I (F19) recently ended things with my boyfriend (M19) after almost 6 months, and I'm worried I did the wrong thing.

We met on Hinge, went on a few dates over 3 weeks, and he met all my friends before I asked him to be my boyfriend. We were both each other’s first partner, but he had more experience with other girls (hes had sex) while I had never done anything romantic before - he was my first kiss.

The first 3 months were great. He was patient and kind when it came to intimacy, and told me he would never pressure me into doing anything i don't want to. He would tell me I was pretty, smart, and weird but he liked that about me. He wasn’t the best texter, but in person he seemed sweet and so nice and we had a few differences in our interests and stuff but nothing that bothered me, although ill add that most of his compliments came when he was drunk.

About 4 months in, we were hanging out and I noticed he still had Hinge on his phone. He deleted it quickly in front of me. I just got up and changed because he had to leave soon anyways, but he seemed so off like he just switched and the whole vibe was weird, like maybe he wasnt sure if i noticed and didn't know what to do. I didn’t bring it up right away--I was nervous i guess and tried to convince myself maybe he forgot to delete it. I brought it up like two weeks later but in that time he was being more distant, taking hours to reply to texts, sometimes only saying “oh yeah I’m home now.” when i asked if he got home safe. I expressed to him in a text (before bringing it up) that i felt like I was putting in more effort in the relationship and not receiving that back from him, he said he said he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do since it was also his first relationship. Every time I raised a concern (which wasn't often im not a very confrontational person), his answers never fully reassured me. I never brought up things that bothered me because i was worried i'd burden him too much.

Even though I had to initiate most things like holding hands or saying “I love you,” first more times than he did. I convinced myself it was just my anxiety and things felt fine when we were together.

(I just want to add that i'm leaving some detail out of the messages, my messages were usually long and apologetic and i’d take hours just to draft them to make sure i wasn’t being mean or anything even though i was upset deep down, so many of my friends told me i was being too nice and that i needed to stand up for myself. His responses were most of the time half the length of mine and i would just have more questions after reading them, but i thought maybe he's just bad at expressing how he feels.)

When I finally brought up the Hinge thing, he apologized and said he had no excuse, but later said he and his friends were using it to play a dumb "smash or pass" game and he never messaged anyone. He said he needed to get his head straight and wasn’t sure what he wanted for himself in life, and that he's always struggled with pretending to be happy around people including his friends. He seemed really apologetic, he was kind of harsh on himself calling himself dumb and saying i've been nothing but perfect, that i deserved better but he wants to be better for me because he doesn't think he's good enough how he is at the moment. He told me it's up to me what i want to do and i told him i was confused, i said i wanted to see him again probably and he said he did too because hes never been so happy with someone. I took some time before responding because i was upset and overwhelmed and then he sent me a message asking if everything was ok. (Weirdly enough that conversation was the most i've been reassured by him). I told him I forgave him in a long heartfelt message saying that if hes not ready thats ok, but set boundaries in it too, like no cheating. He barely responded to the message but suggested a break for a few weeks so we could reset but he still thinks we could make it work.

During the break after about a week and a half of no contact (which i tried so hard to respect in order not to push him away) I reached out saying I hoped he was taking care of himself. He replied he was thinking of messaging too but didn't really answer my message and again was just vague. I asked if seeing me was just easy for him — if maybe he just wanted the intimacy and got bored. He said no, that he would skip lectures to see me, but said he also obviously wanted the intimacy, which confused me maybe he misunderstood my message. Again he never really directly answered my concerns.

Here's where i may have gone wrong: I sent him another question after that because i needed more clarity. I know I shouldn’t have done this, i've always known he followed a bunch of girls on socials but after seeing him follow like 6 more girls on TikTok while ignoring my messages, I unsent what I wrote and instead told him I didn’t think it was going to work and hoped he’d treat the next person better- basically a break up text. I know i was just acting on emotion but i felt like i had been so patient the entire time and it just really hurt. He left it on seen. I got worried about him because he’d opened up about his depression, so I sent a message asking if he was okay but no response. I couldn't sleep so i sent a final message the next morning saying:

"I’m sorry if i was being rude, I broke up with you because I love you more than I think you love me, and I can’t feel as bad as I did those past weeks ever again."

I told him I’d never forget how happy he made me and how much I cared for him. He liked that final message and replied, “yeah I’m fine.” ( im guessing to me asking if he was ok). That was the last thing and i left it there.

Im wondering if i was too harsh? I would’ve ended things in person but he lives far, and I don’t think he would have responded that quickly anyway.

Is this just coming from missing him? will it pass? Should I have waited longer to see if he would change? I guess i'm just confused from his lack of communication but if he really wanted things to work he would've tried right? Maybe i was just asking for too much, but i tried so hard to communicate with him but his messages left me more confused.

I spent so many nights crying during the relationship because i was confused if he even liked me, i convinced myself i just had anxious attachment and that i need to grow up and learn to deal with my feelings on my own.

I'm worried maybe I won’t find someone as sweet as him, and that I should’ve tried harder to make it work, or lived with the bad parts because i know that no one can be perfect. I just miss him and maybe i acted too quick, i just felt like the whole relationship i had to carry the emotional weight. I'm worried me ending the relationship just made his mental health worse.