I would just like to start off by making a disclaimer that this thread discusses VERY sensitive issues regarding misogyny, sexual abuse, racism etc

This is going to be a bit of a unique AITAH post since instead of talking about a situation where I hurt someone else in this case I was the victim of my own actions.
The story starts back when I was in my teenage years and I was dealing with crippling depression, ADHD(still am), loneliness and a few social and cognitive issues that was caused by my extreme isolation. It was by far one of the darkest and loneliest times of my life and I still haven't fully recovered from it and the consequences of that period are still manifesting themselves now through the fact that I still struggle to build connections and relationships. As well as guilt.

In that period of my life I regularly frequented online spaces like discord, rarely leaving my house. I had also fully let myself go by not brushing my teeth, showering or leaving my room. I filled the hole left by my loneliness by finding other socially isolated and mentally unstable people on the internet who were the only people I felt like I could relate to. This isolation paired with having online friends who weren't the best role model developed into me gaining abnormal personality traits and humour that further isolated me from the real outside world. It was the worst environment ever and I had joined online incel groups who would regularly joke and make light of some of the most horrid things you could imagine. Think rape, murder pedophilia, racism, nazism(I'm not racist I'm black even but just was trying to fit in to online groups out of a desperate desire to feel included) and the like. It was all a joke for me and in light of the loneliness, demoralisation, blunting from feelings of morality or hope. Like no one in the world cared about me it all seemed acceptable under some vague guise of humour. That environment had also increased any social issues I may have had and plunged me deeper into the pit of despair and loneliness.

This was in my past I was later in life able to develop some real life relationships and spoke to women and children in the real world through joining clubs and getting a job. Through the real life connections and relationships. Then one day I had this overwhelming feeling of being reborn and revitalised. As if I had gained by my humanity and the morality was put back in me that was lost from feeling alienated. It felt like I had been drowning my whole life and I was finally rescued only to turn back and realise that the swimming pool I had thought I was drowning in was in fact an entire ocean. Immediately following this, thoughts of all the things I had said with my old online friends flooded my mind and my entire body was overcome with a sense of disgust to the point where even just being in my own skin felt like I was bathing in an ocean of dirt and shit. I finally got perspective on all the things I said The gravity and vileness of it was finally obvious to me and a sense of grief overcame me and I almost passed out. I don't know how or why talking to people and building relationships made me feel this way but it did and it made me realise the gravity of the jokes and things I spoke about. I felt as though I had let the all the people in my life down. The women I talk to, my sisters, little brother and worst of all my mother.

I could even look at some women in the eye because I had already let them down in my mind. Some of the jokes went way past dark humour and were inexcusable to make and usually written during times of manic frenzy where I would crash out and become almost schizo. I saw myself as a liar and all the time I spent helping people and trying to be a better person in my community as a lie and façade since deep inside I was the worst of the worst human who deserves to die and thrown into a garbage dump without a proper burial and just forgotten about.

I don't know what I hope to get out of this thread. A part of it is a confession for the psychological benefit of carrying this huge weight on my shoulders, another is finding out if I can be redeemed. This is something that i will carry for the rest of my life. I don't think I will EVER be able to forgive myself especially after being more aware of the issues women face and the fact that it was people like me they warn each other about. I saw myself as no different than actual criminals and could finally see things from their side and the genuine fear and concern they have over issues like this.

I've since gotten therapy and still working on being a better person and have given up on some personal career paths I original wanted to get into in order to work in social spaces and helping other young people who have been through the things I have been through. So if I wasn't given support I could be the person I needed when I was younger but for other people. I still feel like I'm a liar and am evil deep inside and every thanks, sign of respect or admiration for my "goodness" I get there is still feelings of being an imposter and not truly loving people.