I (34M) had a vulnerable childhood. My mother was mostly absent, she was heavily into drinking and constantly traveling with her friends. I was essentially raised by a nanny. My father had kept a girlfriend through his marriage. I never received any love or care from either of them. They were mostly distant just financially providing and checking in on me through my teenage.

What has been a painful secret of my life is that I was groomed and abused by my aunt/godmother for several years, something that conditioned my mind deeply in what ways I experience a belonging. I didn’t really begin to process any of this until I went to college and started living independently. Afterwards I had therapy for years and continue to find healing. It's accepted my past and my headspace but it's painfully difficult finding not being acceptable to others.

My relationships (since my aunt) have largely followed a kink based dynamic not just sexually, but emotionally (in a switch way) as well. It’s something I need to feel safe, connected, and understood. But every time I’ve opened up about my past to someone I’m dating, things fall apart. Either they become too curious in a voyeuristic way asking me for details like “how did it start” or “did you enjoy it?” or they get grossed out, repulsed, and slowly (or sometimes instantly) pull away.

I'm accompalished, intellectually aesthetical, social and I believe in providing for my partner yet l've never had a woman respond with empathy or true acceptance and intimacy after learning about my past. What confuses and hurts me more is that these same people often love engaging in role play or kink scenarios until they know my past then suddenly it becomes “too real” or “too messed up,” and I get treated like damaged goods.

At this point, I’m starting to believe that maybe I am broken in a way that makes me unworthy of love, marriage, or a family. Like I’ll never be able to have something healthy or real, and maybe I should just stop hoping to meet a woman who will accept me.

AITA for feeling like it’s unfair, or for wanting to give up on the idea of being fully accepted as I am?