Hi redditors,

I need to get this of my chest and know if I'm acting crazy. I know I have a lot of trauma and I'm working trough it, so please be kind if my feelings and behavior are out of line. The reason I'm posting here is to get some perspective. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but that's hard and still some nuances may be lost. So please ask if you have any doubts or other questions.

TLDR: I wasn't invited to a Bachelorette party, making me question the friendship and wanting to dial back the effort I put into their wedding and the friendship, but due to trauma I'm wondering if I'm overreacting and might be an ah especially since it could be detrimental to my boyfriend.

I 34f have been with my boyfriend 32m for almost two years. In the beginning he introduced me to his best friend and his girlfriend, we seemed to click. We hung out with the four of us when we could. It was nice. I felt I had gained new friends.

Now I know I have my troubles. Which may come across as abusive if you don't know the whole story. And my boyfriend has trouble speaking up for himself, which we are working on and I'm gently nudging him to go talk to a professional about it while in our interactions I do my best to give him space to grow. He has expressed he appreciates the way I go about that.

Now, about a year ago there seemed to be an issue arising between the befriended couple and me, yet no-one would tell me what it was. So I suggested that all four of us meet up and talk about it. Then my boyfriend went on vacation with his best friend and they talked about it. Not finding it fair I was the only one who didn't know, my boyfriend told me the issue. In their eyes I was at times being too negative and could only talk about my issues. I can appreciate that kind of feedback, which is a newfound skill over the last decade or so, but if we would've had a conversation about it then, I would've asked them to tell me when it gets to be too much, since I have trouble knowing when someone feels that way.

The conversation with the four of us never happened and things seemed to mellow out. Then a lot of stuff happened. Among other things I first got covid and then long covid, making my energy levels a lot more challenging to manage. It makes me miss out on a lot of stuff, which hurts. I'm trying to let it affect my boyfriend as little as possible, but at times I'm not able to shield him from it.

Then the town's yearly festival was comming up. The couple doesn't live in our town and my bf came and asked me what I would think about them comming up and enjoying it with us. Usually I would be all for it, but it was one of the first times managing such an event with my long covid and the tought of everyone partying without me when my body wouldn't let me hurt, so I was already trying to think of strategies to manage my feelings when my boyfriend was out with his local friend group and I would be at home alone, should that situation arise. So I objected to adding more people to the party group, partially because I know I have a hard time holding myself back, especially when there are people present who I would especially hate to miss spending time with. On top of that I was expecting a week of recovery time which was followed up by my bf and mines first vacation together, for which I wanted to be as fit as possible. Knowing that if i pushed myself too hard, either emotionally or physically, I could get a setback in my longcovid that would ruin not just the week after, but the holiday as well and maybe even worse, become a permanent setback. Yet I didn't want to just deny them the fun, so I tried to think of solutions that would work. My boyfriend saw me trying to go out of bounds in order to fit them being here into the plans and put a stop to it. So we decided that though we wished things were different, it wasn't a wise move for us to invite them. So he had to tell his best friend that, since they had come up with the plan together. I hated the fact covid was ruining yet another thing.

A week later the best friend called my boyfriend, furious. Long story short, I was an abusive witch. It took a month or two before we got together to talk things trough. They told me they saw me as someone who was trying to isolate my boyfriend and that I wasn't giving him enough space. They accused me of not actually having long covid and using it as a tactic. They told me he had even quit a hobby he would sometimes enjoy with them, due to me no longer liking that hobby. They acuused me of all this and more. It was all misconstrued.

I wasn't isolating him, I even reminded my bf that he had said he wanted to go and visit his best friend yet kept forgetting to plan it, so I kept reminding him till he planned it. The moment his best friend called we were about to pick a date with my boyfriend out of the poll we all filled out to actually plan a get together, because I didn't want to forget about it. The hobby? We watch a sport, all four of us, yet for some reason we as a couple felt we had other priorities this season. One time it was me less interested, the other time it was my bf, after a couple of months we decided our interest just wasn't there anymore and we had beter things to do than watch sports on TV. They somehow thought I was able to manipulate him into quiting, taking watching the games together away from them.

