During the summer after my junior year of high school, I met, let's call him Jordan, because that's his name and I have no respect for him. I was with some friends that I felt safe with when we first went to his house. He was just down the road from me. Immediate impression was that he was a creep, and even asked my friend, let's call her Kitty, as I was walking through his front door "he's kind of creepy, right?" To which she said no very confused. Kitty lived (amd still lives) even closer to him so she's known him for a long time. All my friends that i was with were 18 and older and I had just turned 17. My friends had known him since they were young. Jordan at this time was 23 and I thought nothing of it. Entering his house it was a beautiful cabin with wooden spiral stairs that led to his room which had a balcony. I had recently started smoking weed so after that day I'd hang out with him so I could smoke but we actually became good friends, so I thought. I became so comfortable being with him and was at his house enough that his evil ass dog was cool with my presence. Jordan introduced EDM music to me and I hated it at first, then grew to love it. We live about 15 minutes from the Electric Forest music festival that he was a regular attendee. He told me all about it and I was in awe as I grew up on an 80 acre centennial farm. As of now I've gone every year since and am in some close circles of artists and DJs. He introduced me to all different kinds of people and taught me about different party drugs. One night I brought a very good friend to hang out with him with me at night, lets call her Alice. He basically fed us Captain Morgan as we just passed the bottle until it was gone. Alice also smiked weed for the first time this night. I believe, but have little proof, that he was not drinking it and let us get shit faced. We both had never really been drunk. We were good kids, in honors classes and part of the NHS. I graduated as salutatorian because up until senior year i obsessed over school. After my experiences that summer, i completely changed especially with school and didnt take it seriously like i had every year before. I only needed one more credit so it was easy. Im noting this as i believe my Jordan chapter was the turning point with who i entered Senior year as. I think if i never met him i would have learned all the stuff he taught me with time. But he was an adult and didnt consider that he was 6 years older than me. He took advantage of my innocent self who JUST turned 17. I thought he was the coolest person and it made me feel cool being with him and going to trap houses and whatnot. After getting us drunk, we went to the park and he manipulated us (again he's 23 we are 17) to get naked by playing truth or dare. Then he made us play 7 minutes in heaven. We played in a porta potty at my childhood park. My friend went in first which later I found out they had sex. Now, I have very little recognition of my time in there however what I do remember is us kissing, then I remember bursting out of the porta potty screaming for my friend. I was a virgin and had only kissed one guy. Next thing I know is he's on the phone with his best friend, Joe is what I'll call him. He was boasting about having 2 naked girls and proceeded to drive us 20 minutes to pick up his friend. I don't remember much until we stopped at a gas station. I was still naked so I started getting dressed when I noticed blood in my underwear and even questioned it out loud. But that became an after thought once we left and were back at Jordan's house. We decided to hammock in the woods, which I'd never done and was so excited for. Once hammocks were up Joe picked Alice to lay in the hammock with him and I was supposed to be with Jordan in his hammock. I think some part of me must have known because I was so scared to get in the hammock with him that I ended up running out of the woods and laid in the middle of the road. I was hoping for attention i guess. Someone pulled over as they approached me and called the cops. I was begging them not to. The cops come and I took a breathalyzer and was wayyy over legal limit. Luckily they drove me home and talked to my dad.

I continued hanging out with Jordan as normal and started bringing Alice around more and they started seeing each other. Again she's a child and he's a seasoned young adult. This was only within a couple weeks. Alice and I went to the beach and were deep in the water when we somehow brought up that night. I suddenly remembered the weirdness of that night. I made Alice message Jordan and find out what actually happened when him and I were in the porta potty. My ONLY recollection, even now, was him kissing me and I didn't want it and bursting out of there screaming "ALICE ALICE WHERE THE FUCK IS ALICE" He knew what he did. They were messaging back and forth and when she asked about what happened he didn't message it. He knew damn well not to leave a footprint. He CALLED her and said "yeah, I fingered her." And I can still remember that feeling that overcame me. I was in denial but evidence pointed to him touching me that night. I had never been touched and had blood (wasn't on my period) in my undies and something made me get scared and run out of that porta potty. But Jordan was my friend. And at the time I'd never met someone so cool and different. I talked to him about it and he said I put his hand down there. Still in denial I said "did i really?" And shame fell over me. After some self reflection I became certain that I would never have let it get that far or even instigate anything sexual. I was very inexperienced and modest. No part of me would choose to do that, especially with Jordan. I talked to my friends about it. Kitty was also in denial of him being creepy as he groomed her at a young age. When she was 14, which puts Jordan at 19, her and her other friends, also 14, went skinny dipping. He had taken the girls clothes and hid them and wouldn't tell anyone where they were. It only then clicked and I reminded her that I said he was creepy when I first met him. Kitty and I would visit our friend's mom often and after talking to her and her husband, they told me I was taken advantage of and to go to the cops. It took time for me to admit to myself what had happened. No part of me could go to the cops. I continued hanging out with Jordan as normal.

Fast forward I was with my absolute best friend, Kara, who was basically connected at my hip, and she wanted cigarettes. We were both 17 and both virgins. Now I had already told her what happened. However Jordan was the only person above 18 I knew. I would do anything for her, our friendship was perfect. He got her cigarettes and we hung out that night. Well her and him hit it off. She would leave my house to see him and lie to her parents about where she was. He convinced her that I made everything up. Our friendship fell apart, but I was still worried about her and told her parents where to find her. Which they did. They dated for 3 years. During that time when I'd go to EDM shows and festivals I was on the edge scared of him being there. I even saw him and Kara at Electric Forest. I was living in fear. Kara and I even reconnected and I hung out with them BOTH. Then she left him and told me she was so sorry and she saw who he really was. About a year later he died. And I felt such a weight lifted off me and felt genuine happiness for his death. I celebrated it and felt absolutely no remorse. I was joyful.

So Am I the Asshole for feeling absolute glee and relief at another humans death? Regardless of what they did? Am I a bad person? Some part of me should feel bad, especially because of his parents. But no. I'm happy he died. Is that fucked up?