I really loved her. Like really, from the bottom of my heart. I did everything I could to make her feel special. Even though we were long distance, I never let that stop me. I’d plan virtual dates, check in on her when she was sick, stay up late just to talk to her even when I had things to do the next day. I’d call her beautiful out of nowhere, I wrote things for her, I made her feel like she was the most important person in the world to me. Even when she wasn’t affectionate back, I stayed. I was just always hoping that one day she'd start giving me the love I kept giving her.

In the beginning, she was sweet, warm, emotionally present. She used to send long messages, cared about how I was feeling, and showed love in small ways. But after a while, everything started changing. She stopped putting in effort. She would barely text me properly, just dry replies like “awww” or “tysm” even when I was pouring my heart out. I’d send her paragraphs and she’d just respond with “hm.” I tried not to complain, but I could feel myself slowly breaking.

And yes, I’ll admit I made mistakes. I have an anxious attachment style, and I was constantly afraid of losing her. I needed reassurance sometimes. I needed to feel loved too. I argued at times. I pointed out the emotional distance. I sent a breakup message once, which I instantly regretted and took back, but I was overwhelmed and just trying to feel some sort of control in a situation that was hurting me. My brain was in panic mode, man. But none of it was to manipulate her. I was just hurting and I didn’t know how to deal with it all the time.

But the way she reacted to all that hurt me even more. She stopped trying. She acted like I was the only problem and made me feel like a burden. She would get irritated when I brought up my feelings, sometimes even shout or snap at me. She once said “you exhaust me” when I was just trying to explain how I felt. She constantly blamed me and refused to acknowledge how cold she had become. It was always about how I made her feel, never about what she was doing to me.

She never made me feel secure. I just wanted one simple thing that while we’re trying to fix things, we don’t emotionally or romantically engage with anyone else. But she made it sound like I was asking for commitment too soon, like I was being unfair. When I explained I just wanted clarity and safety while we rebuild, she told me to “just trust her” but never offered that same trust back.

She never once truly apologized for being emotionally unavailable or making me feel alone in the relationship. She dismissed my emotional needs and made me feel like being needy or wanting affection was wrong. In the end, she made me feel like the whole thing fell apart just because of me that if I had just stayed quiet and tolerated things, it would have worked. But that’s not love. That’s just emotional neglect.

I know I wasn’t perfect, but I really gave this relationship my everything. And I wasn’t met halfway. I kept fighting for something I thought we both wanted, but it felt like I was doing it alone while being made to feel like the villain the whole time. That’s the part that hurts the most.