Fuck it, I'm drinking tonight and my minds runnin wild. Am I the asshole here? I can't help but envy half the people I see complain about whatever problem their having, I can't help but think "I would trade you in a heart beat." I feel I am a broken man. At 25 I was asked to chose between trying to save my son with low chances of success and high chances that he and my wife would die, or save my wife with her having a high chance of living and him being doomed to death and I made my choice and my wife lived and he died and that decision haunts me. That was 2 days before christmas.

Then during COVID my father got REALLY sick, I took him to a hospital where he was denied treatment because he refused the vaccine, and then got worse, ended up intubated, and ultimately I was told that they could keep him "alive" indefinitely with machines or or they could "pull the plug." I was his power of attorney and executor. His will was VERY clear that if he ever reached a point that machines were the only way he could live he wanted to die with grace. I made the call in front of my grandmother (his mother) and my brother ending his life. I followed his desires but it haunts me.

Here I am at 40 broken, hurt, all that jazz and I see all these people complaining and part of me despises them, envies them, and wishes I could think that the worst thing in the world was someone didn't accept me, or like me, or think like I thought, then another part of me thinks I'm a piece of shit for even thinking that about people who simply don't "get it." People who never had to make life and death decisions, people who never had to live with "what ifs," people who truly just don't understand.

I guess I just need to know, am I the asshole for being angry at people who think their "petty" bullshit is worth complaining about when I sit feeling alone, broken and lost after giving the command to end the lives of my son and father? Am I just some jaded asshole? I don't want to be pissed off at them about this shit because I know they don't know the pain I know, that to them that is the worst pain in the world, but I can't help but wish I could be so fucking lucky because the scars to my soul that I know will never heal. So please, be BRUTALLY honest, am I an asshole?