I (23F) have recently got a fibroid diagnosis. It has hit me really hard, causes me some issues with independence, and all came on very suddenly a few weeks ago.

Some backstory: I am originally from the USA, but moved to Europe independently to travel more and ultimately started dating my boyfriend. We’ve known eachother since 2020 (gaming buddies online), and have been dating since a little after my move in 2023. (I was 21)

We are temporarily living in another country, and will soon travel back to his home country early than anticipated for treatment options. We aren’t in his home country very often since we travel almost full time.

My boyfriend (32M) has had trouble throughout our relationship taking me and my needs seriously. I can be really emotional and have some of difficult behaviors due to trauma and PTSD, and while I am very independent he still perceives himself as “a caretaker.” He often thinks I’m dramatic. I think part of this stems from my panic attacks/avoiding things that trigger my traumas, and part of it from the age gap and him “seeing a lot of his younger selves mistakes in me” I don’t want him to be a caretaker, and it’s clearly causing stress on our relationship. I’ve told him many times throughout our relationship that I do not want him to try to fix me, as it is my responsibility.

There has been a lot of issues regarding this, early in our relationship there was a lot of pressure from him to change. Statements like “I’m ashamed of you” in regards to me having difficult times in social situations, pushing me beyond my limits to see his friends and family, or statements like “I can’t deal with you like this forever” and “you’re everything I want except for this (my issues)” these statements used to be something I’d take, but as I’ve grown, I have communicated the pain they’ve caused and told him that healing will happen on my terms. I’ve had a hard life and moved abroad to make up for lost time, but I cannot expect myself to heal quickly. (This is something that’s taken me a long time to accept for myself). A lot of my criticism towards his actions was met abrasively, kind of implying that the problem was me and saying he did not want to “tiptoe around me”. These statements have mostly stopped, and I see genuine growth in him to try to do better and understand how his words effect me, which I am grateful for.

We started living and traveling together full time a little over a year into our relationship, and while things have been better in our communication, things have gotten a lot harder with actions. I am a lot less established than he is, I work as a freelance photographer and make decent money, while he makes significantly more with a more stable job. He has friends and family here, where I only have him. I enjoy my time alone and have no concerns with my small social circle, plus I often talk to my family and friends abroad.

Over time, before and since we’ve moved in together, he has repeatedly put his needs not only above me, but also at my expense sometimes. Some examples being breaking prior promises to see friends instead, or one ridiculous time of ending a day trip I planned that he felt like going with me for because he didn’t see the point in being there, guilt tripping me into coming back with him to see his friends (who I hadn’t even met yet), and when I said no, left me at the freezing train station until he got back hours later. I’m still very upset about that one, despite it being over a year ago, but just to get an idea. There was also a period of time that we were on different travels that I had to practically beg him to just tell me about his day, and to understand that our one sided conversations made it very difficult to maintain a relationship. There have been bigger things, like him making life decisions for us while completely disregarding my input, or him ignoring my travel plans because they don’t make sense to him.

As I’ve grown, I’ve become much more inclined to push back and argue with about things like this, but he’s just so abrasive to any change that a simple ask feels like it takes months. Things have gotten genuinely better over time, but it’s getting tiring and frustrating for me. I feel like things are always centered around him, never me.

I’ll take a moment to say I am by no means perfect. I struggle to communicate well and have been working really hard to place less blame and be less critical of him. I struggle to keep my composure when I’m upset and will sometimes completely break down or spew incomprehensible word vomit. I’ve also made mistakes, I have abandonment issues I’ve worked through during our relationship, still an issue sometimes. I have grown immensely during our time together, his words even. But I am not perfect. You’re hearing my side, but I think this stuff is important to mention.

To present day. I recently got my diagnosis. It’s really scary and stressful for me, especially since a lot of my trauma is medical trauma. The fibroid had a large impact on my independence and mental health. I’ve had to stop working (which is not a problem financially as i have enough saved up to last months. We have split personal finances and shared dual finances.) and do much less around our home. We are set to return to his home country for treatment soon, but he’s already been talking about and scheduling things with his friends.

Today he got an invite to a birthday, only days after we return. I initially had a very emotional response to him simply asking if we can go (it was an unreasonable response. my hormones are crazy right now), and expressed a lot of my issues from our past with being walked on in a pile of tears and a raised voice. I took some space, and eventually came back and said, “just tell them maybe for now just in case you have to cancel.” This led to a conversation where he is saying that his needs matter and that “him going shouldn’t be conditional” and that he thinks I’m going to keep him home “just because I don’t want to be alone”. I keep telling him that it isn’t like that, and I can barely cook and am a passing out risk, and that this is an incredibly stressful time for me and if I do need emotional support, I want him to be there.

I really care about his needs, and I understand that I can be a lot. I’ve told him that handling my emotions isn’t his responsibility, and if he is overwhelmed or doesn’t want to he doesn’t need to.

He’s saying things like “I just feel like you’re going to be upset everytime I want to see my friends” which hasn’t ever been the case. I have gotten upset, but when he’s done things at my expense (like canceling my trip or breaking promises). I’ve tried explaining that this is different than my normal emotional needs, and that temporarily things are different until I get and recover from surgery. I told him that it’s okay if he sees his friends/family, but has to accept that I probably won’t want to go and will also need him home sometimes on a whim. This isn’t even taking into account that he’s planning on spending 40hrs a week at his office (his usual schedule is 20hrs remotely) since “we’ll be there anyway”. But he just keeps talking about how he doesn’t want to be a caretaker and that seeing his friends shouldn’t be conditional. He’s also said that I shouldn’t be upset with him if he just does things and that’s “not how it should be”. I told him that his actions don’t exist in a bubble and that’s they do effect other people. It got heated, I yelled, he told me to fuck off. We’re taking some time.

I know this situation sucks and I know it’s unfair to him. I don’t want to need to be taken care of, but there is nobody else. I feel really burdensome, and I’m upset too. I don’t want to be ill like this, but I am. Am I wrong to expect his support like this? What can I do make things easier on us?