I'm from part of Europe where self discipline, being a leader, provider and decision maker are simply expected from a man. I've inherited and ingrained these valuess into my life to the point that i'm a self-made man, fairly educated (a PhD) and a provider and have always been the dominant one in my relationships.

For the longest time, that role felt natural. But in my last long-term relationship, my ex gf was more assertive and a bit of a switch. I found myself experiencing something I hadn’t expected. She introduced me to the idea of letting go, of not always being in control for ex the Amazon position and things like that. Even exploring scenes and vulnerable headspace channeled a new side of me that I didn't know existed . And honestly I liked every bit of it and kind of miss it now with nostalgia.

It still feels strange to admit. It clashes with everything I’ve built my identity on: being masculine, disciplined, reliable. But I can’t deny that a part of me now longs for a woman who’s confident and assertive enough to lead sometimes, who doesn’t shy away from pressing her strength and will and inspires submission in me. Do women want that though? I fear not and remain a bit stressed with my desires.

The trouble is, most women I date now seem to still want the classic dominant man. And while I can absolutely be that, I also want something a little deeper, a little more balanced. It's led to a kind of emotional isolation I didn’t expect. My feelings are getting more clear now that perhaps I do want to let go and somewhat take over my body now and lead it, guide it, nurture or even use it. It's not without shame but it's a strong feeling..

It's an emotional ambiguity for me because I feel like maybe it's unrealistic to expect women to have this unreal balance of being feminine and yet be assertive in bed? I don't know.. I deeply long for someone like that to talk to..who could help me understand and may be guide me..in the process, to overcome or accept it?

I still hold traditional values so I would want it within a marriage and family values. But inside, there's this confusion now. Is there space for a man like me, who wants to protect and lead, but who also longs for someone strong enough to hold him too?

Am I sabotaging myself by wanting this and my future to be with a decent person? All of this is very real to me.

Please be kind and don't mock me for it like my friends..but it's a genuine plea to understand weather I should overcome it or accept this..and I'm curious to learn it there are women who are open or would ever prefer something like this..