Hi Reddit. I (29F) am currently engaged to my fiancé (32M), and I’m seriously questioning whether I want to move forward with the relationship due to some tension that’s come up recently.

For context, I have ADHD, autism, and a decent amount of trauma that affects my ability to regulate emotions and hold a long-term job. (However, my fiancé knows all of this & ways to help me in meltdowns) In 2019, my grandparents got sick, and I became their full-time caretaker—particularly for my oma, who was like a second mother to me. She passed away in 2022, the year I met my fiancé and I’ve struggled deeply with grief and depression ever since. I also was attending college during this time (I’ve completed 160 credit hours), which I’m proud of. However, after her death, my ability to function even as a human decreased dramatically. I’m talking not even leaving the house for days on end or brushing my hair or teeth.

When my fiancé and I first got together, he lived with my mom and me for about a year. He didn’t pay for rent, groceries, or bills during that time. I also had around $7,500 in savings, and I spent a lot of that on things for him—including $3,500 for a trip to his brother’s baby shower, where I covered everything.

Since then, we’ve lived in our own apartment for about 2 years. I’ve worked 4 jobs during this time and contributed financially when I could. My mom has helped us out significantly—paying for groceries and my gas for an entire year, while I paid the electric and internet bills. My current job situation isn’t stable, and my fiancé doesn’t earn enough for us to ever realistically buy a home on our own anytime soon. Let alone to support me while i navigate trying to find a job that is conducive to me and my struggles.

Here’s where the conflict starts: My mom recently bought a large home that’s essentially a perfect setup for our long-term future. She’s disabled and is going to be needing more care as she is in a wheelchair and will eventually need more help, so the plan is that I’ll live with her and help care for her as needed, forever. (My dad left, and my siblings live elsewhere) The basement to the house she bought is fully finished with a bedroom, bathroom, living room, and two extra rooms—all of which she’s offered to me and my future family.

Not only did she offer a place for me to stay, but she has let me know that she is willing to help me with just about everything down to going back to school and to starting my own business, all things that are impossible right now based off of our financial situation.

The problem is that my fiancé is upset that the two spare rooms in the basement are being kept as guest rooms for now (for when my siblings visit), rather than being used however he wants—like as a game room, for example. We aren’t expecting kids yet, but we’re planning to within the next 2–3 years, and these rooms are intended for that purpose eventually. I told him it didn’t make sense to turn one into a game room right now—especially because I go to bed early and he stays up late gaming, which has already caused issues in our relationship. Having the gaming setup in our shared bedroom just works so much better for me emotionally or mentally. Sometimes waking up and not seeing him causes me to panic, which makes him upset to have the get off the game early, which is usually around 1 am.

Now he’s saying it doesn’t feel like the space is “ours,” even though we’d have our own large living space, own living room, own bathroom, own entire floor of the house - all with no rent, bills, or food expenses. I feel like he’s not seeing the bigger picture—that this is an amazing opportunity for us to get on our feet, save money, and build a future. We also only live in a one bedroom small apartment now, so we aren’t losing any space in this move, even without the 2 bedrooms, we are gaining space. He’s acting like we’re losing something when in reality we’re gaining so much more than we ever could afford on our own.

Besides, for this entire debacle, our relationship hasn’t been all that great. We constantly fight over stupid things and tend to not understand each other so this is almost just the needle on the top of the haystack as well.

So… AITA for seriously reconsidering the entire engagement over his lack of gratitude and unwillingness to see this for the gift that it is?