I need your opinions to see if I was honestly the asshole throughout my relationship (be brutal so I can learn from this). It's a long read by the way.

My last ex and I started off strong, then I realized that I hated so much about the man, namely his hypocrisy and little toxic tendencies (always being right and never apologizing, thinking he was better, always playing the victim, and lying/gaslighting). When we started going out, we both told each other that we had been tested for stds-turned out to be a lie, he had not been tested. He contracted syphilis and was feeling super sick, so he went to a clinic and got diagnosed. Then he was given antibiotics to clear it up. He told me that he wanted to be honest so he opened up about it and when I asked him about him lying a few months ago, he told me “that’s not what I said, I told you about not having symptoms”.

I had to tell schedule an appointment with my physician to see if I had syphilis and was asymptomatic-my mum found out as I'm on her healthcare plan until i'm 26 (was 24) at the time and she told my sisters (both physicians) because she wanted to know how to tackle syphilis and what the person would need to live a comfortable life. Thanks to my mum blabbing about it to my sisters, I had a conversation with all three of them and my dad about it. The thing is we didn't have sex (both men), because we wanted to wait until marriage and even when he wanted to have sec, I told him no, as I honestly didn't want to have sex with him. I told him because I thought he should know and he got livid. He told me I betrayed his trust and disrespected him, I tried explaining myself and he gave me the silent treatment for a bit. Weeks after he still had this mentality that I brettayed him and made a fool of him to my family.

Fast forward to a few weeks, I break up with him and feel bad about it so we decide to stay friends. The cause of the breakup was as follows: -he tried making me the bad guy when I told him to not breed for a while until he's financially stable (he breeds dogs and had a ton of debt but liked going out drinking instead of saving) -talked about his exes in every situation and would post about how bad they were and how he hoped they changed -going back to the previous comment, he told his family and friends that I told him to "get rid of his dogs", when I just told him not to breed or get new dogs because he wasnt able to afford them -he wouldn't want to go to therapy or talk to a professional about his depression and generally traumatic experiences since he says that he could handle it and didn't have the money (understandable) -honestly wouldn't take care of himself or his areas of living (car was always dirty, didn't pick up after his dogs when we took them out saying that it was too much work/natural, and I hadn't been in his house at the time but found out later that it was worse than I imagined-he blamed it on depression from an ex that he had broken up over a year ago) -his constant condescension, asking me if I had taken my medication (bipolar) and if I was mature enough to make a relationship work because it had ups and downs.

This is where to the toxicity would come out in both parties. I had an accident early in our relationship and he was very supportive then and I was a gym rat that lost a lot of muscle due to not being able to work out for 6 months (broken bones, lots of scarring from getting glass and metal pulled out of my leg, arm, and abdomen). I wasn't building muscle like I had before and was stressing, he made a few recurring comments such as "you lost muscle", "you need to work harder to get back to how you were before", or "you're flabby right now"-I don't think it was meant to hurt but it did. So we were both on grindr and I found a picture of a guy who had a strikingly similar body to mine before the accident and I started catfishing using his body pic. It's disgusting and I feel horrible but I didn't meet anyone because it was wrong and got on to see if he was online. I stuck to tinder and bumble when we were just friends, it showed my scarred face but it was me. Got a few matches from men and women (bi), and I went on a few dates. Anyways, he would tell me about his hookups, explicitly, one time he mentioned that he let a guy, you know in him and it felt great. So I decided to go into details about my dates to even the score-I know it was wrong.

I go over to his one night because it was 3am and he asked me to spend the night to keep him company but he blindfolds me to avoid seeing the house. I thought it was a bit messy so I comply and he does the same thing next morning. I have to go to his place because of some family drama he had and his sister was there and I saw the state of his house. He had trash and rat droppings all over the place and old things his past exes left behind. He told me that he had always been a bit messy but it culminated with his last ex that left him and it go to point he lived in a landfill. I was visibly shocked and was going to leave, I felt my skin crawl. He stops me and starts crying and looks at me with a odd look and I comment "you look like you hate me" and he responds with "I do" and says that he showed me his vulnerability and I judged him. I'm not sure how I was wrong about judging his living conditions but I apologize and try to explain myself but he tells me that I'm a bad person.

Moving on, a guy on snapchat that he said he didn't like began messaging me and I did the same because he was honestly nice. The guy talking to me at the time, added him because I was a mutual and he had multiple mutual friends either him, not to mention my ex made a snap on my account where he was laying on my shoulder. He adds the guy and starts telling him what I like and don't like, basically giving him a list to maintain me as he put in a message. Then they got into a fight and my ex didn't tell but the other guy did, after a week. I asked my ex about it and he was immediately defensive and dismissive saying that "it's none of your business and I didn't have to tell you", which I told him that what he does on his time is fine but if it relates to me then I would like to know. He then starts saying that im taking the other guy's side when I should be on his. I try telling him that I just wanted to know what occurred and he keeps being rude and defensive, until I tell him that he's acting like a high school girl with his drama. He tells me that normal people get rid of drama so I block him. His niece calls me three days later and asks me to hear him out, so I do.

