Hi Reddit, I never thought I’d be here asking for advice but I have terrible anxiety that I could be sending my parents into heart attacks and I might not even be at their deathbeds. I just can’t deal with what I think is toxic behavior anymore.

January 12th, my (33F) husband (35M) of 12 years asked for a divorce suddenly and unexpectedly. We were born and raised Mormon but left the church in 2015. My planned future ended overnight. After a couple weeks, I eventually had to move in with my sister 2 hours away because I couldn’t afford to stay in an airbnb anymore, or crash in a friend’s spare room 3 minutes away from my house, and the emotional toll of being surrounded by so many memories was killing me. So I lost my husband, career, and home almost instantly, and even had to put my dog I’ve had for 11 years down about 2 weeks after this news due to cancer. Devastating to say the least. And now I’m losing my parents to top it all off.

January 21st, I called my mom (70F) and my dad (71M) for emotional support. They came to my airbnb and I told them all this news. They were sympathetic, but it seemed to end after that visit. I got a brief check in asking about my game plan a couple days later. And then a week later they asked if I had already moved in with my sister or if I needed help moving.

For background context, I’m the youngest of 6 kids, only one of which is a boy, just older than me. I believe my parents have raised him to be a narcissist and they enable his awful traits; I’m avoidant of him and repeatedly ask to not discuss his drama. He is currently living with them after his own divorce and they do nothing but talk about him and the church, if they talk to me at all. Our relationship has always been a bit strained as I have had to work hard to forgive my dad for physical abuse growing up and my mom for letting it happen. We got to a decent place in adulthood but their world revolves around their religion and their only son.

After I moved in with my sister, my parents didn’t check in with me for over 3 weeks and only texted me as an afterthought once a different sister told them they were more acquaintances than parents after she dealt with their lack of contact for 8 months, and they promised to be better at reaching out to their daughters going forward. I took the time to send them a video update anyway, just grateful for crumbs. Instead of responding to me directly, my mom added me back to the family group chat that includes my brother, which being out of has been a boundary of mine, so she could ramble to all of us at once for 22 minutes about the church. I removed myself and sent them another video saying I was hurt that she didn’t respond to a single thing I had to say.

She left me on read for the weekend and I sent another video asking if she was processing or offended, but that her lack of follow up was adding to my hurt feelings. We then had a FaceTime in which, surprise surprise, my brother was brought up along with politics and the call ended in tears. I FaceTimed them later that night to clear the air, but it devolved into crying when they brought up my dog, going in circles about my brother who I repeatedly asked to stop talking about, and my dad trying to gaslight me on two things: First, that I “made up” something in their will, a conversation I remember from 2019 where they told me that if any funds couldn’t be split exactly 6 ways, any excess would go to my brother. Second, that I “never told them” my dog was going to be euthanized. I ended up hanging up on them.

My mom texted me a few days later with a blanket apology and a desire to smooth things over. I responded that I need to know what they are sorry for (I wanted an apology for the gaslighting), I need them to acknowledge that the family discord is due to their preferential treatment of my brother, and that we have a different set of values and politics that they need to respect. She left me on read for 3.5 weeks, only texting me a half-assed happy birthday partway through this period, until I finally text I need a genuine apology for not being there for me during the most difficult thing(s) I’ve ever been through, and we need a healthy relationship or no relationship at all.

My mom finally emailed me a very defensive message talking only about her hurt feelings and that her and my dad have tried their best as parents and I should let bygones be bygones. I texted back an outline of all the ways they let me down over the years and that this is just the cherry on top. I accused them of being willing to throw away a relationship with me rather than admit their shortcomings. I asked what love and support looks like for them, she failed to respond again, and so I got very firm with my boundaries that unless they can take accountability for their actions, I would not be initiating conversations and wouldn’t give them any updates if they ever attempted to check in going forward.

I believe my mom became emotionally overwhelmed because my dad then stepped in saying they were going to take some time to compose their thoughts and offered to drive 2 hours to come discuss with me in person. I declined, but said I’d be willing to FaceTime depending on their response, and emphasized that I need there to be zero defensiveness in their reply.

After a week, my dad emails me that they will be stepping away because there is too much pain and that if I want to reconnect in the future, the door will be open.

I just texted the following somewhat aggressive message to both of them after not sleeping all night and am now panicking that, even though I want them to sit with their emotions, the stress I’m causing could be harmful to their aging bodies. My sisters are supportive but are all more passive than me and will likely not go to bat on my behalf. Is my response warranted for my mental health, or should I have just kept the peace for their sake? AITAH?

“I waffled on whether or not to respond, but being understood is important to me, so I thought I would try to clear a few things up. This is not to bring you any more pain, but to clarify where we stand and for my closure.

“By choosing to step away rather than step up and be the parents I needed you to be, you have closed the door regardless of saying it is open. You say you freely admit your shortcomings but do so without any actual, genuine apologies, which is counterintuitive to the repentance process. You say you recognize your role in our dysfunctional relationship, but you do not see that you yourselves have been acting toxic. Me calling attention to these behaviors is not spiteful, but long overdue bids to evoke change toward a healthier dynamic. I raised the bar instead of accepting less than I deserve, and you both fell short repeatedly.

“You can remember happy times all you want, but ultimately, it was a false sense of joy only brought on by overlooking the many flaws in our relationship. You can crave togetherness but it will never happen unless you take action to bring us each into the fold as we need and stop enabling and modeling poor behavior.

“There will be no more attempts on my end to reconnect as that is all I have been trying to do for the past few months, and you have now hurt our relationship beyond repair. By shifting responsibility toward me to reconnect in the future, you are ignoring the efforts I have made this entire time. You seem to want to hold yourselves blameless in the dissolution of our relationship when it is you who failed me time and time again, and made the choice to leave rather than fight for what is right. This cowardice cannot be overlooked in my time of need. You have been called to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and you chose the path of least resistance instead.

“I feel it is not so much my words themselves that have been hurtful, but instead, these hard truths have forced you to look in the mirror and see you are not who you think you are. And really, if you can’t even be Christlike or loving parents, what identity are you left with? Your whole sense of selves is wrapped up in the church, which you say will come before family, and then hope for the eternities with me after throwing me away in this life.

“Your identity as my parents is over. The only thing that has kept me from removing my records in the church is to protect your idea that we will have an afterlife together. That is no longer holding me back, and so do not be surprised when one day you see that we are no longer sealed as a family.

“Do not expect me to be your medical power of attorney because being there for you in your time of need would feel so rotten after you have abandoned me in mine.

“Feel free to discuss this with my sisters, because maybe they will be able to talk some sense into you where I was not.

“And lastly, do not contact me unless you are ready to make wholehearted amends as I have been screaming, begging for this entire time. It would feel awful for that to be a deathbed wish, so I sincerely hope you wake up and realize your missteps before then. I strongly suggest therapy for both of you to gain the tools and emotional maturity to process the trauma of losing a daughter, rather than suppressing the grief or pretending that prayer will fix this.

“I hope for healing, I hope for growth, I hope for increased love with our chosen families. You have made it clear that you do not choose me. I will now walk with my head held high that I tried everything in my power to save our relationship.

“Goodbye, from your black sheep, and I hope you get everything you want and deserve in life.”