This is my first real post here. I apologize for my poor grammar. I’m scared to admit this but I (42 F) was in a school shooting when I was younger. It’s a stupid wish but I had hoped the years would help to ease the trauma. But as it is April is a horrible month for me. Some years I handle in a more health fashion, some years I just dont cope well. I feel weird saying this- but i have been diagnosed with PTSD,

I feel like this year has really hit me like a Mac truck. Even without this in my life, I have had some extremely traumatic events happen. I’ll only share the one so you understand this post better. I had seen some bad doctors over some health issues, and as a result I overdosed and nearly died. I am grateful to the paramedics and the staff at the hospital. But I lost several days to wake up in a strange place surrounded by some of my family. I guess it was touch and go? But I have not really even addressed it.

Last night I just kind of cracked. I know it’s an unhealthy coping method,but I was bottling things up and shutting down. I am not ready to address the overdose situation in depth, so I know that is on me. Anyways by cracked it just all came out- but it was uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn’t speak. I was overwhelmed. I am dating a wonderful (41m) who has stuck faithfully by my side through all of this. It how do you make someone understand the PTSD of my youth?

He did eventually get me to calm down. But I still couldn’t talk. Anyways I needed a distraction so I stupidly opened up FB. The very first post was by my aunt. It was a picture of my dead friend tied in with some crazy religious political information. I became angry! How could my own aunt of whom I am close with post something so triggering for me?

I immediately asked her to take it down. I tried so hard to explain the situation. Probably too hard via messenger. I refuse to comment on the original post publicly. I did see that many of my extended family had liked the post. But how could she think that seeing that would not hurt me?

She did finally take down the post. But her reasoning for posting it was to “bring more people to Jesus so that they may know his love.”. So this is where I don’t know anymore if I am the AH. I’m so confused how a single post about Jesus is going to help anyone, and how it was worth hurting me? She never even apologized. I ended up being the one who said sorry. I’m not even sure how that happened?

I will admit I am the black sheep of the family. I chose after the shooting to drop my faith. How could God have a reason for such a senseless tragedy? I have kept my beliefs to myself. I don’t believe that it is my responsibility to explain my reasons or even share my thoughts on the subject.

Anyways as time has gone on my extended family has only grown more devout in their faith. My immediate family all think for themselves and let me be. Again it’s not my job to convince them to see the world as I do. Tolerance is something that I firmly believe in.

I have been traveling about 12 hours from where I live to attend family reunions. I have an uncle who is a priest, so there is always a family mass. I have always behaved accordingly. I respectively follow the rules and try to respond to the mass just to be polite. I do not take the host though. I couldn’t if I wanted to- I am a celiac. I know that I am being judged though. Of 21 grandchildren, I have never been married. I have had 4 long term relationships before I have found my now partner. I break the rules of the faith by doing this. I’ve even been lectured by a different aunt and cousin. I have tried to be part of this family.

Anyways AITAH for cutting them all out? In total it’s 60 people. I unfriended every single one. I have left the two groups about family matters. I’m done. I broke. I will never return to see these people again: My aunt said her faith was more important than my feelings. I just can’t do it anymore.

I am sorry for the stupidly long post. I’m emotional. I need advice. Thank you.