He asks me to go to his place and I do, despite having class that morning. He then tells me off and how much of an idiot I am despite having three degrees and being a grad student because I can't see that he was fighting for me. I explain my point and apologize for blocking him, he never apologizes and says he was in his right so he doesn't feel regret over what he said. We then start arguing again over little things when I mention that this is toxic and he tells me that I want an easy relationship when they aren't (they're not supposed to be that hard either). We get to the subject of how he makes me feel bad about myself and I bring in that he calls me his fwb, despite us never having sex and me not wanting sex. He always tried to initiate it and I would stop that. He says that im too sensitive and took what he said wrong and I put on him on the spot. I leave it and mention that he inappropriately touches/gropes me and he tells ne that "it's my love language and you like it", I try to explain to him that's not the case and he mentions that so get hard when he does so I quiet down. Throughout the whole conversation I kept staying quiet because he made seemingly valid points, which friends, family, and my psychiatrist later told me was manipulation under the guise of reasoning. she then gets angry when we talk about making each other jealous to the point he punches me on the shoulder a few times, and was going to punch my face, then I told him if he did that I would retaliate and the punch never came. The argument gets heated again and he starts crying and tells that I can do better than "trash" like him and I start feeling sorry for him and comforting him. He then tells me that he hates me, cheated on me, that his body count went up by 12 since we broke up, and that he was keeping me around as a placeholder for the "right one". That hurt so I turn to leave and try to get in my car, which he stops me and says that he's sorry for saying that stuff and that it wasnt true. I was a mess and believed him, moronic on my part.

We make up but it lingered on me that he likely wasnt lying about what he said. Over the next few weeks he acts sweet for a bit then acts cold and then he tells me he needs to talk to me (pretty sure it was the catfishing thing and I was relieved because I finally could stop pretending) then he goes on a rant about how I say insensitive things and hide behind my mental disorders, which I think is a fair point. I talk to him and explain that I haven't taken my meds so e after the breakup and he says that he will tell my mum, which I sound to be the worse thing he could say because he told me a lot of things I wanted to bring up to his mother, which I won't go into to respect his privacy but they were something a parent should be aware of. I tell him that and he says that it was best for me and that I had to do it or he would, I talk to my mum because I prefer that she hears it from me and get scheduled an appointment soon and she gives me an emergency bottle my psychiatrist gave her in case I got rid of my meds. I tell him and he tells me "see im always looking out for you" and then tells me I need to take care of myself better.

I get a notification of some friends who added him on social media and they send me posts he makes about me, namely one saying that "Training a dog with adhd is easier than training a bf". I took offense and called him and when I asked about the post he told me it was a joke and that he loves dogs so it's a compliment to be compared to one. He then tells me that I'm too sensitive and I stop him and try explaining my feelings to which he said "im busy and will call you in my time" then hangs up. He wasn't busy and every time he needed something or to call even when I was busy, I would drop what I was doing to make sure he was okay. Granted he did the same to me for a few things (my car accident and when I got really high on gummies) but I did it for him a little more and mostly when he wanted to talk about being worthless or ending his life. I wait for three days and he leaves my snaps and messages read and posts himself at a nightclub so I just blocked him. He asked his niece to be an intermediary again and I block her too. This was in October, and he posts constantly saying that I'm a narcissist and liar (I agree with this) and then starts saying that I was physically abusive and impudent that I was sexually abusive too. He never explains what he did though. Anyways he starts posing that he tried and ignored my mistakes and I still left.

This moves into the new year and my friend who lost my number and couldn't contact me on snapchat (my account was locked for a bit due to the app saying I violated guidelines by posting my lithium medication), contacts him. She gets my number and he goes on a rant saying that im likely off my meds again, that I get rid of people easily (I told him that I cut off toxic people in my life if they don't improve), and how I want attention (I think we all do, it's a human thing but I like attention from people I like such as friends, family, and potential partners). She takes a snapshot of this and sends it to me. I don't respond and ignore it for months. He tried contacting some of my other friends and when they added him he would go on rants about my "toxic and abusive behaviour". They would ignore him or block him, but I eventually caved a messaged him last Sunday.

I wanted an apology for things he said, and surprisingly never got one. He said I was toxic and manipulative when ai brought up what I had done for him and then said I was gaslighting, which is making things up. I was annoyed but expected it in a way. He then brought up the catfishing and said he was embarrassed for me (I agree with this one). I go off on him and tell him that he shouldn't be one to judge since he would lie so much and preach about honesty. I eventually reward my messages and notice that I could have expressed myself better than bringing up all the past grievances I had with him and I apologized because I made a comment saying that he "could choke on the dick you got syphilis from" and it was rude and uncalled for. He then says that apology is toxic and manipulative and I'm hilarious and the conversation was "unnecessary, unmeaningful, and a waste of my time"-even though he spent 4 hours going back and forth with me. He then tells me to forget he exists and that I should surround myself with good people like he does. Ironically the good people he surrounds himself with don't tell him when he's wrong and support his bad decisions. I'm also sure he doesn't tell them everything about a situation and when we weee taking he would talk bad about them when he was angry with them.

I just wanted to know if I was as toxic as he was and if I'm a narcissist-I need to know to be able to do better.