About a year ago I (21m) went through a pretty nasty breakup. The breakup itself wasn’t the especially nasty part, but the relationship really messed me up and still has negative effects on my mental health today. I managed to choke it back pretty well, got a therapist etc. the problem arises in that I met someone else. She’d been a friend of mine for a while at that point, and I’d actually limited my contact with her as a result of my relationship with the ex. Well, that was fine and dandy until I wound up catching feelings for said friend. Only after I caught feelings did I learn that she was dating someone else.

A few weeks go by and eventually I tell my friend, referred to as Anna from here on out. Anna was very calm about it, I made it clear I didn’t want to hinder her existing relationship at all and if she wanted me to disappear from her life, I would, simple as that. She assured me that wasn’t necessary, that she respected my decision to tell her and that it was a mature thing to do. So, I spent a lot of time worried that I was always being an annoyance to her or or her boyfriend at the time, until last October, they broke up over some pretty serious issues I won’t get into unless necessary.

Long story short, Anna started leaning on her friends a lot - understandably so. That included me. And so suddenly she starts planning all of these date-like activities, painting, baking, even a whole night out that involved dinner and an orchestra. So, in December, my nerves were completely shot after trying to navigate having feelings for someone who’d just gone through a breakup and all of the emotional cartwheeling that comes with not wanting to cause problems. But I broke down, completely, and finally sat her down and asked her if what she was doing was romantic or purely platonic. Regardless of the answer I would’ve been fine, and I made it clear that if she said it was platonic and had no interest in me, that was perfectly fine.

Anna starts off by saying “I think we both know something between us wouldn’t work out.” Which, of course, isn’t true, because I did really like this girl. And so I kind of just accepted it and braced myself for a few weeks of getting over it and figured that’d be that. But when she asked for clarification about what she was doing, she started admitting that she’d had romantic thoughts about me, and this all culminated in the statement “you’re not imagining it.”

I imagine it goes without saying that I was REALLY confused at this point, and I finally just dug my foot in and said “ok, so do you see something working out between us in the future or not?” And Anna’s reply was that she couldn’t give a yes or no at that time in December. I said that was fine and that we could address this at a later date, whether she wake up the next day with her mind made up or towards the end of spring of what was to become this year, roughly around March. She agreed, and we kind of just started telling jokes and laughing together, and that was it.

The entire winter break in the college semester goes by without a word spoken on this. About halfway through January, we’re having one of our lunch hangouts, and she drops on me that her friends set her up on a blind date two days prior and that she really hit it off with the guy. So now I’m entirely devastated, my nerves are completely frayed, and on the verge of a panic attack. So I asked her, if that was her trying to tell me to move on. She said “I think so,” and we got into a discussion about why she wouldn’t want to give a relationship between me and her a chance. It really boiled down into “you’re such a good friend that if I were to lose you as a friend and a partner, it would crush me,” which I know is a thing people say to avoid the harsh truth, but it didn’t really hurt any less. Our conversation got interrupted, and we had to pause. I asked if we could continue later, she said yes, and left it there.

Well, later that night comes around and she asks for time to think to herself “because I said a lot.” Naturally I was like “sure, whatever. Makes sense.” Well, another two days go by and she doesn’t mention a word, not even while we were at the aforementioned dinner/orchestra date. And so I broke down again, and asked her what THAT meant and what I should expect. I could tell I made her angry right then, and we parted for the night in a friendly manner but I knew I’d soured the mood with that one. But she just said “I needed to think alone.”

Another couple of days pass, we’re hanging out again. I’ve asked friends for advice and what I should do, how I should cope with this, and one of them started off by saying that I forced her to make decisions before she was ready. That broke me entirely, as the entire time my goal was to try to respect her boundaries while also allowing myself some grace and respect for someone who was giving me very mixed signals. I bought it hook, line, and sinker: I went to Anna in tears begging for her to forgive me, that I hadn’t intended to force her into a decision and that if I’d known what I was doing, I would’ve stopped. She assured me she understood, but I was starting to frustrate her and that she was preparing to have to tell me to stop (she’d promised she would tell me if I was ever an annoyance before).

And that’s the last we’ve spoken of it. I’ve since been to therapy and used online resources trying to cope with this, because it’s entirely broken me. She’s moved on to someone else entirely, which happened the week following our ordeal, and I’ve had to learn through osmosis that this new guy is already ring shopping. She’s continuing on as if nothing happened while I have to pick up the pieces. What’s more, is that apparently she’s told other people and friends of mine that I was being annoying about it and don’t drop it - allegedly she told me “no” from the beginning and I didn’t accept it, but I don’t feel like that’s the case. I’m left with two possibilities: I am so emotionally illiterate that I can’t realize rejection, or she’s lying.

It’s a lot, and it’s all convoluted. But I’d really love an outsider perspective and an AITAH verdict. If someone’s feeling particularly chatty, advice on how to handle the friendship moving forward would be much appreciated, because I know if I cut ties it’s going to make me look even worse, like I tried to jump in as her friend just to get a date out of her.