My (27F) boyfriend (33M) of nearly 4 years isn’t big on birthdays. I’ve always respected that—no balloons or loud surprises—but gift-giving has never been an issue. I like picking thoughtful gifts based on his hobbies and interests, and he’s always accepted them.

This year, he's been really down—stuck in a job he hates and feeling unmotivated. So, for his birthday, I booked refundable plane tickets to a destination he’s always dreamed of visiting. I planned ahead, got a good deal, and included a cancellation option just in case the timing didn’t work. I packaged the reservation in a cute candy box (he loves sweets).

He opened the box, poked through the candy, found the envelope, and said, “Oh. Okay,” then went back to heating up some soup for dinner. No smile, no “thanks,” no follow-up questions. I figured maybe he just needed time for it to sink in.

Later, as we were getting ready for bed (we both had work early the next day), I said, “We can cancel the tickets if the dates don’t work,” and he replied, without looking up from his phone, “What tickets?”

I said, “The plane tickets. They’re refundable,” and he just kept scrolling. At that point, I lost it and asked why he was ignoring me. He got defensive and said, “You gave me the tickets and now it’s ME ignoring YOU?”

I started crying and said, “I didn’t expect you to jump for joy, but a simple thank you would’ve been nice.”

He responded, “Why would I owe you some kind of happiness?”

That hit hard. Then he added, “You know how I feel about birthdays. You still expected some reaction and now you’re judging me for not meeting your expectations. This is exactly why I don’t celebrate.”

(Except, side note: he’s planning a birthday party with his friends next week.)

He also said, “You’re only thinking from YOUR perspective,” and “There are a lot of steps involved in planning this trip, not just booking tickets.”

I tried to explain the whole point was that it wasn’t set in stone—it was flexible—but the night ended with him close to tears saying, “Don’t EVER give me gifts. I don’t want to feel like this again. I just wanted a relaxing evening—not this shitshow.” and me crying myself to sleep.

The next day, he acted totally normal, like nothing happened.

To be clear: we’ve worked a lot on our relationship. We’ve both grown, and for the past year or so, things have felt really good between us. I love him deeply, he's totally husband material, but in situations like this things get ugly. We’ve always handled conflict differently. I want to talk and resolve things; he avoids confrontation at all costs. And when I try to bring up something that upset me, I often get responses like, “Well, that’s your problem,” or “I say nothing because I have nothing to say.” and he never ever apologizes. I can talk to him about every issue in my life, and he will be the most supportive human being, but when it has to do something with him, it's the complete opposite. It's been a very long time since our last fight, and I'm not doing okay, I am sad, I am pissed, I am disappointed and also feeling guilty for making him feel like shit on his birthday. And I know that I can't talk to him about me being upset, because of the responses I just quoted (and I'm still feeling too emotional about it to manage this kind of conversation, even though 2 days have passed already). All my motivation to do nice things is gone too, because what's the point anyway. At this point I even don't care if we are going on the trip as I had planned or not, all I want is an adult conversation about it.

I’ve worked hard in therapy to handle conflict better—use “I” statements, stay calm, manage my emotions—but when I feel stonewalled or dismissed like this, I lose it. And this time, I really did. I got angry, emotional, and it turned into exactly the opposite of what I intended.

I wasn’t expecting fireworks, just any acknowledgment. Even, “This is a lot, but thank you—we can figure it out later.” But instead, I feel like I gave something with love, and got indifference and hostility in return.

So… AITAH for being upset about how he reacted—or didn’t react—to the gift?