The towns festival was a whole story in and of itself. Apparently my bf and his best friend had talked a couple of days before he brought it up to me. The best friend and girlfriend had apparently thought it was as good as a done deal, though my bf said he needed to talk to me about it, so they rearranged and canceled their plans to make it possible. They were especially charmed by my boyfriends excitement. So when bf told them no, they were understandably upset and confused. They thought our holiday was straight after the festival and even though they didn't believe at the time that qI have long covid, they could imagine that the townsfestival would be enough as is when then immediately going on holiday. So when they then found out that I would've had a week to recover and that should've been enough, they flipped out. Apparently even the things they had canceled were no longer an option, making them miss even more stuff. My boyfriend told them he was sorry for not talking to me sooner and thus not informing them sooner.

In the conversation I expressed to them that I hate the fact my issues at times prevent my boyfriend from experiencing and enjoying things fully, like going home with me earlier than he would've wanted or not drinking, because he has to drive since I'm not able to cycle the distance yet. I wish I wasn't ill. Not mentally and not physically. I have, from the very beginning, been extremely open with my bf about what's going on. Since even though I hate the fact that it influences things, I can't do more than the meriad of therapies I do and things I work trough either on my own or with his support.

We talked about a lot. It was me and my boyfriend explaining situations where they had misread the signals and had assumed the worst. I also apologized for them having to miss out on things due to our late decision regarding the townsfestival. What stung me though is that even though it all seemed to consist of them thinking the worst of me and us explaining them how they got it all wrong, not a single apology for the hurtful things they had said and done was uttered. In the end I decided that I would let it go for the sake of trying to rebuild the friendship.

We all felt okay afterwards, or at least said we did. We spent a lot of time together in the next month. Partially due to us supporting them in a build which we even went an extra day for, to finish and get things safe and secure. For which they thanked us.

They got engaged just before we talked things trough. Then, three months before their wedding they announced the date and venue. We immediately booked a hotel, so that when I'm tired I can retire and my bf can continue partying. Ever since then we've been bending over backwards. Three months is not a lot of time to arrange things, especially with our busy schedule. So my bf is trying to help arrange the bachelorparty (he got added to an app group) and he went suit shopping with the groom, we needed to go suit shopping for him. We want to make a personalized gift on top of a monetary gift, I need a dress and new spanks. We were already stressed for time before we got the save the date (no invite yet) and due to the short time frame we are now in over our heads. But we do it, because they are our friends and we love them and want them to have the best wedding day possible.

Last Sunday, we went out with the four of us and had a blast. I finally felt we were getting back to our old dynamic a bit, maybe even better. Now I had been thinking about the Bachelorette and was a bit worried that I hadn't heard anything, yet I didn't want to intrude. But since Sunday was so amazing I talked to my bf and he then talked to the person who initiated the bachelor party. Apparently there is a Bachelorette and I'm simply not invited. Which is her prerogative and that's fine. However, upon letting it sit, I realized it also makes me feel like I'm putting in a lot more effort to get this friendship back than they are. Why am I bending over backwards to accommodate their late planning? Why am I spending upwards of 400 dollars on wedding related stuff for people who only seem to invite me as an appendage to my bf. I'm still going, ofcourse I'm supporting my bf. And we still need the hotel room, I still need a dress that goes with my bfs suit, I still need new spanks, I still need to get a haircut which I would've otherwise delayed by a lot. But things like the personalized gift, I feel a lot less inclined to put effort in.

In a way I feel like 'why am I going at all', but then I think about my bf and I know how much he would appreciate me being there. So I'm going. However, financially I'm in a very tight spot due to being ill. And I was going to put myself trough the ringer to afford it all. Now I'm not so sure I want to do that. I also don't know if I want to put as much effort into this friendship going forward. I feel hurt. If it would've been me getting married, she would've been invited no questions asked, simply because I want that friendship. Or wanted it. I don't know. Am I overreacting? I'm not saying that I want or need to be invited. That ship sailed the moment I learned that she chose the guest list and I wasn't on it. It's just the question of what I want from this friendship. Since they clearly don't want the same with me than what I hoped for with them. Would I be the asshole if I dialed my efforts back making the dynamic harder on my boyfriend?