I'm a 50+ female survivor of some frankly horrific abuse. It seemed like every male I was ever left alone with abused me...and my sister. In fact, most of the monsters would lay us side by side while they did awful things to us.

You would think this would've bonded us. Made the two of us protect each other and try and keep each other safe. Insead, we grew up hating each other and fighting like wet cats in a burlap sack. Looking back I know it was because our father used to pit us against each other and hold me up like the angel my sister could never be. It made her resent me.

She also crossed lines from fellow victim to one of my abusers. She is a year and a half older than me, and there were several times where not only did she not protect me from the men in our lives-she brought me to them like an offering. And once, she was the one pawing me and trying to make me kiss her in the middle of the night.

I never blamed her though. I knew the hell she was surviving and somehow even though I too was suffering through the exact same hell and did try to keep her safe when I could, I never blamed her for the pain she herself dealt me.

After we hit our twenties, we got close. I loved her and forgave everything.

However, I've come to realize that she never loved me. The 'reconciliation' I thought we'd had in our twenties, was all one sided. She Used me for thirty plus years. I have funneled so much money her way, never got a penny back. I supported her completely for a year and a half once then for three and a half a few years later. That last time, she knew I could not make my mortgage if she moved in to my guest house and didn't pay her rent. Then she begged and begged until I caved and let her in, only to end up losing my house because of her. In fact, I couldn't get her to move out until I had to put the house up for sale.

The money is only a small part of the way she's used me my whole life. Used the guilt I felt at being the 'baby' and therefore favorite to get me to give her everything I have and give nothing in return.

Now, we haven't spoken in over three years...and I miss her. WHY? Why am I sitting here wondering what I did wrong and if I should reach out to her when the last thing she told me was she didn't care if she NEVER heard from me again. Well, she hasn't since she wrote that to me and I guess it's true because I haven't blocked her and she seems just hunky-dory without me in her life.

Wanna know what happened to end things? She had just moved out and I was feeling sore and scared and unsettled about my life. I told her I needed a little time and space.

That's it. Her response was exactly like I said earlier "I don't care if I never hear from you again."

She is the asshole. An abusive one who never once loved me or treated me like a sister should, so why am I the one in tears? Why do I even care about someone who dealt me such hard pain throughout all my life? WTF is wrong with me??