(This is mostly a vent. I have no one to talk to about this, so I just needed to let it out. It’s a long one)

My friend [18F] and I [also 18F] have been classmates since Grade 11. We graduated from Grade 12 a few months ago. During last summer, we got really close and started hanging out a lot after class.

My parents are strict and usually don’t let me go out, so I was super happy to finally have a friend I could hang out with and be comfortable around. Those times meant a lot to me—like, they were some of the first happy memories I had with a friend.

But then things started feeling off. I realized she might have a crush on me. She kept posting things on Facebook that hinted at it, gave me flowers and gifts, and shared stuff that clearly felt about me (even if she didn’t say it directly). I tried to ignore it, but it just made me feel uncomfortable.

It's not because she's a girl—I’m also attracted to girls (still figuring out if I’m lesbian or bisexual). I just didn’t feel the same way about her. I only saw her as a friend.

The gifts made me uncomfortable—not because I didn’t appreciate them, but because I felt burdened. I always feel like I have to give something back if someone gives me something, especially when it involves money. I’m scared people might think I’m selfish or just taking advantage of them. So, instead of feeling grateful, I felt stressed.

Then she posted a story with a love confession song and a pic of me (blurred, but no idea she had taken a pic of me), without even telling me. That really crossed a line for me. It felt like she didn’t care about my privacy at all. I just wanted peace, and all this started feeling overwhelming. So I made a dumb move—I rejected her, even though she hadn’t confessed yet.

I told her she was an amazing person, but I didn’t feel the same, and that we should stay friends. I didn’t mean to hurt her—I just wanted her to move on and didn’t want her to keep hoping . But after that, she completely ignored me for 6 months. Switched seats, and acted like I didn’t exist, even though we were still in the same class.

It hurt. Like a lot. I really value our friendship. I kept waiting for her to talk to me again, but she never did. Everyone in class knew what was going on, and it was super awkward. They didn't say anything to my face but they acted like I was the bad guy. It felt like everyone was on her side—even my own best friend. I felt like no one cared about how I felt.

Eventually, I talked to my best friend and realized I could’ve handled it better. So I reached out and apologized. She said she’d been waiting for me to talk to her first. We started talking again, and she asked me to give her a chance.

For the next few months, we were in a sort of situationship. I tried to analyze my feelings—I thought I was okay with dating her, but I never truly felt romantic love. I love her deeply as a friend, but not in a romantic way.

There are also some things that don't work for me in a relationship. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. But when I got excited about something, she'd say things like “You're so loud, shut up.” I know she doesn’t mean harm, but it still hurts. She also drinks and smokes, and because of some past trauma with my dad, that stuff really triggers me. I don’t think I have the right to ask her to change, and I wouldn’t want her to. But I know I’d prefer someone who doesn’t do those things from the start because of their own will. In my culture, finding someone who doesn’t smoke or drink is not that easy but also not that difficult.

After thinking a lot, I ended up rejecting her again. I told her I just didn’t feel the same and didn’t want to keep dragging things out or lead her on. It wasn’t fair to either of us. She was hurt, but this time she respected my decision. She always does which I'm really grateful and thankful for.

Right now, we’re still friends and still hang out sometimes. She’s been respecting my boundaries more, but she still flirts a little and sometimes offers to buy me stuff like before. It’s not bad, but it’s still emotionally tiring to ignore all that.

It’s been on my mind constantly. I’m someone who really values my alone time and peace. I don’t like being in situations that emotionally drain me. I’ve got my own stuff going on in life right now, and honestly, I just want to keep my mind off all that emotional stress.

Here are my questions!!

Should I cut ties completely, find new friends, and start fresh (even if that means losing mutual friendships with classmates)?

Or should I continue the friendship with strict boundaries—even though it’s emotionally tiring to constantly dodge subtle flirting and tension?

Am I really in the wrong? Am I the asshole for only caring about my feelings?

PS: I NEVER EVER had the intention to hurt her. I really value our friendship.

If I share my feelings to my friends, they will just say I'm overreacting and selfish. It’s like they expect me to love her back just because she has feelings for me. Even my best friend tries to set us up so that she will get a treat from her.

[Sorry if anything sounds off—English isn’t my first language, so I used ChatGPT to help me out.]

Thanks for reading my post, and I really appreciate every single comment!!!