Back story:

So - my mom and my boyfriend (30M) got off of the wrong foot all in the beginning because of different viewpoints. We've now been together for 4 years. My boyfriend got 1-2 years into our relationship diagnosed with ADHD. My boyfriend struggle with being social all the time, and he's an introvert. But he's the most amazing man I have ever met, and I love him dearly. We live together in a house in the same small city as my mom and my big sister. I (25F) grew up in a household where it was normal just showing up at a family members doorstep and sort of expect to get invited in for a cup of coffee and a chat. No phonecall beforehand or a text message, nothing. Just showing up out of nowhere.

My family expects me to have the same open door "policy" as they have, and as I have grown up in. I don't like it and neither does my boyfriend. I get extremely stressed, either because the house isn't clean or just the feeling of expectation from them. And my boyfriend doesn't like the unexpected visits either, cause he gets overwhelmed due to his ADHD. And to be honest, I also just like the fact that I know someone is coming by. My family is not open to the idea of me not doing it the way they want me to. I like having a home, where I feel safe and secure, and I feel like they're stepping over my boundaries when they don't respect me and my partners wishes. They call it:"not normal" to feel this way.

My mom and big sister mocks my boyfriend with his ADHD and they lack respect for the both of us. They get angry if my opinions doesn't align with theirs. My mom has directly told my little sister, that stress wasn't something I had, it was just something I told myself I had. My mom is just for some reason against all diagnoses and refuses to listen or understand anything about them - to her they just don't exist.

If my partner is overwhelmed and doesn't feel like going to a social event with my family (of 36 people in total) but I end up going, they always ask where he is, and then when I tell them the truth about it, they just shut me down with:"I don't want to talk about sicknesses and diagnoses all the time!" But they always ask?

They always share their opinions about it, and making it about them. That he doesn't like them, or that they don't feel prioritized, or they're not welcome here.. But when I then try explaining things, they just shut me down all the time.

Sorry for the long back story, but then you get the picture.

So the other day I got into a conversation with my mom, and it went very well, she even agreed with the fact that if we hadn't lived in the same town as them, they probably would have called before showing up. We ended with coming up with a compromise. I/we get better at inviting them, and they get better at calling/typing before showing up. But then when the conversation was about to end, I literally stood getting ready to take my purse and get my jacket - my stepdad comes out of the bathroom meddling and got angry saying how they're not welcome at our place, that my dad can't even get invited over when he's in Denmark (which isn't true), and that he can't believe how disrespectful it is to not live up to how I myself grew up, with the open door policy in my mom's house. And my mom meddled in the conversation saying: "do you understand what he's saying?" And I was like: "Yeah, I understand, but I don't agree, and I don't like when people yell at me like that.." And then he just started talking about how I disrespected him in his home and that he could just be like my boyfriend.. And I was like: "Okay?" And then he said:"Fine! Then I'm going to ask you to leave!" So I took my stuff and I left.. Haven't talked to him since, and haven't been by or invited them over. I feel like it is an endless struggle to find common ground.

So am I really the AH for asking/"demanding" my family to respect me and my partners wishes/rules according to our own home? And in general for wishing they'd be more respectful and open in the way they communicate?