TL;DR: My girlfriend (28F) told me she was going to take care of a drunk male friend and sleep on his couch. A couple hours later, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I drove by—didn’t see her car there. Eventually I found it at her own apartment. I went up and she came out of her bedroom wearing a robe I’d never seen before. She didn’t explain, didn’t deny, didn’t follow me. I ended it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. Was I wrong?

My (ex)gf (28F) and I (32M) just celebrated our one-year anniversary, and I was really happy in our relationship. I’ve always completely trusted her when she went out or did her own thing. The only time I started to feel suspicious was a few months ago, when our sex life basically disappeared—and more recently, when she started not coming home.

Then last night, she went out to teach a dance class and let me know she was going out for dinner with some friends from class. I wished her well and told her I hoped she had a fun night out. I eventually passed out, but woke up around 2AM and checked my phone. That’s when I saw this message:

“Slight unexpected development on my side 😅 [friend’s name] is very drunk (like not fun drunk but about-to-throw-up drunk) so I’m going to drive him home and hang out on his couch for a bit to make sure he’s okay… I hope that’s alright. He just really doesn’t look good and I don’t feel good leaving him alone like this. I’ll text you with developments”

It just felt… off. My gut reaction was that something didn’t sit right. I wasn’t worried about that friend, but I texted her back to say I hoped he was okay. Still, something wouldn’t let go. I decided to trust but verify. I was awake anyway—figured I’d take a drive and just check.

Unfortunately, her car wasn’t there. It wasn’t what I was expected, but I thought that there still must be an explanation. I noticed that her friend’s car was there, though. It made me wonder, where is her car?

This is when I think I maybe started to over react. She still has her own apartment. I started thinking, “why does she still even have a seperate apartment? When I bring it up, she gets quiet and changes the subject and I don’t want to be pushy”. She is never there. She is always at my place. She’s at her place so infrequently that the power company cut the power and she never got it working again.

So I drove to her place. Her car was in her usual spot. Her ex’s old spot was taken by a car I didn’t recognize. I went upstairs. Her door was unlocked. There was an open bottle of wine on the table and candlelight coming from her bathroom.

I had a sinking feeling she was there. I turned around, locked the door, and left. My mind was unraveling. Why wouldn’t she come back to my place if she was finished helping her friend? Why was her car there? Did she get rid of that extra spot and not tell me? My mind was racing.

By the time I got home, I was in full panic mode. I started packing her stuff, but eventually a calmed down. Okay, I thought to myself, maybe she isn’t there. This is crazy, I should just go check. And If I’m right I can stop worrying.

Well I got to her place and while I was walking to her bedroom she came out, wearing a robe I’d never seen before, looking surprised and barely covered like she’d just thrown it on.

She just said:

“What are you doing here?”

All I could manage was:

“This isn’t your friend’s couch… goodbye.”

And I left. She didn’t try to explain, didn’t come after me, didn’t call or text. Nothing.

⸻

The aftermath: On my way home I finally texted her:

“Do you want to try to explain? Actually, it doesn’t matter. Your stuff is packed at my place. You can come get it whenever. Please leave your key in the mailbox.”

She replied:

“Okay, if that’s how you want to do this, I’ll be there around 6:30am. If that’s too early, I can come at 9am.”

I said:

“I don’t want to do any of this, but I have no choice. 6:30 is fine.”

Later, I told her how hurt I was. She said:

“I am sorry my actions hurt you but you made it very clear that you didn’t want to talk about it and that’s something both of us will have to live with. We did not have to end like this; and for that, I’m truly, sincerely, and deeply sorry.”

I told her that felt like deflection—not an apology for cheating. Eventually she said:

“I am truly sorry for cheating (if not physically then emotionally). I completely understand that it is unforgivable from your perspective.”

She’s also said “there’s more to the story” but hasn’t told me what it is. I’ve even asked directly, and she just kind of avoids it.

⸻

Some extra context: • She never sleeps naked, and said she has OCD about stuff like that. • We hadn’t been having much sex for months. She said she gets too cold in the winter and her body “shuts down.” I believed her. • I’ve never accused her of cheating before and have always been faithful. • She lies to her family overseas about big things (they think she’s in a PhD program). Which isn’t related but it does show that she is comfortable hiding big parts of her life. • She didn’t say “I didn’t cheat.” She didn’t explain anything. • If she had really finished taking care of her friend, why didn’t she come home to me like she always does?

⸻

So now I’m stuck wondering: Did I catch her in the act, or did I spiral off a bad gut feeling and ruin something that could’ve been salvaged? If she didn’t cheat, why didn’t she just say so clearly? Why didn’t she fight for us? Why let it all go so quietly?

I loved her. I thought we had something real. But now, I don’t know what’s real at all.

Please tell me. Am I the asshole?