I am a 28F and my boyfriend is a 30M. The other night we were about to be intimate when I just wasn't into it anymore and I guess it was kind of obvious. I didn't stop him or anything because I wanted to "push through" since it had been about 2-3 weeks since we'd been intimate and I alluded to it happening that evening when I mentioned that my period had ended. I was basically taking one for the team, but it all felt wrong. The kissing, the touching, all of it felt repulsive and although I was participating, my body was telling how I really felt. My boyfriend stops and asks what's going on and I try to brush it off (which he now says was gaslighting) by saying nothing, I'm fine. And when he pressed and basically called me out, I did get defensive. For context, I was raped when I was 12 in my home country and although he knows I was assaulted, we've never actually talked about it or any feelings about it. I cannot bring myself to even say it out loud. It's something I've buried and I just push through and go on with life because I carry so much shame about it. Some days I'm fine and some days are hard but this is the first time it's been this obvious. He's currently so mad at me for "gaslighting" him and making him feel like shit and I've apologized for deflecting in the moment. I know I did it because I didn't want to make it a thing and talk about it so I tried to just play it off. I guess I'm just confused because I apologized and I acknowledged that my reaction hurt him, but he feels like I should be trying harder to be forgiven. I don't understand because I feel like he should be more empathetic and maybe loving/sensitive considering how traumatic of a thing it was for me. He says I should've used emotional intelligence in the moment to handle the situation better, but he's the same person who, in previous situations where he was the person acting emotionally, said that the person who's level headed has to mediate because the person who's emotional can't be expected to act rationally. I understand that it was hurtful but don't I get some grace due to the circumstances? Especially since I did acknowledge it and apologize? AITAH