I (23F) have been best friends with “They” (23F) for 10 years. We’re both Black and lean more blue than red politically. They have a very traumatic past family, relationship, and sexual wise. Ik that their past is traumatic but I don’t know everything only bits and pieces when they feel like sharing or if we get into a disagreement. They’ve been in back-to-back relationships since age 16, and two days after being dumped out of a 3 year relationship that they were engaged, they started dating a 35-year-old man—freshly divorced, with a questionable past. He is on probation and taking behavioral classes for assaulting his ex wife He has a now-covered Nazi tattoo (explained as “just punk rock”) and friends who display Confederate flags (which he said is “heritage”).

They told me early on that the relationship made them feel truly seen and cared for, but I voiced concerns: the age gap, how fast it was moving (they hooked up the first night), and that they were already having unprotected sex based on “trust.” I suggested they visit a clinic and expressed worry that they were diving in without healing.

Later, they told me I’d said things that triggered them—like a joke about them possibly being pregnant (I didn’t know they were scared), and when I said they’re not a rehab center for broken men (which they said brought up shame about past experiences as a SW, which I didn’t know at the time). They said they’ve always put others’ emotions before their own, including mine, which is why they never told me I was hurting them.

But what stung was that they did tell their boyfriend everything I said and told him they were second guessing their relationship because of what I said to them. They told them it was important for me to like the person that they are dating. He apparently said he has “nothing against me” but didn’t like what I did in the moment and would “bite his tongue” going forward. So while they didn’t feel safe being honest with me, their best friend of 10 years, they felt comfortable dissecting me with someone they just started dating.

I told them I never meant to hurt them—it came from care, not judgment. We ended the conversation on a positive note, but I’m still feeling really sad and distant. Am I wrong for feeling upset, betrayed, used and sad.

They said the guy wants to change and be a better person for them and that the guy makes them feel happy and treats them with respect and accepts who they really are and when they put up a boundary they respect it and try to change. They have also admitted they know this person is a walking red flag but thinks they can change and they can help them and sees the good in them. They have also acknowledged that they can’t be alone and have to be with someone which is why they got into another relationship so fast*

This is the part that is getting me