Me (29m) have been with my partner (28F) for 9 years which we met during a student night out. Now during our relationship, I dropped out of uni and went to work and at the time was earning good money (24k) whilst living at home. 3 years in we decide to buy a house, which i saved 15k and GF saved 6k working small shifts at a takeaway, and saving some of the uni money. During the 3 years, we went on holidays, dates, traveling which I paid every bill (as GF had no spare money, saving what she could for the house). When we purchased the house, we went half's of the deposit and I paid for the redecoration, furniture and everything else - when it came to bills I paid the majority as I earnt the main amount of money.

Fast forward 6 months GF was pregnant and then we had our first child. During COVID. Which set everything back, before our first child, she worked full time, and when the maternity ended (1year) GF went back to work part time as money was tight.

We soon then had a second child (18months apart) which then was a reality check as during the first maternity leave it was covid, the weather was good, life was easy for GF whilst I worked, helped with nights, mornings, cleaning,cooking - i am a super active dad and love spending every second I can with my children. But when the second came, maternity was hard (PTSD) I believe she had. But I kept supporting and working, and at this time I was changing jobs, I was earning more money and always put money into the joint shared account as we are equals in our roles.

When maternity ended, she did not want to go back to work, and stay at home with the kids ( I completely disagreed, we could barely afford it and believed it would be better for the children a few times a week at nursery)

The main reason for working and nursery was the fact of - not much learning, teaching and cleaning was going on, I was having to do everything and work - when questioned with doing more it was always (i have no time it's so busy) - I would totally agree if things were half done, however whilst GF was staying at home with the children, supposed to be caring for them, GF phone activity ranged from 5-7 hours per day on Facebook and instagram.

So I doubled down and refused to allow GF to be a stay at home mom unless she was willing to sacrifice the money she was spending (nice car, several animals including food, insurance, hair dyed every 6 months and other luxuries) she refused and went back to work part time.

Fast forward to now

I earn an ok amount of money for this day which exceeds the norm.

Let's say the earning split is 80/20%

Recently there has been more spend by GF and me - paying for horseriding lessons for the kids and GF, activities and days out whilst I'm working and just increasing spends.

We recently lent £40 to GF sister which i accepted but questioned the intent of the sister and said if she asks again, without evidence of need for rent I will not lend anything (if she needs genuine help, I will pay without lending)

Well 2 weeks into last month my GF said we have no money for food ( I pay everything but food and nursery bill which totals to £900avg) Gf earns 1200/m

I brushed it off and paid the difference but did have questions in my mind and asked if she had been lending money again and she said no. But then saw payments out the joint account which I queried, and turns out she has been lending money to her sister behind my back and that her parents have too and she's been using it for drink and the parents have told GF to not lend any more to Gf Sister.

ATAH for wanting to be put on all of our savings accounts as a joint so I can see where our money is being saved? Also saying it is time for GF to get a full time job as she seems to want to spend our money on things which arent for our family without consulting me? Also saying if she wants to do that she goes 50/50 on the bills - I want children in FT nursery (f age 4.5, f age 2.5)