I (40F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. Our relationship has always been challenging, but this past year has been very difficult. We have an 8-year old child together and my husband had always said we could try to have another child once the first was older. But whenever I bring it up, the time is not now.

I did ask him to get a vasectomy before and after our first child since birth control pills are a huge health risk to me and he said he didn't want kids right away or another kid. But he refused, always with a different excuse.

As a result of only being able to rely on condoms, we had an unplanned pregnancy last year. I was nervous because while I was excited, my husband was not. I miscarried several months in. I was devastated and still am kind of struggling with it. He, however, seemed glad with the outcome. He told me he was sad, but his actions seemed like he was quite pleased. He was not very supportive with my feelings or healing after it happened. But he said we could always at some point in the future try again, so I shouldn't worry about it.

A couple months ago we had a huge fight and he told me he didn't want to be a father or husband any longer. He said a lot of cruel things in the heat of the moment. He told me he was going to find someone else to sleep with. He asked me if I could help him take pictures for his dating profile (I declined). He called me horrible names, insulted my body and my intelligence, and kept mocking me for being upset he might have crossed boundaries with a co-worker (nothing sexual, just lying about chatting with her and taking pictures with just the two of them like they are in a relationship after I asked him not to and he had agreed). He blamed me for his feeling suicidal at times and I asked him to get therapy. I ended up telling him I was considering divorce, because I honestly was. He finally started individual therapy for the first time, after refusing to our whole relationship.

Soon after that, he set up an appointment to get a vasectomy. He didn't really talk to me about it until the day before his consult. I didn't think he was serious because he has said he was going to many times before and it always turned out to be a lie. He told me he is doing this for me because he thinks it will make me happier to have unprotected sex. It is true that the condoms we use became an issue because they added a fragrance that I am very allergic to, however this was remedied by switching brands.

I can't help but feel like the timing is somewhere between sus and just plain bad for the relationship. He refused to get a vasectomy for a decade, but now that I'm getting so old and my clock is ticking, he has no problem setting one up? When my trust is at an all-time low and he's saying he is working hard to repair the relationship, why make a major, permanent life decision?

I asked him if we could talk about it and he refused for weeks, but finally said he understood that the timing when our relationship isn't strong and he was just threatening to cheat on me is probably not a good time to go through with it. He said he would wait and we could talk about it again in a few months once we see where things are with each other and our lives. I was happy with this compromise and felt really good about it.

Then a few weeks later he started referencing his upcoming appointment for surgery. When I asked what that was about, he told me non-chalantly, "Oh, you know. My vasectomy." It was as though we had never had our previous conversation about it. He pretended to not remember the conversation and said that I was confused because we had agreed to do it. Then he said that he knew what he had said, but really just wanted to do it - for me. He guilted me about how I shouldn't have a say in a man's body. This is ironic, because he has (unsuccessfully) pressured me to have an abortion in the past. I understand it's his body, his decision, but I wanted to at least talk it over since it was a decision that impacts both of us, our relationship, and our family.

He finally agreed to talk about it again and we came to the same compromise. Except this time, he said he would just reschedule it for next fall. There was no option to reconsider or have another child. I was devastated because I've been sitting here waiting, getting older, and suffering through the pregnancy loss with the idea that someday I'd be able to at least try. But now I feel like I've been wasting the last 10 years of my life on someone who may have just been giving me lip service. I was sad, but at least I could have some time and space to really reflect on the relationship and what to do next, since it seems we both want such different things.

Then when we were at dinner with his mother she brought up his surgery. I had no idea that he had told her about it AND was surprised to learn it was still scheduled. He said we'd talk about it later, but put it off any time I brought it up for weeks.

Then two weeks before the surgery date he said that since he could see it was affecting me so much, that he would cancel the surgery. I told him he didn't have to do that on my account and that he should do whatever he wanted, since ultimately that's his choice. But he offered to cancel it over and over. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said it was too late. The decision was already made and he had cancelled the surgery, so there was nothing else to talk about. He made a big show of logging into his appointment app on his phone and showed me that it was gone. I thought this was a ridiculously dramatic, unnecessary way to go about it, but I was relieved that it wasn't an immediate pending issue. I started to relax and sleep again at night thinking I had at least a few months to really think deeply about my life before making any major decisions or being forced to have options limited by his.

Today we were at all together with my family, cousins playing happily getting ready for Easter. I was having a great day. The little ones made me miss having a little one myself and I caught myself hoping there would still be a small chance I could have another baby someday. Then my husband said something about his surgery next week. In three days. Too late to cancel, with the weekend.

I got sick to my stomach and threw up. I asked him what happened and he said, without much emotion, that he still had the appointment and that it was too late to cancel it now. I don't understand why he lied to me. I'm hurt and angry and can't figure out why he made everything up before. I feel stupid for believing him. He says I should have known he was lying and that my not trusting him is what makes him have to lie. Then he tried to tell me again that we could talk about it later, but that this time I would need to not share my feelings and just listen to his, because according to him the problem is that I'm not hearing and agreeing with him.

The whole thing is filling me with new levels of rage. I know it's wrong to force someone to do or not do something to their own body, but I wanted to try to make life decisions jointly. AITHA if I no longer want to talk to him about it because of how he is treating me and telling me my feelings don't matter to him? AITHA if I want to get a divorce because of how he has lied and handled this?