Why am I (28f) always a retard when I don’t respond to my husbands (33m) emotional needs?

Tonight, I wasn’t really feeling like putting in much effort to socializing with my husband. I’m at the ass end of my period. I did some half assed cleaning, and spent 3 hours doing homework. The kids were easy today, thankfully, so I really didn’t exert a whole lot of energy, but mentally I’m just bleh. Really just in the mood to do my own thing. Earlier this week I did tell my husband that I wasn’t really feeling connected as our schedules are super opposite and even though I’m part time his hours are weird. He doesn’t go in until 10am and gets off around 7. Anyways we kind of laughed the thought off and just chucked it up to “well that’s just how it be.”

Anyways, tonight I’ve just wanted to veg and play the sims and not really put a lot of effort in anywhere else and probably this whole past week. I tell my husband about something’s and I can tell he’s kind of in an argumentative mood (hostile energy) while also telling me “I’m not in the mood to argue with you” when I was really trying to have a light hearted debate about my theology class and things I was looking into about religion (we aren’t religious and share the same beliefs). So, we both are just over it so I get up and walk out and he gets annoyed saying that he was in the middle of talking, he finished a sentence, so technically he wasn’t, but also I knew he could’ve kept on. (Was it bitchy? probably, but he clearly was in a place of getting irritated with me, and I know how the conversation will typically end and I just wasn’t in the mood to tolerate it.)

So eventually he comes out of his game room and comes and lays down and I go to tell him about my sims game, and he interrupts me and goes “I’m not listening and idgaf because you don’t listen to me.” Fair and I just kind of giggled it off. Hurtful, but I was in no position to argue. He then starts to go on a rant about how no body cares when someone is struggling until they kill themselves and how people are selfish. (There was stuff in between this but I genuinely don’t remember how we got there). And he asked me “how do you not know this already?” And then said something else I do not care to repeat because he immediately knew it was insensitive to my brother taking his life and had to immediately correct himself to make sure I didn’t think he was insinuating that I didn’t care about my brothers mental health struggles. Before he could really correct himself my jaw hit the floor and I was laughing because what the fuck dude?! He then continued to go on a rant and I told him “dude, seriously, you need to have some perspective because a month after my brother died and I had just gotten out of the mental hospital and told you I wanted to die, you told me to just kill myself, so you should probably have more grace when people aren’t immediately jumping to help you.” He didn’t understand why I would bring this up because the comparison was that he is not sympathetic to others wholeheartedly through crisis yet puts the entirety of his mental health issues on my shoulders. He says that when he’s asking for help I don’t help him. But when I try to get him to see a therapist he won’t, when I try to get him to the doctor he won’t. And when we talk and connect it helps, but dude, I struggle deeply with my own shit too, I can’t be expected to be and do everything for him, but it feels like he expects that, and when I can’t see him he tells me I’m a stupid bitch and that I’ll feel like a retard when he kills himself. (He said that.) So he left to go sleep in his game room. And I text him and said “I’m sorry, I love you. You don’t have to be alone in there. You can come out here. We don’t have to talk. I don’t want you to feel alone or be alone. I’ve just selfishly been tired and have been wanting to consume my time in my game. I’m sorry for not seeing you. I know you’ve been struggling. We can play games tomorrow and try again.” And then I just went in there to comfort him and apologize some more to tell him I’m sorry and I really wanted to be there for him. And I do. I mean that. I love him dearly, and I wish I could make him happy. I know that his issues stem from not feeling loved in his child hood and he never fully dealt with that the way he needed too and it’s leaking into his adult life hard. Anytime he struggles with any self worth (the depression onset seems to be from the fact that his friends are ostracizing him from playing games) it ends up that I don’t see him or hear him. And maybe I don’t, because right now all I can truly see is how when he was “reaching out to me for help” he was also mocking me, telling me he didn’t care about what I had to say, and how I’m a stupid bitch and how regretful I’ll be. Am I a stupid bitch? Can I not see clearly? This is a whole theme throughout our relationship. We both suffer from extensive mental health issues. I’m bipolar and he’s major depressive (possibly bpd at least that’s what I notice) and anytime I fuck up or he feels like I don’t see him, I’m a worthless piece of shit. (Maybe I’m internalizing, but he audibly says “you’re a cunt, stupid, retard, shit like that) We met when I was 20, fresh off of drugs (almost nine years sober) with a 3 month old; so of course I can’t say I’ve been great, I was probably the worst partner you could have. But I’ve been going to therapy weekly for 3 years, putting the work in and i think I’m doing better. But Jesus dude. Idk. Help me see objectively here. If there is anything else I can do to maybe truly see him, or if you can give me some true insight into how i might be being selfish, please let me know. I can’t help but cry rn, but I know that’s mostly thinking in terms of “why me?” Instead of “how can I truly help him?”

Edit: also the reference to the word retard is reference to my husband calling me that. Not me calling myself that.