I’ll start by saying that my husband and I met when we were 15 and 18. My in-laws have crossed many boundaries over the years, and I think much of this stems from the fact that we met as kids. It has taken them time to realize that we aren’t children anymore. Now, we are in our 30s with three kids. Throughout our lives together—whether it was our wedding, baby shower, or the births of our children—they have consistently created drama during moments that were meant to be about us. Here are a few examples:

1. My mother-in-law gave us the silent treatment during our first Christmas as an engaged couple because she felt excluded from the wedding planning process.

2. She insisted on having her own baby shower with her friends as a grandma. I found this a bit strange and explained to her that the baby wouldn’t be around enough for her to have her own shower, as it’s not her baby.

3. When our first child was born, she bought a lot of baby food, but I told her we were doing baby-led weaning. I explained that she wouldn’t be feeding the baby, and when she threw a fit, I stood my ground.

4. After our first child was born in 2020, she called every day to express how hard it was for her not to see the baby because of the pandemic without ever asking how I was doing. Eventually, I started ignoring her calls because I just didn’t need that negativity postpartum.

5. When we had our second child, I had a wedding out of town when our baby was just four months old. I would be away for less than 24 hours, and when my in-laws said they would take our baby and toddler to an ice cream shop, I said no. I didn’t want them driving with my baby while I was out of town. They insisted they would do it anyway, which led to me refusing to go to the wedding, and my husband had to step in.

6. Recently, we made the mistake of going on vacation with them. I was pregnant and tired, and my father-in-law tends to act more like a friend than a responsible grandparent. Instead of helping keep the kids calm in the hotel, he would get them riled up and continuously pull on their clothes despite my requests. After a long week of irritation, he pulled on my five-year-old's shirt, almost causing him to fall forward. I firmly told him to stop, and he responded, “Relax.” I felt disrespected and made it clear that I was done interacting with them.

The following week, my FIL came over and said, “I’m not mad at you, and I hope you aren’t mad at me.” I asserted my right to speak firmly about the safety of my children, clarifying that I never yelled at him and perhaps his fragile ego misinterpreted my tone. His comment to “relax” was completely unwarranted; he is not my parent. I am a grown woman; this is my family, and I will stand up for them when necessary. The conversation ended with me telling him to leave after he mentioned he would respond a certain way if I spoke to him rudely.

Since then, my MIL has been acting like a drama queen, claiming that I’m mean to them and blowing things out of proportion. Mind you, I’m seven months pregnant and don’t want to expend any more energy on this situation. My FIL’s apology was insincere, and my MIL showed her true colors. Instead of supporting me as a fellow mom and woman, she started attacking my character, insisting I was nasty and rude to them. I’ve told them I’m done interacting with them; they can see the kids but shouldn’t engage with me.

I have gone above and beyond to include them in every birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and special occasion. I always made sure they had a place during experiences that many daughters-in-law would not like field trips, Disney on ice, holiday outings, etc.

My MIL still seems to think that things will go back to normal and keeps asking me how I’m feeling and how my sick mom is doing. I want to scream at her, “What is wrong with you? You’re being fake, so don’t speak to me.” My husband feels I should have a conversation with her, but I’m confused about what is expected. He thinks I’m being too black-and-white about this and that we have a long time left with them in our lives, so we should move on. I don’t feel the same way. I’m just feeling stressed and frustrated and don’t know what to do.

Am I the asshole for just wanting to be left out of any dynamic that includes them and not compromising?