I (38M) have been married to my wife (33F) for 8 years, and we’ve been together for 12. I come from a background shaped by a narcissistic parent, so for a long time I didn’t realize that my wife shared a lot of those same traits. It took me about 3 years into our marriage to see it for what it was, but by then, I felt in too deep, and if I’m being honest, I thought I could manage. I’ve gotten used to surviving hard things. I’m a disabled veteran with my own mental health struggles, so "making the best of a bad situation" has always felt kind of normal to me.

But over the last few years, things have gone way beyond what I was ever prepared for. Her behavior has gotten unpredictable, paranoid, and truly frightening. She spends all day on the couch, not working, barely helping around the house. Just sitting on Twitter Spaces (she doesn’t talk, just listens). She’ll yell at the phone like she’s in a heated argument, screaming about traumas that, frankly, never happened. Things like a child being taken from her (she’s never had children) and wild accusations about being surveilled or targeted by law enforcement.

It got worse. She now claims to be of different nationalities on a monthly basis (currently she’s “Qatari”), says our phones are tapped, and that my sister (who has a somewhat successful YouTube channel) is part of a conspiracy to shadow ban her social accounts so that my wife cant become "internet famous". She thinks her biological mother is actually her cousin, etc.

I wish I could say that was the extent of it, but it keeps going. She’s now dragged me and my teenage son (16M, from my first marriage) into these delusions. She’s accused him of trafficking the imaginary child she insists was taken from her. I can barely leave the house anymore or speak to anyone without fear of more accusations. She’s become physically aggressive with me, destroyed thousands of dollars of my property, and blasted me all over social media with lies and slander.

I’ve tried everything I can think of to help her. But she refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong. Won’t see a doctor. Won’t hear it from me. And the more I try to show concern, the more she sees me as part of the conspiracy.

I know she’s not well. To me, it looks and feels like paranoid schizophrenia, and watching someone you love slip into a state like this is devastating. But I’m also at my limit. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel seen. And I’m starting to lose myself in all of this.

So… AITA for wanting to just tap out and walk away? I honestly don’t know what will happen to her if I do, and the guilt is crushing. But I can’t keep doing this. Not when she refuses help and turns me into the enemy for even trying.

Edit:

I know it seems like the easy answer would be to just leave. And I could give you excuses about separating property, or her destroying my things, or something seemingly petty. But so much more goes into it.

1. We have 5 pets together. 3 dogs and 2 cats. If I were to leave, the only place I could go would be my mothers house. I am a disabled veteran on limited income and cant just get a place. My mom already has 3 dogs. I could probably bring my small dog I have had for 12 years, but what about the rest? Leaving them unattended in her care could be a death sentence.

My kids (15M),(16M) from my first marriage were taken from me when they were 6 and 7, which killed me and in turn my animals filled that void and I view them as my children. So it is quite the emotional toll to take on if I just have to walk away.

1. I don't think she can make it on her own. She has pushed everyone away and I doubt her family would be there to help. They just don't understand mental illness. So leaving feels like I am dooming her to slowly fade away into being another mentally ill homeless person that no one wants to help. I went through 2 years of homelessness after the military and I wouldn't wish that on my own enemy.

2. I'm starting to try to accept that I may have some kind of savior complex. I served in the U.S. Coast Guard doing Search and Rescue. Saved some people but also lost some. The ones lost messed me up pretty bad. I was just a kid at the time. One was a 4 year old girl whose parents weren't watching her. I think these events in my life made me feel like I have to save everyone, and I don't want to give up on them.

Also, my 2 kids are from my previous marriage and live a few states over so they are in no immediate danger. But she claims to see them and their mother around here all the time.