i (21f) tried asking out the guy i was talking to (22m) to be boyfriend and girlfriend

(doing this on a burner account cause i really don't use reddit and im pretty new to submitting stuff like this and also sorry if my english is a bit rough lol)

really unsure how to start this but one day i decided to redownload tinder cause i felt like it was a good time for me to start dating again after 2-3 years off being broken up with by a complete weirdo (long and gross story lmao)

after probably a couple days go by with no luck with matching with people and matching with people who barley answer me, i matched with a guy named austin.

at first i didn't know how i felt about him and decided to not answer/text him back too often (yes i was one of those people :/ ) just cause i thought it would be another one of those guys who will only talk to me for 10 minutes then just ignore me or not respond at all.

but it turns out he was different, even in the first 15 minutes of texting each other i decided to share some personal things about myself, how i have huge scars from birth or when i was a kid and how i have vocal cord paralysis so my voice might sound a bit weird to him and how my ex was (again) a total weirdoo who liked getting his dick stroked with feet (pls don't ask why lmfao idk either)

then the next day we started talking on the phone and we talked pretty much for about an hour or 2 and played roblox on the phone together and even facetimed, we shared probably some of the most intimate stuff about ourselves that we normally wouldn't to other people and it felt so right, for me at least.

after maybe 3-5 weeks of talking/texting. i decided to ask if we should start dating. he politely said no and that we should take it slow and at that point i new it was "over" for us but still held onto some hope.

after that, 2-3 days goes by and i can already feel that something has shifted. as each day goes by, him wanting to talk to me kinda weared down. on the fourth day i just knew he didn't want to talk to me anymore, the tone and everything.

then, after that day goes by, me and my mom decided to go to the gym. during that day we kinda didn't talk/text so much. which i kinda didn't care for cause i knew he was at work and i also wanted to kinda lay him off a smudge bit (not sure if that's the right phrase to use)

while i was on the treadmill, i had a gut feeling that something wasn't right, like i did something wrong. so, i asked him if he actually wants to move forward with this relationship and if he actually wants to start dating.

he said no and that he just got off from a relationship of 9(?) years and that he just wasn't ready. i said that i understand that and i asked him why would he lead me on like that for weeks, why couldn't he say something earlier?

i told him that i was so tired of people constantly leading me on and using me as a sex toy and not an actual person that they would want to spend their life with. he said that he already feels bad enough as it is, no need to make it worse

but he made it worse by leading me on???? why couldn't he say that from the very beginning? why did he download and made an account on tinder in the first place??????

and durning the weeks that me and austin were talking, i even told my mom about austin and all about him. after that day, she asked me if im still talking to him. i said no and that i asked him out first and said that he wanted to take it slow he and she said "noo, you shouldn't have done that, why? this is all your fault. if you couldn't have said anything maybe yall would be dating by now"

and turns out she was right, it's all my fault. why did i said something in the first place? i could be with that man right now as of writing this. why?

i don't have any friends, no car, no job and the only friends i have is my best friend lindsey and her fiancée luke who currently live in arizona (i live in texas btw) and a cat named nijntje (miffy in dutch). i already feel bad about myself, especially with that creep i mentioned earlier.

why doesn't anyone take me seriously? am i a big joke to them? am i a sex toy to them? i'm tired of waiting around to find the right one and when i do it fails, miserably.

alexa; play never let this go by paramore

so reddit, am i the asshole for asking a guy out first?