There is so much context here I (FtM25) don’t really know where to begin. My boyfriend (FtM40) really wants me to move to where he lives which is across the country from me. We have been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now and I first came to see him here last June. While we have a rich and passionate intimate and physical connection / sex life and a very specific set of practices in common. I often feel influenced by him to prioritise his needs / wants over my own. My life is in a vulnerable place right now and I have been housing insecure for quite some time, he feels that this means it is the peak opportunity for me to uproot everything and move to his city to start over.

I am trying at this juncture to go back to school and regain independence after an intense period of sort of agency bypassing and manipulation by family following the loss of my job, now almost two years ago. I have a slew of different mental illnesses that affected me mainly CPTSD and ADHD and made executive functioning difficult for me and contributed to my being somewhat of a late bloomer.

In the dynamic with my boyfriend I feel very dependant on him when I am here and he has means by which to control me and influence me etc. When we are apart he is my primary emotional support (because I was living in a different isolated environment due to family) but we tend to argue a lot. I can be quite withdrawn and carry a lot of shame and also try to make decisions before I present them to him because I feel like he is either dissatisfied when I am uncertain about things or will change my mind to get whatever his ideal outcome is. He says he feels like he can’t tell me when he has a different opinion than me.

For reference I broke up with him a little less than a month ago (going through crisis) because I feel that I have lost my sense of self and this relationship has contributed to me abandoning myself and taken me off course in certain ways. I am starting to feel very anxious that I am giving away my youth to this person. He also puts a lot of pressure on me to settle down quickly because he wants to have children and I’m thé quote « young and fertile » one.

He often poses ultimatums; if I go back when I want we will not be together anymore, and I feel like he uses my empathy and sympathy to over ride complex decisions I’m trying to make and uses his paying for things to provide a sense of obligation or make me feel like I am the asshole like I’m using him etc. For the past year I have spent multiple 4+ week intervals of my life at his side in his city and other countries that have contributed to the instability of my « own » life. In this particular iteration I had to leave what had become an unsafe housing situation with my mother and called him in a crisis asking if I could come and stay with him.

I did not mean this indefinitely but I did not tell him that I had another commitment on the 25th. I know I made a mistake and should not have come here on a one way ticket especially given what I know about him. He really wants me to go to a party with him on the 24th that his ex is going to be at and this creates a scheduling conflict.

Am I the asshole if I don’t stay until then? I really don’t have money to be spending coming out here even on the things we do together when I am away from him and inside my own life it is very austere and depressing because I have very few means, he is wealthier than me owns his own business and further along in life.

Am I the asshole if I leave when I want to go and do not attend this party with him ? He says that he has reduced his emotional needs so significantly and he feels like he isn’t allowed to have any because I am in crisis and it would mean a lot to him if I just did this one thing.

Please help.