Please read, the title is a bit provocative.

> Prologue

About 6 years ago, I met my girlfriend during a student exchange. We both came from different continents. In the beginning, I was seeing multiple people casually, including her. She seemed more emotionally invested early on, but I wasn't aware of the depth until much later.

We first met on a group trip. I later learned she had been loosely involved with someone else in that group at the time - I didn't know, and we kissed consensually. This created tension with her social circle, and she ended up distancing from them.

During the exchange, she was the only one I took trips with regularly. I wasn't hiding that I was also seeing other people, but I wasn't exactly volunteering the details either. After our first trip, I brought up something that had bothered me - I calmly told her over text that I felt she had acted entitled and dismissive toward service staff and me. She didn't take it well. Her response came in long, emotional messages, defending herself, denying my perspective, and eventually calling her friend in tears. After some back and forth, she blocked me.

Some time later, I reached out again and we reconnected. Things became warm again between us. She had begun planning to stay in a country close to mine for an internship. We agreed to go on another trip together, and I booked it - only expensive options were left.

Shortly after booking, she noticed I still had Tinder on my phone and asked about it. I told her the truth - I had still been seeing other people casually. She was upset and told me very clearly she didn't want a friends-with-benefits situation. She launched into a long emotional message about how she always compromises and does things for me, even things she doesn't like, and how I wasn't affectionate enough with her. A mutual friend told her more details about my doings so she kinda knew everything about it.

This and other smaller tensions led to frequent emotional conflicts. I started distancing myself emotionally, but she kept reaching out. Eventually, we took the recently booked trip toger, even though she wanted to bail out sometimes - this time I told her I would stop sleeping with other women. But I didn't follow through on that, which she didn't know until later.

Around this time, our emotional dynamic really shifted. She was often moody, very sensitive to anything I said that could be misinterpreted. If I said no to something or offered even mild criticism, it would lead to long arguments with layered accusations. She said she was used to being valued and only asked for things she herself would do. It was around this period that a pattern began: her accusing me of emotional neglect or selfishness in bursts of short, intense messages. These weren't about cheating - just about how I spoke to her, what I did or didn't do, and how I made her feel. It began a long stretch of emotional tension that never really left.

So I was hanging out with other people, sleeping with some of them, during these times and a common friend told her about it and she got (rightfully?) upset. She threatened to not go on the trip, but to save face she would have to go anyway because she told everyone about it. We agreed that I would stop sleeping with other people. And well after the trip I didn't.

During the trip this was of course a topic an things escalated again. We left the place separately but she reached out again. Together with academic stress and other anxiety she fell into depression. She engaged in self harm, sent pictures of it to a common friend who forwarded them to me and called the campus emergency medical serivce. When i reached out again, she first started with angry messages how i don't care at all and then went into "guess i'm not worth anything" mode. We kept talking normally over the next days again, she kept persuing me, I was cold but still joined her. I suggested we break up, she felt really down and emotional, but we kinda stayed together, but not intimately.

I later went on a trip with another group of women, including someone I had previously slept with but now considered a friend. This reignited her fears. She sent me emotional messages - apologizing for loving me, blaming herself, and pleading to stay connected, even just as friends.

Her mental health declined further, and she was prescribed antidepressants. During this time, we were still seeing each other regularly. She was emotionally raw, often expressing desire for intimacy while I remained shut down and continued seeing other people. We stayed in touch until the exchange ended, but the dynamic had already taken a heavy toll on both of us.

> Back at home

We continued talking. She got an internship in a neighboring country and began visiting me in my city. We also traveled together to other places, and I eventually visited her in her hometown on another continent. During one of these visits, we had a major fight - she wanted me to call her my girlfriend, and I was still hesitant. I told her I was unsure and wanted to take things slowly, but she was already making bigger plans. She talked about moving to my country, living together, and building a future.

Although I still had doubts and emotional distance, I agreed to see where it might lead. Eventually, she booked her flights and applied to a university in my city. Her commitment was clear. Mine was cautious, but I let things move forward.

IATAH moment: Several months later - about a year after the exchange - she asked me directly again about the early phase of our relationship. I voluntarily told her everything: that I had continued sleeping with other people even after saying I wouldn't. While I had stopped seeing anyone else after the exchange ended, this admission devastated her. To her, changing plans was too late now and she wanted to make it work anyway.

What hurt her just as much was that I was still casually connected to some of these women on social media. I wasn't actively talking to them, but I hadn't immediately cut ties either. We argued about it for days before I agreed to remove them. Earlier that year, I had also left a heart emoji under one of their photos, which she later discovered. She combed through their profiles and eventually changed her own profile picture to match one of the women I had interacted with.

> Moving in together

Over half a year later, she finally moved in. From the beginning, our arguments about the cheating resurfaced almost daily - often late into the night. At first, I was defensive. I tried to argue that we had "micro-broken up" so often during the early months that it shouldn't fully count. But not long after, I admitted it was wrong. Still, to this day, she brings up the fact that I didn't apologize right away or delete those contacts immediately - as if any of that could still be changed. No matter how much time had passed, those early decisions continued to define every conflict.

> Endgame

From that point on, almost every disagreement - even about unrelated topics - eventually circled back to the cheating. If I asked her to stop doing something or voiced a concern to something unrelated, the argument would often last hours and end with me being prompted to apologize again for what I did years ago. This pattern is still active to this day. I've come to feel that I can't express frustration or ask for change without it being dismissed because, in her view, I'm the one who caused everything.

Last year, I initiated counseling for us. I even brought several pages of notes to try to communicate more clearly. One of her opening lines in the session was, "He used to make me coffee every day, and now he doesn't do that anymore," which immediately put me into a defensive position - not discussing the deeper issues, but justifying minor daily actions. Afterwards she forced me (i said no multiple times) to mention every point to her, but she twisted most things (to me).

For the last 2–3 years, she had been looking forward to a proposal. I told her many times that I wasn't ready and didn't feel confident about taking that step, but sometimes I was vague or noncommittal because I didn't want to start another fight. I was deeply unsure - we hadn't resolved the past, and I felt trapped in a cycle where she blamed all her destructive behavior on me. But to her, the proposal became a symbol of justice or closure - something she deserved based on my mistakes. I wasn't leading her on, I was clearly telling her that I don't want to do it and she should go.

She insisted on going on frequent trips, and each time, I sensed she expected a proposal. When it didn't happen, her disappointment often turned into rage. On one trip, after a day of trying to talk through everything and apologizing again and again, she became furious late at night. She shouted at me for hours, pulled away my blanket, and told me to leave the hotel at midnight. I quietly packed up and left the next morning, blocking her for the remainder of the trip.

There are some fights that regularly come up too and have to be unpacked every time over many hours from the beggining to the end, having me apologize for everything or I cannot exit the conversation. She would follow me at home, keep me awake by turning on the light in the bedroom, flood my phone when i go outside. I will post them in a comment.

Ultimately, I do think I've grown a lot in this relationship - and haven't repeated past mistakes. But her justification for most of her anger now is that I still haven't "committed" in the right way: through a proposal, buying property, or making bigger future plans. I feel like I'm being guilted into taking those steps, hoping it will finally put the past to rest - but that feels like a huge gamble I'm not willing to take. We've talked through every detail over and over. There are rarely new issues (that i cause?), just old ones on repeat. And yet, nothing ever really feels resolved. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking forgiveness should come before commitment - at least the kind she wants. But it hurts.