Hi everyone, I’m 27F from a family with a migration background. English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. I’m using fake names.

I have two older sisters, Shelly (35F) and Lucy (32F), both married with kids. This post is about Lucy.

We’ve always had a complicated relationship—lots of good moments but also frequent conflicts. Our parents were strict, especially with my older sisters. I was treated more gently, which created tension. Lucy, in particular, felt it was unfair and often resented it. Fights would escalate badly, sometimes getting physical, which made me hate confrontations. Even as adults, Lucy would bring up past grievances.

I’ve always tried to earn her approval, fearing she’d hate me otherwise. Over time, I worked on being less defensive and better at handling conflict. Lucy often criticized me for being shy or socially awkward, and I’ve heard I struggle with criticism.

During her first pregnancy in 2021, we had more fights. She’d often snap at me, mock my cooking or eating habits, and call me too sensitive if I pushed back. If I couldn’t help her or had other plans, she accused me of making excuses.

During the pandemic, she felt isolated, especially since her husband was busy. I tried to be there for her a lot. She often said she was the "black sheep" and that nobody took her seriously. Shelly and I tried supporting her, even confronting our mom about past parenting mistakes. Lucy eventually cut contact with our mom over something offensive she said. We supported her decision.

After her first child, I thought our relationship had improved. Fewer fights, better communication. I was usually the one to apologize after arguments, but I believed that was just how she was—blunt and temperamental. Still, she was protective of me at times, which I appreciated.

Now to the recent conflict:

Lucy is pregnant again, and since late last year, she’s been critical of my relationship with my boyfriend (we’ve been together since 2023). She was initially happy for me, but things changed quickly:

1. Birthday message: On my birthday last year, my boyfriend texted her (without me knowing) because I was sad she hadn’t messaged yet. He meant well, but she saw it as disrespectful since they hadn’t met yet.
2. Intimacy before marriage: She was shocked I was intimate with him before marriage, despite it being consensual and something I don’t regret.
3. Money matters: I once paid for flight tickets while interning, and she judged him for accepting my help even though he usually pays for most things.
4. Time together: She thinks he takes advantage of my support and that I neglect family and friends for him—which isn’t true. I still made time for her and her child regularly.
5. Family acceptance: She resents that our parents and Shelly welcomed him, unlike her.

These concerns kept coming up in conversations, even though I reassured her that I was happy and valued her concern. I tried explaining our compatibility and that I wasn’t blindly in love. Eventually, she said she was tired of being seen as a "hater" for just being worried.

I thought we moved past it—until she gave me an ultimatum: break up with him or it proves I don’t care about her feelings. She said I could do better looks-wise and that I was too naïve.

That broke me. I’m happy in my relationship—he’s kind, emotionally supportive, and respectful. Her reaction felt cruel. She even said it was “disgusting” to see pictures of us and that I’d “give any guy a chance.”

When I tried to walk away to calm down, she physically stopped me, got more aggressive, and wouldn’t let me leave. I broke down crying. After I told her calmly that my relationship is my choice, she dismissed me and told me to take the gift my boyfriend bought her and her husband back.

I didn’t message her for two weeks after that, focusing on my bachelor thesis and mental health. When I reached out to give her a birthday gift, she brushed me off and accused me of ignoring her. Our texts escalated, and I finally let out all my frustration. She accused me of playing the victim, unfollowed me on Instagram, left all our group chats, and stopped responding to my messages.

A month later, I texted her saying I miss her and my nephew. She didn’t answer my question, only said she’s still processing everything.

I had posted anonymously on Reddit to get an outside perspective. She found the post, was furious, and blocked me on everything. She called it a betrayal and said it felt like a stab in the heart, even though she had posted a WhatsApp statement about the fight herself. I deleted the post at Shelly’s request, but the damage was done.

I was just overwhelmed and desperate. I never wanted things to get this bad or hurt her. I genuinely wanted to understand if I did something wrong or how I could handle conflict better moving forward.

So… am I the a-hole for how I handled this or for posting about it? Could I have done things differently?

Thanks for reading this mess.