A couple of months back, I was a member of a Pan-African, scientific socialist, New African revolutionary volunteer organization. I (a white AMAB) volunteered with the organization for two years with the farm-to-grocery program, where we grew fresh veggies for our free grocery program. After two years, I was invited by JD, the farm bureau lead, to join their next cadre. A cadre is a political education process where the organization trains people to be leaders and representatives of the group.

After six months of training and an entrance exam, I was initiated as a new farm bureau member. I personally feel like I showed an immense amount of dedication to the organization—I sacrificed a relationship, friendships, and a lot of my mental capacity. I was definitely not the only one; everyone in the organization showed immense fervency and admirable dedication.

After I became a member, I started to notice issues in the organization. Generally, I didn’t feel like there was enough attention on freedom of expression and thought. There was never any debate on core issues or ideology within the organization. I never spoke to these issues, mostly because I didn’t feel like it was my place—not only because I was white in a New African revolutionary group, but more importantly because I was new. I wanted to earn respect and learn more before offering critiques.

I was also struggling in my relationship with JD, my mentor and bureau lead. Over time, they started to be belittling and dismissive towards me. It would be little things, but they were routine: remarks, jests, flat-out ignoring me. It felt like what I call “softcore bullying”—hurtful acts that are small enough to allow for plausible deniability.

To make things worse, around this time I was laid off from my job, which was devastating. I began devoting even more of my time to the organization, volunteering practically full-time. People in the organization were really thoughtful, reaching out with kind words, advice, and even job leads. I was grateful for the community.

JD expressed willingness to help, saying they would be on the lookout if they heard of any job leads. I was reluctant to ask them for help at first, but later messaged them asking if they would be okay with me using them as a reference. They simply responded, “Of course!”

During the next week, I began applying to several jobs using JD as a personal reference and even listing my volunteer experience as work experience where it was applicable. A week later, JD messaged me saying, “Did you use me as a reference?” I was confused because I assumed they had forgotten, and we had just talked about it. I said yes and sent a screenshot of our conversation, responding, “I hope that’s okay; I was under the impression you were fine with it.”

They responded, “I didn’t mean whenever you want lol.” They expressed that I needed to ask them for permission every time before applying to a job using them as a reference. I didn’t know this was expected. Apparently, JD knew the hiring manager at one of the companies I applied to, and when the manager contacted JD about me, JD was caught off guard.

JD insisted I call them immediately because they were "concerned about whether I was qualified for the position." This hurt. JD wasn’t aware of my background—we studied at similar universities, had almost identical degrees, and very similar professional experience. In fact, the job JD currently had was one I also applied for, and I had been one of two final candidates, meaning I could have very well been hired instead of JD. I never told JD this because they never asked about my life, and I didn’t want to seem arrogant.

It hurt because it felt like JD judged my qualifications based solely on their personal perception of me. I initially didn’t respond because I was frustrated and angry. I left them on read and consulted friends and loved ones for advice.

After receiving advice, I wrote JD a long message expressing my feelings. I said that I felt belittled and betrayed by their response; that I had never had to ask a reference for permission every time I used them, so I didn’t know to do that; that I wished they had communicated this condition upfront; and that under the circumstances, I didn’t feel comfortable using them as a reference anymore. I explained that asking for permission every time would be very time-consuming, especially because I was applying to many jobs a week due to financial insecurity.

Admittedly, I said some snarky things, like, “Of course I feel qualified for the job—that’s why I applied and why they contacted you” (this was before I knew JD was friends with the hiring manager). I also said that if anyone contacted them for a reference again, they could say that I show up to work on time, always ready to work, and had demonstrated immense dedication over the years.

JD responded saying they were going to rope Jasmine, the head of admin, into the conversation. I felt optimistic because I thought this meant we would go through conflict resolution, which I believed was needed.

We set up a Zoom call, and right away Jasmine started reprimanding me. In a nutshell, Jasmine said that she read my message and that I was displaying a lot of white entitlement. She said I was out of line for speaking to my superior that way, especially me, a white AMAB, speaking to a Black AFAB superior. She emphasized that JD was one of the first members of the organization, that I had only been there three years, and that I was acting entitled and spoiled. She called me a European (note: I’m not from Europe, nor have I ever been there) and said I needed to learn my place in a New African space.

She stressed that their organization had a known and respected reputation, as did JD, and that I needed to respect them more. She demanded that I apologize to JD but first wanted to give JD the floor.

JD said they didn’t understand where all the aggression came from and that they would have trouble trusting me after this. I felt hurt and defeated—hurting someone I looked up to. I apologized for hurting JD, and explained that my feelings came from feeling belittled.

JD asked why I felt belittled, and I tried to explain using "I" statements and nonviolent communication. Jasmine interjected, saying all she heard was "I this" and "I that" and accused me of being egotistical. I no longer felt safe expressing myself, so I stopped sharing.

Jasmine said this would jeopardize my chances of being on the bureau and that there would be a lot of atoning to do.

Later, I reached out to JD, asking if we could have a conversation in person so I could give a more sincere apology and have a deeper discussion. I acknowledged that this would require emotional labor on their part and said I would be grateful if they were willing. JD responded that they didn’t feel safe having a conversation alone with me.

At that point, I didn’t know how to resolve the conflict. I messaged JD to say that I needed to take a break from the organization to find a new job and reflect deeply on my actions.

It has been several months since the incident. Fortunately, I have found new work. JD reached out once to say they hoped I was doing well and to let me know that I missed the farm bureau exam, so my membership would be temporarily revoked.

I have been really busy, and with my schedule, it’s hard to continue volunteering. I also still have unresolved feelings about the incident.

While I feel bad about hurting JD—because I cared about them as a friend and hate hurting people I care about—a lot of Jasmine's arguments didn’t resonate with me. I never felt that JD owed me a reference. Frankly, I had other references; I asked JD because I respected them and was proud of the work I had done.

I admit some of my comments were emotional and snarky, but mostly I was trying to communicate my feelings, set a boundary, and express that I didn’t appreciate the way they were communicating. I don't understand how setting a boundary is disrespectful. I don't understand why Jasmine insinuated I was being egotistical by expressing my feelings.

Mostly, I’m conflicted about why there wasn’t any real conflict mediation. Even if Jasmine disagreed with me, they could have at least asked me for my perspective. Instead, they read a text exchange and concluded that I was guilty of ignorance without any real conversation.

I may not have been as important or high-ranking as JD, I may be white, I may have been a newer member—but I was a member. Throughout my time at the program memebrs and leads alike would emphasis that everyone had a place in the organization and was equal no matter their background. I would have appreciated being heard. Even when I was asked to explain my perspective, Jasmine dismissed me before really listening.

Am I missing something? Am I the asshole? I'd like to grow from this interaction, but I just don't understand where I went wrong.