the bar by himself. Never told him he had to be by my side 24/7 or I’d throw a hissy fit. Never went through his phone. Never told him he couldn’t talk to a girl. I love my personal space. I have sensory issues and too much together time so soon would send me over the edge and I know some people are also like that and I won’t put that on anyone. I’m insecure about my body not if someone could take my man. If they can take him they can have him. But to go out of your way to go someplace like that so soon is pushing it and I ain’t gonna let myself be torn down by a self called “man”. Literally he called himself a man so many times. In my opinion if you’re a man you don’t have to say it, your actions should be doing all the talking. I don’t want to be with him ever again and this conversation helped solidify that even more. Anyway I left him with this and blocked him and his sister:

“I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for understanding. Love isn’t enough. It’s love, trust and communication. The last two are lacking. That’s just that. Sorry I unblocked you, I’ll fix that. I wish you the best. Truly. Bye (his name).”

Anywho that’s my rant. AITA? Any advice on how to improve myself will be noted. I ain’t perfect and I got a lot of work to do and any help would be appreciated. Thank you for reading, I know it’s a lot.