I (34M) was raised in a family where self discipline, being a leader, provider and decision maker are simply expected from a man. I've inherited and ingrained these valuess into my life as a self-made man, fairly educated (a PhD) and a provider and have always been the dominant one in my relationships.

My masculine has always governed my sense of self but in my last relationship, my ex gf (39F) was more assertive and a bit of a switch in our bdsm play. She introduced me to mother-son and feminine master- masculine slave roleplays, the whole sense of letting go, of not always being in control for ex. trying the Amazon position and things like that. Even exploring scenes and vulnerable headspace channeled a new side of me that I didn't know existed and I tend to like to be submissive and surrender my will more and more. And honestly I loved every bit of it. It felt like a strong release and kind of miss it now with nostalgia.

It still feels strange to admit. It clashes with everything I’ve built my identity on: being masculine, disciplined, reliable. But I can’t deny that a part of me now longs for a woman who’s confident and assertive enough to lead, who doesn’t shy away from pressing her strength and will and inspires submission in me. Do women want that though? I fear not and remain a bit stressed and lonely fiddling with my desires.

The trouble is, most women I date now seem to still want the classic dominant man and it's been emotionally isolating for me.. as my desires for an assertive woman are getting more clear now, I am longing even deeper that I want to let go and somewhat take over my body now and lead it, guide it, nurture or even use it. It's not without shame but it's a strong feeling..

I've also processed it with my therapist who doesn't find anything wrong with it but says it will reduce the chances for meeting a suitable partner. It's an emotional ambiguity for me because I feel like maybe it's unrealistic to expect women to have this unreal balance of being feminine and yet be assertive in bed? I don't know.. I deeply long for someone like that to talk to..who could help me understand and may be guide me..in the process, to overcome or accept it...

Sometimes I feel hopeless and feel like I'm sabotaging myself by wanting this and my future to be with a decent person. All of this is very real to me. I'm curious to learn it there are women who are open or would ever prefer something like this.. or am I just delusional that I have ever desire this?