On our ~4th date, me and my now gf of almost a year went out to eat at a nice restaurant, and towards the end the topic of how I had paid for all our previous dates had come up. I remember her saying something along the lines of "oh he's mad he has to pay" (i guess I was making a face when the check came, mostly cause I was still really nervous around her and had to take a massive dump), but in response to her comment, I stated something along the lines of "it's ok you can pay for the next one". Don't remember too much else about the specifics of what was said or done other than that everything seemed in good spirits and the dump I took shortly after was divine.

Now, some context, she was in school, doing some really demanding and tough stuff. She didn't have a job, but i knew that she lived alone. I've always believed in an equal, 50/50 partnership, not necessarily in the sense that each person is expected to contribute equally financially, but in the sense that each person cares, respects, and is willing to work with the other person equally. I.e what I'm trying to say is that if someone can't afford something, can't do something, doesn't want to, etc. I think it's important to come together as a team and figure it out and have a mutual respect for one another.

Anyways, a couple months later, things are starting to get rocky and we start fighting a bunch. At some point, and still to this day, it comes up that she's never had anyone speak to her that way and demand her to pay for something when she is working so hard, doesn't have a job, etc. This also tied in with some insecurities around race, (how her race is seen, and what mine is known for). When this first came up I was hurt because I never realized the effect that this one comment could have, but genuinely, i tried my best to reassure her on multiple occasions that no, I did not have any expectation of her paying, that no I did not expect her to pay because of her race, and yes I can understand how my phrasing of that comment could have been seen as an order or a demand. But really, what I have always tried to get across is that if she didn't want to pay, or couldn't afford to pay, I was always willing to accommodate and did not mean to set any sort of expectations with that comment. And I certainly would have apologized and listened to her if she had found any disrespect with that comment.

We've argued about so many things at this point that this specific thing is trivial, but I just can't help but get over the fact that I feel I was treated poorly as a result of it - and that many of the things that seperate us follow a similar pattern. Even today as we are discussing why our relationship is falling apart she is still saying that I ordered/demanded her to pay on this occasion, and imo is obviously holding onto some sort of displeasure at the whole situation, or at the very least i feel being inconsiderate of me, in the sense of my feelings and thoughts about the incident... AITA?