Hi, this story cuts deep so I made a throw away.

Friday night (it's sunday), my brother wreaked our living room after a fight.

Here is the contexte.

We grew up in a psychologically and physically violent houshold. Our parents never reached out for help to properly deal with their very deep trauma. One of the coping mechanisms was to move around a lot, from city, to courtry, to other continents. We were a wealthy and well put recomposed family (mum, me, step dad, step-brother from a third man) on the outside.

I had the "perfect child" role, and was raised to take care of my brother, and had to carry my mother's trauma (she would share graphic details of what aweful things she went through, I had to be an emotionnal support and not be an inconvinience in any way). I started living by myself at 15, and moved continents at 17 to study (from Asia to Europe, where I grew up until 6 yo), and my parents paid for everything until I was 18.

Leaving the bubble I grew up in and getting away of my mother's toxic grip, I discovered a new world : systemic discrimination, mental health, etc. I did my best to go through life, continued to move around and had my own coping mechanisms. But my mother still had power over me, even from afar, and I did my best to take care of her and what she needed from me.

At 21, in july, my mother tells me she can't take care of my brother anymore, because since I was gone, shit happened with step-dad and he left them in poverty. I had a part tip job but had to make everything possible for him to join me (pay for the trip, moved to a bigger appartement, called schools, buy stuff...), and in october he arrived. He was 11.

The first years were very tough, because even if we are close and have fun and profund times together, and I try my best to learn from the bad parenting, I pursue the violence.

Our mother was still being harmful, but now in a whole new way. Also, she didn't give me the rights to legally take care of my brother. We had to stay low (he could of gone to social services) and counted on my job to live.

With my brother, we would spend quality time together and go out as much as we could, but he faced bulling at school, dealt with his trauma and my very flawed parenting and depression I was going through, and Covid hit.

But even with time and solutions, bullying followed him, and we didn't have many options to make him go experience other spaces (for administrative reasons, I won't go into detail). We don't have a community in our city, it was only the both of us.

So he changed schools, had a gap year, then in september 2024 he tried remote schooling, but even though I tried to follow his learning, I was not available as much as he needed. And after five years in this city he still had no friends, was terrifed to do any activities outsides, etc. Staying alone home was a choice for him to get out of the violence of the outside world, but it isolated him very very much.

Two years ago, we fully cut contact with our mother, reconnected with my biological father (he lives in an other country very far but is supportive, his dad is as toxic as our mum unfortunately, and we've had no contact with our stepdad for years now). I've been going to therapy, learning A LOT about myself, my behavior, the world around me and how to deal with everything thanks to social media. I am not the person I used to be and I'm very greatful to finally to take care of myself and do better.

But on the other hand, with everything he went through, my brother seems to be taking an other route.

Before he turned 18, I told him that he could stay home if he had school or a project he needed to save for, but if not, he would have to get his own job and place to live and discover his own life. It's partly because three of my friends were not encouraged by their parents to leave and at 26yo+ were depressed and anxious, they would spend their days playing video games and not have any futur plans. And I don't have the finances or capacity in me to let him become a hikigomori.

And both of us do our part for him to make it : I give advice on where to go or which professionnal to contact to have proper support, and he's been doing a great job at taking his administrative apointments, having outsides activities, being sociable with random people, etc.

But now, we are in a weird place where he is an adult now, and wants to be treated like one, but isn't autonomus financialy and still needs guidance. Our appartement is not fit for us anymore, and we are both suffocating between our walls.

This friday, we went out for our friend's birthday at a bar. But my brother does what he usually does : eats what's on the shared tray as if he was alone and not passing or asking others while doing it. And I've called him out multiple times on this (in private) and this friend did too. He has issues with social cues, but this time was different. This time, when we were leaving the bar to go to a restaurant, I told him again. He never really apologized the last times but said he understood, and this time said he didn't care about what people thought anymore. I told him if he didn't want to take part in collective common sense it's fine, but he should get his own stuff then. He scuffed and wasn't having it so I asked if he had his own credit card to pay for his own food tonight, because I wasn't paying for him (he never had a job but I gave him money to save and some to spend, and the deal is that until he gets a job I continue paying for him when we go out). So he left, and and went home.

A bit later, I receive a message of how he is tired of everything and hates me and everyone.

When I came back, the livingroom was upside down. He pushed over a shelf full of books and board games, broke a chair in pieces with the table, shatered glass all over the floor...

I knock on his door and opened. He was not hurt, he apologised and we had a calm talk. I stayed with him, then said he wasn't ready to talk yet. The next morning we had a talk, and concluded with consequences : clean the living room, repare the chair (at a place we know) and look to apply for international jobs (on a specialised website) because it's something he would look forward to. During the day he cleans and is in a good mood. In the evening, I sit him down to ask how he feels about this whole situation. And with the conversation (this is the conclusion after 2 hours of talking), he tells me he doesn't feel like wreaking the living room was a bad thing because his reasons were legit, and he doesn't want to make efforts anymorewith other people because he gave enough before. At the moment, he's at home all day and has been priorising what he wants to do and not what he has to do, like chores in common spaces. And now I feel sick and exhausted and don't want to do my best for him anymore.

I think I give up before I realized. I am not very affectionnate, I don't have the energy to be enough with him, I don't feel compassionate enough and I can't fake it. But I'm not able to power through and not listen to how exhausted I am with everything. I want him to leave the house as soon as possible, and everytime we talk, it's always the best solution. He's doing the best for himself, to break chains and be the best version of himself, but I don't want it to be at my expense if he chooses to priorise himself.

AITAH for not wanting to house my brother anymore ? Writing everything made me realise stuff, but I would still need your advice on how can I support him without being the one that explodes next ?