TW: DEPRESSION AND ED

I (18f) have been a terrible daughter to my father for quite a while. I often shout, insult him and have emotional outbursts. I cannot control it anymore.

I become unrecognizable once I enter my home. I don't wish to speak to anybody and I don't want to be perceived. I'm highly irritable and snap constantly. My language becomes vulgar and my words blunt.

Predictably, it didn't come out of nowhere. To give an overview of my general situation:

My parents split when I was young and I started to live with my mother. The breakup in itself didn't really bother me, as I got to see my father one weekend every two weeks. However, thinking about it, he spent most of his time working and I usually stayed in my room.

During covid (I was around 14) my father got sick and risked his life. At this point in time we didn't interact much. I had to stay at my mother's house (because of covid) and he was often hospitalized.

My mother didn't wish for me to get vaccinated, yet I did it anyway with my father's consent. My mother was furious and basically kicked me out, sending me to my father. A few weeks later, my long distance best friend decided to leave me. I was emotionally dependent on her, which made it all worse. As you can imagine, I fell into depression.

Nobody was actually supervising me, as my father was recovering and both my older brother and uncle had other matters to pay attention to. I started to skip meals and eventually developed an ed.

I believe it all started around here. My father didn't understand why I couldn't get out of bed anymore. He didn't understand why I had become more aloof or why I couldn't go to school. I couldn't talk to him about it and as much as I hoped he would understand me, he never did. I also began to feel pretty uncomfortable around him, even though, I'm not sure I fully understand the reason behind it. I wonder if he simply wasn't present enough during my development.

Once my ed and depression got worse, our relationship pretty much crumbled.

He triggered me constantly and reminded me how much I was eating during my binges. I tried to tell him I couldn't control it, yet it never stopped him from making upsetting remarks.

I asked him to hide or move certain foods to help me, however he would just say I'd find them anyway. I would ask him repeatedly not to show me the junk food he bought, but he did it regardless.

I asked him not to comment on my food choices when I was making an effort to eat healthier. That didn't stop him. At times, when I got mad, he would even laugh in my face in a taunting way.

To this day (I'm pretty far in my ed recovery) I don't dine with him in the room. At times, he asks me if I want to eat with him, yet I just refuse.

He did make some attempts to fix our relationship, such as asking me how my day went, yet I admit I pushed him away. I was so resentful, even spending time in the same room was irritating.

He was also the kind of father to never pick me up, regardless of how late it was. I didn't think it was that weird, until my friends pointed it out. He never apologized for anything and often highlighted how he thought I was lazy and my explanations were nothing but excuses. He never listened to me and as a result, made me have innumerable breakdowns.

Argument after argument, I became a monster. Outside of my home I'm told people see me as a kind, patient and calm individual. When I'm in my own house, I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't wish to paint him as a total villain. It's my fault as well. I'm aware of the fact that I'm terrible to him.

As I don't really speak about my side of the story (or my mental issues) with my other family members, they think I'm incredibly mean for no reason.

Recently, I tried to make a change for the better. I tried to be kinder to him and to suppress my anger. I even tried to improve my general lifestyle.

A week ago, before going out, I called him a cretin after a short interaction and he snapped for good. He slapped me across the face and left a red mark on my cheek. We began to argue, I was agitated enough to almost reach for the counter knife.

Once he said to me that he had the right to, as my father, I told him what I held back and repressed for ages: you are nobody and haven't acted like a father in years.

Despite that, I had to hurry for an appointment. When I tried to leave the kitchen, he blocked my way, which alarmed me even more.

I got out of my house, telling him I would hate him for eternity and that I was actually trying to be nicer to him. I closed the door behind me and had a crying fit that I tried to suppress the best I could.

A few hours later I reluctantly stopped in front of the door, before entering the house. I happened to hear my father and older brother speaking about what happened. He wasn't remorseful and my brother defined my reaction as "typical woman behavior". Once I got in, I got teased by him.

My mother called me a few minutes later (we managed to gradually rebuild our relationship, however, for financial reasons, she had to go live with her boyfriend).

She heard of the news and sided with my father. As she's not the most careful with her words, she triggered me and even reprimanded me once I closed the call (if my feelings get too intense, I cannot bring myself to speak anymore). Predictably, I had an immense breakdown.

I feel like everytime something happens between my father and I, he goes to whine to my mother.

Needless to say, the last days have been hell. I feel like the relationship I had rebuilt my mother has been tainted. My mental health got way worse.

Today I got into another argument with my father. I feel guilty, yet everything fell apart for something he did. Again.

Doubt never leaves me. Is it all my fault? Am I the asshole?

Thank you for reading